Tummy Monster

It's different...and weird...but yeah...basically...it's food for all you poetry eaters out there. Feel free to rip it to shreds!

I'm sitting here on a bench.
There's a hunger building up.
One that I need to quench.

I hear a growl and look around.
The pain rises up in me
And I fall to the ground.

I wrap my arms around me.
I feel the vibrations.
So intense I can't see.

I scream and yell
Can someone save me
From this hell?

I know what this is
I've felt it before.
It's pain of his.

It's an evil deep inside.
It's the Tummy Monster!
From him, you can't hide.


Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

Er, uh. Childish? Yes. That's the best fitting word.

If you wanted for something more serious [or, jokingly serious] give it a rhythm, that'll put it more into place. Then it will have more flow.

Otherwise, er... I have nothing to say, really. I can't comment on the content.

Hehehe. Yeah, childish comes to mind but that's not necessarily bad. I think this would make a good children's poem if you tidy up the flow and perhaps take another look at this line -

It's pain of his.

- I think maybe this pain of him would make more sense. Other than that though, it's a fun little poem.

Ah!I think that wasn't actually weird....its was actually funny and nice and yea childish too.I had fun reading it.

Well done!You have the skills.....Keep writing and post them too!

see you around!

~Ani~

Erm..

First off, poems should never have, or need, a preface. It just puts the reader off and shows the piece itself is lacking.

As for content.... try to go with something that actually has some emotional involvement. A 'Tummy Monster' isn't much in the way of moving or inspiring readers, is it?

I enjoyed it. It does need a better rhythm, as Clau said. You picked a rhyme sceme and stuck with it which was nice.

Not all poems have to be So deep you can drown in them. It's more like for a kid. Cute and innocent.