untitled[for now]

Memories spun through my head like the light snow floating in the frosty wind. I didn’t understand him. I watched a black SUV pull into the driveway; At first I saw Rocco but I had to shake it off.I glanced down at the person, who happened but once again my brain had found yet another way of stimulating my misery.

Brett came and sat next to me, but he didn’t say a word, he watched me stare out the window at the snow. Brett had been my first friend in New York and I know he would be the last person to ever leave me. He had told me he loved me everyday since Rocco’s decease. I turned to him and waited for him to speak.

“How are you? he questioned, rubbing his hand down my arm.

“Okay,” I said weakly reluctant to not break out in tears.


“I love you,” he said.

I had had it, Brett had finally blown a fuse.

“What are you on the rebound now?” I ruptured.

“ No Alex, you-” I didn’t let him finished.

“ Rocco’s dead, and you think you have a chance with me ?!” I was now on my feet, pacing, crying, being hysterical.

“Alexa, when you were with Rocco, I didn’t think there was any room left for me,” He said and put his hand on my heart.“I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable,”

He grabbed the bag he had brought with him and headed towards the door. He always found a way to make me feel guilty, but this time I was the culprit. I grabbed his arm, and we both sat down.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know if I’m ready for another relationship,” I confessed and wiped my tears.

“I can’t be without you much longer.” he said, his hazel green eyes staring into mine.

I didn’t know what to say, I looked towards my feet. He lifted my head,

‘I-I need to tell you something,’ he stuttered.

I waited for him to speak as he hunted for words to say.
“Rocco knew he was going to die,”

“What?” I didn’t make sense to me, “His death was planned?” My heart burned with anger as the thought of someone killing Rocco entered my mind.

“No...he just had that feeling,” Brett opened the bag and took out a note.
He placed it in my hand.

“He wrote this for you the night before he left, he wrote me one too telling me he knew that he was going to die.”Brett said.

I didn’t want to open the note, it would just leave me with more questions and no answers.

“I thought he had gone mad, but when I heard about the plane crash..” his words faded as I began to read the letter I had refused to open:

Alexa,
I love you, and you know that.
You were my soul mate, my
everything. I fought with you
before the flight because I didn’t
want you on the plane.
When Brett says he loves you, he means
it. You two were meant to be, but
I was keeping you all to myself,
and that was selfish of me.
Love Always,
Rocco

Tears flowed down my face as I keep staring at the letter.
“How could he say that?” I cried as I looked up at Brett. “He said we were spend our lives together!”

“Alexa, he thinks we’re good for each other. That's what he feels is right,” he tried to grab my hands but I moved away. I calmed myself down and collected myself before I spoke again. Even if I had wanted to forget Rocco, there was no possible way too. Now knowing that he had fought to me to save my life, I could never live with the fact that he was gone.

“What about what I feel?” I looked him deep in his eyes and picked up his hand unsteadily and placed it on my stomach.
“I’m pregnant.”

Hahaha, nice ending :p

The opening paragraph was confusing, but overall nice pace; it kept me interested and intrigued. I'm not sure why you bothered with the disease bit as he died in a plane crash, but that's just a detail. I'd say work on your wording, there were some funky parts that didn't sit well with me. And the letter was weirdly spaced. As for the title, it was too reminiscent of the song, and thus takes away from this piece itself.

Thanks :]
Just a question, what disease? Lol.

Oh and I named it this because that was the song I was listening to when I wrote this but do you have any better ideas?

Hahaha, never mind. I'd misread this part:
"He had told me he loved me everyday since Rocco’s decease. "

My bad. It makes a lot more sense now

As for the title.... I don't know, but it really should have some significance in relation to this piece. The title is often just as important as the piece itself, and should never be taken lightly.

Hey, afamiliarsmile!

Very sad story- but well written. I felt bad for Alexa. It'd be absolutely crazy if your boyfriend died in a plane crash, and you showed that well. ^_^

A few things I've collected to ramble about:

CLICHÈ POLICE: I've made a list of lines and concepts and things that I thought to be clichèd- you know, used a lot in other books? And, of course, a few suggestions on how to spice them up a little.

-

Memories spun through my head like the light snow floating in the frosty wind.

