The brief account of my feline encounter

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If you have ever seen a mouse warrior you will no just how hard they are to kill . Small little things that stand upright and hold spears , and Most of them come with a determination that is simply undoable. The particular mouse that you will now read about was at the end of his life.

“your in your own mess now” Sam muttered to himself . He was a goner , a dead mouse , alone with every element doing its best to stop him. The wind was full in his face and the rain hammered down on his back. The terrain didn’t improve either , with jagged ends of rock towering above to make acquaintances with the storm clouds , and impassible impressions that had filled up with water.
Every so often the storm would flash blue and everything would light up . By now he had gathered that he was being stalked by three cats , but then there came another flash of lightning, and he had swerved around to look. Caught in an electric blue flash he could see hundreds. Then he was consumed by darkness as the light disappeared . What had he done to deserve this , it seemed that he had attracted an entire clan. Maddened with fear and besieged by imaginary shadows cast by the rain he slipped on broken slate and fell to the ground.


He twisted around so he was facing up , and in doing so he could use his spear. He waited for the nearest cat to pounce ,but it wasn’t a cat, just a suspicious shadow that , now that he looked closer, wasn’t a cat at all. He waited a moment longer , then sprang up and ran on. Then he realized what he was doing.


They weren’t chasing him , they were using him- This was full a scale attack , and they wanted him to lead them back to base. Sam looked back , and felt a bit safer , they wouldn’t kill him as long as they thought he was showing them the way. He was faced with a sad decision , and he made it instantly. He would lead them afar , and when they saw what he had done , he would fight and die a hero.

Not so desperately now , he did just that. Lightning struck a dozen time’s before he lost count , the rain came down weaker , and for a moment when he looked up he thought he could see the moon, but there was no stopping or they would get suspicious.
He started to understand how an army of cats had till now gone undetected. He tripped on purpose and twisted around like he had done before- everything was dark and disfigured ; So , when he turned around they would all stop and wait for him to continue on his way . If he half looked behind he could see there shadows moving against the bare wet rocks, And after a while he had taken to messing with them , falling down and waiting for a long time ; after a while he was doing this more and more often , not because he thought it amusing or funny – he needed to rest , not only was he cut and such , but chilled to the bone and shivering.

“Just a bit further” , he said, “ just a bit more, then peace” Off course by now it was down to sheer will( remember that determination we spoke of?). he commanded his body to step here , to jump there , to climb up this and slide down that. Soon will power was not enough , and he finally met eye to eye with his own miserable end ( that now seemed to him a lot less heroic).

He was on all fours , soaked in rain – crawling on the sharp broken slate . He heard a mouse cry , but he knew himself better than that . It was an illusion – he was listening for something he wanted to hear. Then another cry came , but he just shook his head and tightened his grip on the spear.

The cats were just beginning to see what our hero had done, when he himself did something very brave. You see , Sam was indeed messing with the cats. He had deceived an army , he would not actually allow himself to crawl nor slip and forget to rise again – he whispered a long final goodbye to everything and every one he had loved , and forgetting his pain he took hold of his spear and dashed right into the shadows.

They were surprised , but swiftly this turned to anger as they learned of the trick that had been pulled. But before they could properly react he Struck the nearest with his spear , it shrieked out and sprang on him but he was quick and in the darkness it found nothing between its paws . Now taking the spear out he brought it down low and all hunched and silent he weaved like murderer through the darkest of shadows , and more than once he melted away into the cracks. Lightning struck , and the thunder rolled in. he thought he heard a command shouted out in mouse tongue , but he could not let his concentration waver now- emerging from the darkness like the lightning that came from above , he struck down another . It went down silently , and he apologized to its one dying eye. This sneaky business was not pleasant , and soon he found resentment for himself , rather than the cats.

A battle rhyme, Sam heard , was being sung in mouse voices . There was not much room for doubt now , and then a flash of lightning lit up the scenes playing out beyond his crack, he saw with sudden happiness many many mice , all with spears in clusters already engaging in warfare , the black cats could appear and disappear at will , and more than once he saw them detach themselves from what seemed to be a perfectly innocent patch of shadow , and tear at the mice –which were not faring half bad. In capes these mice were savage , and seemed stronger and far more menacing than any mouse Sam had ever seen. One among them ( perhaps the leader) had a cat pinned by the skin of its neck to the floor , and other rats were biting at the poor thing. Then , with a horrible lurch Sam realized that these were not mice.

