At first the protagonist's gender is a mystery, but it really adds to the effect. As par with your style, there's no dialogue tags and limited pronouns... And while this adds some confusion (you might want to clear it up, but just a tad) it does lend to the mood. I found your descriptions of choking and blood repetitive, though, so add some variety there. The ending line was excellent, and tied it together nicely. However, the whole room/bed sharing thing was a bit too ambiguous. I never really got the situation there--and that may be simply due to my lack of higher brain functions, but it's duly noted all the same. Oh, and the use of your name really helped with the potency of this piece, though work with your imagery to make it even more relatable to readers.
All-in-all, I liked it, but it needs some polishing. I'll be looking forward to a revise
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
Sorry, Brad- upped the rating, for the f-word. It is nearly an inch long, though. Kind of prominent.
*clings to sentences* I haven't read Prosthesis, or Chionophobia- horrible of me, I know- but you've certainly improved since I last reviewed. Good? Yes, very...and I like your dialogue now. What a rave, right? ^_~
Anyway...commence knuckle cracking. A few things to look at:
- The spareness of the dialogue is good, and you can keep it that way- but make sure we know whose head is hurting. I couldn't really tell who needed the Aleve at first, and it kind of threw me off when it was you standing at the sink.
- "That didn't go as planned." Besides trailing off, there's nothing to suggest that the other guy is disappointed or offended about what you've said. Either change it, or explain what you were trying to achieve. It's quite hard to do this without infodumping, but I believe you've got the literary guts.
- Inside Joke Syndrome is pretty self-explanatory. It's hard to watch yourself, because I gather this is based off of a true story?- but it's important. Having other people laugh when your readers don't get it is rather an unpleasant experience. Happened here:
""But his tests are so fucking hard! He didn't even tell us to bring lube!"
As unseemly you might think, sometimes a little background information is helpful. Otherwise, you just get that awkward-kid-at-a-new-school effect- everyone else is laughing, and you're just kind of weakly going along with it. Not good, when you're trying to win over readers.
I think you represent yourself wonderfully here- shy, but definitely needing to say something. And I loved the bit at the beginning, about him and his legs and everything? It was wonderfully awkward.
Overall, very grand, Brad. If you want me to take a closer look at something, feel free to PM me.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.
Nothing is said as he points to a new problem. This one is not difficult but it probably requires a lot of paperwork, and right now there's so much tired tension writing feels like an impossibility. There is so much to say and so much farther to go, but the pen does not help when the words to say can't begin to pass the tongue. Lean back and ground.
Standing, he looks down. "I think I need to get some sleep." This is the last stake against the heart. Tears form but there's not a real reason--he isn't leave
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.*** (Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.
Wow. Brad--I have to admit, I haven't read everything you've written and posted on YWS, but of what I've read this is the most real and emotional. Usually your prose is disconnected and a little more analytical; this was emotional and (therefore) oblique--something I've rarely, if ever, seen in your prose. Your usual style works brilliantly, but this... the effect was heartbreaking. I actually started tearing up when I got to the very end.
Admittedly, it's not the best in terms of prose--the substance is brilliant, the style interesting, the execution a little shaky. I love the way you used the second person perspective here (usually it fails because of the endless repetition of "you"); the pithiness gave it an almost cinematic and exceptionally raw feeling. I do like the lack of tags in dialogue, but occasionally I had to read back to figure out who was speaking--maybe clarify it a little bit?
I was a little nervous about the blood imagery at first, especially when it came to the part about his words dripping like blood from a knife--a fantastic image in its own right, but bordering dangerously on that emo-poetic style that so many wannabe writers these day employ--but that bit at the end totally pulled it together. This honestly has to be my favorite of all your works I've read.
Aha! I feel genius. In a lame sort of way, because even as I started reading it, I knew who is was about and what it would be about and who it would be between (either unrequited love or some form of homosexual love. And don't think I say that in a derogatory way, it isn't meant to be). This is very typical of you Brad. I don't mean to say that your work is always the same but it does follow a pattern. That doesn't detract from the effect this story has. It was really nice. I mean, sort of sweet. We've all been where you're at, and it's rough, and it's really hard to capture, but you do it to a T. I've got to start reading your work again, it's a bit like finding an old friend, one you grew up with and whose voice you've not quite forgotten, but nearly. Side point, remember that story, Deah Fathah? Direct quote from Lolita, right?