You've probably studied the Photoelectric Effect in school- when Einstein suddenly announced that light behaves not just like waves, but like particles too. This ruffled some feathers in the scientific community, and it continues to be puzzling to most people to this day.

Unfortunately...you're not Albert Einstein. You said that the memories acted a bit like snowflakes, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Here, I'm playing the part of the disgruntled, snobby scientist who doesn't think the Photoelectric effect has much merit.

Here's why: it's a good idea to think by the guideline, "Simile must be physically possible."

An example: "She stumbled about like an elephant on roller skates."

Certainly not literary genius, but you can picture it, right? It's kind of silly, too. But memories, snow...er, it's sort of like trying to wrap your head around the prospect of photons.

Once you've practiced with simile, it's okay to take a few risks. But usually, it's best to stick to the simplistic.

-

“Alexa, when you were with Rocco, I didn’t think there was any room left for me,”

This was kind of All My Children, due to the death and longing in the same sentence. And besides, Brett's a sweet guy, and truly cares for Alexa. This is a bit selfish, don't you think?

"I just want you to feel like you did when you were with Rocco", or something to that effect, would be a lot more in keeping with his character.

-

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know if I’m ready for another relationship,”

This might be what Alexa is truly thinking, but the word 'relationship' is clichèd unto itself. Is there a way you could say this without using that word?

Something simpler, like, "I'm sorry. It's too soon," would probably suit her better. When you're sobbing, you don't like to use complex sentences, right?

- THE LETTER was something I had quite a few issues with. It didn't really sound like a guy wrote it, let alone a guy in trouble or grief.

The word "soulmate" is also one of those no-no words. Uncle Rico uses it in Napoleon Dynamite- need I say more?

My favorite guy letters are in the Bloody Jack series, from Jamie to Jacky. Why? It's perfect not-a-writer-guy writing- kind of heavy and adjective-filled, with little personal note to it. And sentiments are saved in their melodramatic format for the end, or at the very beginning, and then roughly dropped.

So! Read a few guy-letters for research, and you should be well off. It's a different style, but I think you're up to the challenge.

- "Whee, I'm pregnant!" is pretty much the catchphrase for most soap operas. And most of these discoveries take place with a lot of melodrama and not a lot of substance.

My favorite writing tip is this: it's perfectly all right to steal other peoples' plot ideas, but you've got to put them in disguise and make them your own.

The unexpected pregnancy is obviously someone elses', so how do you make yours unique?

Usually, it's the two c's- context and characters.

Here's a rough excerpt from a possible chapter of my current project:

Lieutenant leaned over the railing and emptied her stomach onto the sea. She stayed for a moment, her breathing heavy and labored, lips parted slightly. Mei Cheng stood beside her, hands alternating between rubbing Lieutenant's back and shoving slices of ginger into her mouth.

She closed her eyes, letting her neck sway with the junk's movements, until she felt Mei Cheng's cold left hand dip beneath her pistol's sheath.

"What fresh Hell?"

It was more of a statement than an expletive, dulled by circumstance.

"Baby," Mei Cheng said, simply.

Note that the words, "I'm pregnant" are never used. Granted, in archaic context, they wouldn't have been normally, but still. Both of these characters are whacked, and they're on a ship in the midst of the Pacific- so, in effect, I've packaged up the "I'm Pregnant!" epiphany and made it totally my own.

So, study your two c's: context and characters. How can you make your scene unique?

A QUICK NOTE ON DIALOGUE: I know, I know your elementary English teacher told you that using the word 'said' in dialogue was one of the seven deadly sins, but- guess what? She's not with you when you're producing lovely stories featuring Alexa. ^_~

Here's the thing- you want dialogue to be the shining star in your prose. The narrative should be beautiful yet understated, but the dialogue shouid be loud and bold. It's the only real portal we've got into the characters' daily lives.

So, "confessed" and "stuttered" were two I noted. Said would be okay, because it's soft and understated, but those two really caught my eye- even more than the great lines of dialogue being delivered. Use said, or go tagless, so that we get to savor what your characters are saying.

___

Very good story, afamiliarsmile! Please, feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else. I'll definitely be looking out for more stories of yours. ^_^

Thank guys! I'll be updating soon. :]