RATS , murderers of the young , thief’s of the night-deceptive lying dirty things that had made deals with the serpents of blood. He feared them more than the cats , more than death if such a thing were possible – and now he saw with the lightning a hundred and maybe a thousand, all ordered in lines . The Cats , having lost many of there strongest, were retreating. With horror they looked down at there own mighty leader roaring out for retreat , while he himself did nothing of the sort , and soon despite everything the rats had him down and were ripping at the flesh of he. Sam was sick , and now finally with the battle won and over he could hear the words of the battle rhyme more clearly.





Break the bone and cut the flesh!
Crack the whip till mighty moan!
Then burn the sucker dead , and don’t forgot to fry the head!

Toes will curl , none dare sleep!
Cats will fear and mice will weep!
Then chain the free down, for the rats are coming to town!


Pleasant as it was , Sam had heard enough .By now they had come dangerously close, He wanted to rest more than anything else, but he was sensible- and after taking a moment to calm himself he emerged the crack and followed the cats trail. He had only gone a few paces when he heard something truly terrifying , the worst possible thing any mouse could hear

“MOUSE!” said a sharp very high-pitched voice “OVER THERE!”
A moment later poor Sam , stunned to the spot, Learnt that the particularly large mouse ( who turned out to be a leader) had a taste for mice , for just after he saw Sam , he bellowed out orders;
“Catch the little critter and bring him ‘ere – I Ain’t ‘ad mouse for years”

Sam was already running , through the gaps and down the slopes with the proper moon light on his face(for the storm had just about moved on) . He was swift and he was small , and like before he stook to the dark spots. Surely no creature could catch up with he , yet just behind the rock face he himself had just cleared , or just beyond jagged groves in the granite black he heard them , and soon he would find out what they looked like close up!

Remember now what this poor creature has just gone through ,and if you can summon what compassion is feelable for the likes of a mouse, try to under stand why he did not last very long –suddenly he found himself cornered between to towering walls of rock ( towering for a mouse) . Mad and desperate he swiveled round , searching. He little squeak . A dozen rats had formed a semicircle that was closing in fast , they were not waiting for him to escape , efficiently and ordered they wrestled him to the ground (though they did meet unexpected resistance), then poor Sam felt something grip his torso , and to prevent being ripped to shreds , he stopped struggling.

“the boss wants ya , lets just say he like’s mice”
whats brown , has a head and a tail but no limbs (or organs ) - answer in numbers a=1 b=2 ect-

10 . 5.14.14.25 if you give a poo




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Technically, there were a lot of grammar issues and capitalization problems, so I suggest you read over this again and make sure to fix them.

As for the story itself, it was an interesting look at things from a mouse's perspective, and I absolutely loved the way that he described rats as being horrible creatures and nothing like mice at all. Like I said, it's a refreshing take on things. It was a bit confusing when I read it the first time (most likely because it's getting late) but then I understood what he had done to the cats after a second look.

Really, this piece would improve drastically if you take the time to go through and polish it up by fixing all the grammatical/puntuationa/capitalization/...etc. issues that are there. Without them the story would seem less cluttered, and much more enjoyable to read. That way people can see your story for what it really is and not feel like they have to dig through it to get to the good stuff.

And if you need me to specifically point out the problems (which I would have done now, except like I said it's getting kinda late) just send me a PM and I'll make sure to highlight them for you.

Hope that helps,
Tony




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Yup, you sincerely need to give this a thorough proof read. It's swarming with grammatical errors. On the other hand, it was interesting and original! Mice don't seem to get anthropomorphasized(sp?) that much.

Note that you put too many spaces in here quite a lot. You put a space before and after a comma or full stop, when you only need a space afterwards.

rodent wrote:and Most of them come with a determination that is simply undoable.


Small "m"

Is "undoable" even a word??


rodent wrote:your in your own mess now,” Sam muttered to himself .


That needs to be "you're" and start with a capital letter.

Comma to end speech.

That dialogue sounds a bit weird. His own mess? What's that mean? And you don't need a space before the full stop, only after.


rodent wrote:The terrain didn’t improve either


Say what it doesn't improve. The situation? Sam's mood?


rodent wrote:He waited for the nearest cat to pounce ,but it wasn’t a cat, just a suspicious shadow that , now that he looked closer, wasn’t a cat at all.


Nix the repetition.


rodent wrote:They weren’t chasing him , they were using him- This was full a scale attack , and they wanted him to lead them back to base.


Small tee there.


rodent wrote:Sam looked back , and felt a bit safer , they wouldn’t kill him as long as they thought he was showing them the way.


The first comma is unneccesary, and the second one could be turned into a semi-colon.


rodent wrote:He would lead them afar , and when they saw what he had done , he would fight and die a hero.


Sure, fine and noble, but so unemotional. Where's the feeling behind this heroism?

I dont have the time to carry on anymore, but you get the picture. Nix all those extra spaces and do a proof-read.

-T
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