Dream of the Fayth wrote:
Pikara bounced down the street of the seaside town, which lay nestled at the foot of a mountain. She was worried. If she failed the Final Trial, then it meant having to waste another year in the smelly classroom of the guild.
- “Which lay at the foot of a mountain” I think you can take out all together. Tell us later about the mountain, or describe it as they drive. Here it’s awkward.
- “She was worried” doesn’t fit with the action of the bouncing – it’s a little off.
Many cars had driven past the houses.
- Why is this a standalone sentence, and what does it mean? Why do we care how many cars have gone past if you don’t tell us why we should?
The father of a family of four drove through the labyrinth of houses. The children at the back seat looked at their front lawns, observing the gardens that the townsfolk had grown. Trees were tall and provided shelter. Flowers grew in the flower beds of the gardens. Their brightness was the reason it attracted the holiday makers’ attention. Only those whose eyes had not been tainted by the towering skyscrapers in the capital could truly appreciate their beauty. The car went past a location sign which indicated to the holiday makers that the main plaza was due north and the beach to the west.
- “The children at the backseat” – “in” instead of “at” “The instead of “their” front lawns. “flowers grew in the flower beds of the gardens” – makes this into one sentence with the one before it, and take out “of the gardens” . “was the reason it” – delete. Your last sentence is very sterile, clear cut with no inflection. It’s odd.
The road soon became wider as the car reached the first intersection. As the lights turned yellow, the car slowed to a halt.
- Make this into once sentence, put a comma after intersection and something like “slowing as the lights flicked yellow”
“Hey Mum, are we almost there?” The boy asked.
- If you use “whined” here instead of “asked” you’ll show the emotion better, the fact that he’s asked more than once.
Molly, the youngest in the family was the only one relaxed. Her father was leaning forward on his seat, his hands clutching the wheel tightly. The cars on the left had now stopped at the lights and a car on the right of the intersection edged closer towards the line. Looking through the wired fencing near the metal barriers of the road, she saw mansions perched on the hill side.
- Why is Molly relaxed and no one else?
The town was once governed by a rich millionaire who was the mayor of this town. Tired of the corruption and greed of the business companies in the city, he decided to move into the seaside town some years ago. Ironically, he once did business with the companies. Whether he moved because he saw the error of his ways or to flee from the tension of competitive companies remained hidden.
- “Who was the mayor of this town” can be deleted. It’s fairly redundant. I’m not sure if it is ironic that he did business with them, as that would be how he knew they were corrupt?
Today, the gardens remained. A legacy left behind by the mayor. quote]
- “Remain” instead of “remained”. Have the first two sentences combined and “the” not “a” legacy.
"The sun is the gateway to the day and the night. The maidens stare at this gateway. Their melancholy expressions are the lock, even when the sun starts rising from the west. Only one shows the smile of the Sentinel.”
- I dislike the repetition of “gateway” here.
The shrubs of the maze were tall and thick. Because of this, the paths inside were narrow and had confined the few who treaded the maze. They twist and turn, showing no logic on which way to go.
- I think the second line might be better as: “the paths were narrow and confined.”
Since the maze was located near the ocean, wind normally swept through the mazes’ corridors, through the open windows, brushing the curtains and traveled into the empty rooms of the mansions. The scent of the lilies wafted around its corridors, purging the muskiness of the furniture.
- Take out the second “maze” it’s not needed, “travelled” and “musk” instead of “muskiness”Back on the road, the cars at the intersection had stopped once more.
- Nix “back”
“Please Mum, I need to go! I don’t want to get my pants wet again.” The lights had turned green and the car continued driving for the town plaza. The boy’s cries of desperation became fainter and fainter for the mage detective who had eavesdropped on what they had said. As they drove past, a gust of wind was sent at her. The notebook on her lap was blown right open. The pages flickered, revealing notes and occasional doodles.
- “been eavesdropping” instead of “eavesdropped... said” Nix the first comma in the 3rd last line and make the 2nd last part of it. “...her, the notebook in her lap blown right open”
Holding her drink, she drew her lips on the straw and took another sip. A mixture of tiny crystals and an icy liquid travelled up the straw and into her mouth. As usual, the front of her teeth stung with pain. At least it’s better than having brown stained teeth, like her father had from smoking and drinking too much tea. By now, the crystals in her mouth had melted into liquid and the pain was gone. She swallowed the liquid and the roof of her mouth soon tingled with a chilling sensation. Withdrawing her lips from the straw, she placed it beside her. Her eyes remained closed, hidden by the brim of her beret.
“she swallowed the liquid” – nix “the liquid.
She moved her thumb to the zero and pressed it a few times. The cursor flashing behind a pink background moved down a few lines, leaving space for a picture.
- She leaves her journal entry abruptly.
Maybe a bit too much, for the top button on her white blouse was undone, showing her bra.
- How low was her top to begin with, to only have to undo one button?
Right... so... interesting. ^^ I like the mix of surroundings and character you have here. It’s even and not too much of either side.
I think you have a small issue of flow. It’s all “she did this...” Her hair did that...” kind of thing, you start a lot of your sentences the same way, and it gets boring after a while. You also have some rather short sentences that can be altered to meld with the ones before or after to create better flow.
All in all, I like this. I look forward to the next instalment. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
but that's why I read it I guess!
In the future, try not to review super old stuff, especially if it's not from the present year (unless you're asked).