The Change-Prologue

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Just so you know lads this has no relation to my previously written piece.

Prologue

A Shadow moved up the wall. It would take the keenest eye to see its movement and the quickest hand to catch it. It moved silently through the night. Hell, it was the night.
The Shadow slid over the top of the parapet with feline grace. A gurgle and a muffled scream was indication that the man standing guard had been enveloped by the Shadow.
Like a wisp of smoke it slipped into the guardroom window, up the wall and draped itself over a conveniently placed beam.
Three guards were exchanging banter and playing cards on a sturdy oaken table. The Shadow dropped from above. No sound was made as three heads hit the wood, to the casual observer, simultaneously. Their blood already forming a small pool on the table as the dark liquid came in a steady trickle.
The Shadow moved on through the opposite door without hesitation and dropped off the wall into the courtyard below. It fluttered in between tree and ornament until it reached a wall of the castle. The Shadow then scaled the wall stealthily until it came to a balcony. The Shadow slunk into the adjoining bedroom with renewed purpose, bearing upon the room’s four- poster bed like a predator stalking prey. It towered above the bed sheets and the sleeping lump within them.
Suddenly the Shadow hesitated, it would’ve taken the most observant eye to notice this sliver of uncertainty. But it was there.
There was an audible tch’ from a dark corner of the room, and the unmistakable flicker of a match being struck.
The Shadow whirled.
The flame was slowly raised to illuminate the edges of an imposing, battle-scarred face, and a cigar stub clutched between craggy lips. There was a deliberate pause of the light, giving the Shadow time to observe, then the flame preceded its journey upwards and lit the cigar.
There was a whisper of a breath and the man was cast into pitch black once again.
Moments passed. The room alien in its stillness.
The man was the first to break this. He rose from his corner surrounded by a nimbus of darkness, the patchy light revealing a striking tattoo of a wolf upon his left cheek. He paused to take a deep drag from the cigar wedged between his teeth, then spoke in a deep rumble,
“Shadow right? ”
It wasn’t really a question. The Shadow didn’t provide an answer.
The man sighed and exhaled a plume of smoke.
“You know who I am…” he stated in a voice like an earthquake.
Silence followed. Both knew the answer already.
The Shadow cast a lightning quick glance in the direction of the sleeping figure on the bed and then to the balcony door. The man registered it.
“You know you wont be able to”, he said, while smoke billowed from his nostrils and mouth, “he’s under my protection”.
This was enough for the Shadow. It turned and disappeared into the night.
Bote’Ul the Harbringer stopped to tap ash from his cigar onto the marble floor then slunk back into darkness.
Last edited by Oshmiester on Mon Jul 23, 2007 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-But in the end we've found
-Silent movies are full of sound
-Inaudibly free.




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I liked this, rather dark and mysterious. I do have a few points on grammar though...

Like a wisp of smoke, it slipped into the guardroom window, up the wall and draped itself over a conveniently placed beam.

Three guards were exchanging banter and playing cards on a sturdy oaken table. [Oaken doesn't sound quite right. Just use oak.]

Suddenly, the Shadow hesitated, it would’ve taken the most observant eye to notice this sliver of uncertainty.

“You know you wont be able to”, [I tend to put punctuation like commas and periods before I end the speech marks. I think it looks neater like that.]

“he’s under my protection”. [Same comment as above.]
Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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A Shadow moved up the wall.


Now, is it a shadow, or the Shadow. Meaning, is it a specific entity (one of a kind), or is a general shadow. If it's a specific entity, then I would suggest calling it "the" Shadow in this sentence since you capitalize shadow anyway....I'm feeling nitpicky, sorry.

No sound was made as three heads hit the wood, to the casual observer, simultaneously. Their blood already forming a small pool on the table as the dark liquid came in a steady trickle.


Despite what happens, I'm sure three heads hitting a table would make some sort of sound. Maybe you could describe it as a light thud? As for the second sentence, describing the pool of blood is enough. It would obvious already where it was coming from. It makes the description more powerful if you leave the part about the trickle out.

Lemme show you what I mean:

Example One
The blood on the table was coming from an open wound on the back of his head.

Example Two
Blood already began forming small pools on the table.

The second sentence is clearly better, since it forces the reader to imagine where the blood is coming from. Small detail, I know, but I feel that if you imply things, it causes the reader to think, which ensures they're paying attention. :D

Suddenly the Shadow hesitated, it would’ve taken the most observant eye to notice this sliver of uncertainty.


You need a semicolon there, not a comma.

“Shadow right? ”


Hmm, I think you're missing a comma.

“You know you wont be able to”, he said, while smoke billowed from his nostrils and mouth, “he’s under my protection”.


Missing an apostrophe in "won't".

Other than that it was fine. Not much happened after he broke in, and it ended rather abruptly. But I tend to do that a lot so don't worry about it.

Hope that helps,
Tony




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Hey, i did say i would read and review, it just took a while.


Anywho, you have a really unique voice when you write. I've never seen it before which is good. I agree that you did struggle over certain aspects but its nothing that a second read through couldn't fix.

its great and now i'm gonna go find your other peice.
oh, and please right more.
please, please, please. :D
Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..."



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One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them.
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