Veiled Words

Hello there readers,
Firstly thank you for taking the time to read and then hopefully comment on my poem - I would greatly appreciate it!
Just one thing before you start typing... please don't be too brutal, I know that I am not the world’s best poet but this poem does mean a lot to me!
Love Always,
From Bess xox

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A pen collides with the bare paper,
Staining it with black ink,
It is only moments later,
That you are left to think,

The words on the page seem so true,
Yet equally an imitation,
None of them revealing a clue,
Or giving a final explanation

The last line leaves you reeling,
In anticipation of a conclusion,
The things that you are feeling,
Are all parts of the illusion.

The rhyming scheme didn't work here. If anything, it detracted from the content and the flow, which isn't good. I'd say go for more vivid imagery. And here I mean more vivid with the imagery you have, not more imagery in general. The only words in this that were above two syllables were always the last words in a line, and it really made the rhymes seem forced. Oh, and as a note: If you open up by asking people to not be brutal, it just makes them want to nitpick it more
~Ed

Mmkay, so this was definitely a good write. Me personally I'm never the biggest fan in the world of rhyming so I'm not sure if that part is good or not as I neither read nor do a lot of it at all...

Also, you don't need to end all the lines with commas as it's unnecessary...so maybe you could brush up the punctuation in this.

Like whence said, mebbe expand on the imagery you already have a wee bit to grip the reader even more than you already have....otherwise, this is good, keep writing!

I think the second last line of the last stanza is too long. I'd change it to "an end", and then if you wanted, you could rhyme it with "pretend." I agree with whence on the imagery, I think it would help to make it more vivid.I'm not sure about rhyming "paper" with "later", it's not as accurate as some of your other rhymes. I loved the first two lines, and your theme was well developed.

It seemed to me like the rhyming got in the way; it doesn't seem like the type of poem that needs to rhyme. I liked where you were going with it by the end, about the illusion, but I think you could have expanded on the idea a little. Yes, it's an illusion, but go further and see how that illusion could affect a person.

As far as punctuation, think how you would punctuate a sentence in prose as a guide.

PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia

Whence critiqued... I didn't read it, but hey, he says good things. Listen to him.

As for what I have to say! [I also say good things.] They rhyming was too straight forward, and the punctuation was boring and wrong through and through. Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma, last line PERIOD! woah, I don't think that is any way to punctuate.. look at your poem like a sentence:

A pen collides with the bare paper, Staining it with black ink, It is only moments later, That you are left to think, The words on the page seem so true, Yet equally an imitation, None of them revealing a clue, Or giving a final explanation The last line leaves you reeling, In anticipation of a conclusion, The things that you are feeling, Are all parts of the illusion.

That is one crazy run on sentence. This might help: Poetry & Punctuation.

Now for the actual content, I'm horridly adverse to poems about writing. Because.. It seems like the poem is referring to its self within the poem, and that makes me want to scream and wig out. It just seems wrong. Then this seemed to go in an even more chaotic way. By the end, I had no idea what happened, and I was slightly confused. It ends very enigmatic, rather than sure of its self, and confident about what it has to say.

Try writing a poem about something more solid. People, events, things, with action and verbs and imagery. That makes lovely poetry. Oh, and read poetry. Do read poetry. Reading poetry is amazing.

Best of luck.

You go too indepth with your images; you don't have to describe everything to us. Sometimes images are actually made stronger when you only hint at something, and the reader can take something similar from their own personal experience and meld the two. For instance, "A pen collides with bare paper."

First of all, "collides" is really too strong a verb to use here. Don't get me wrong; you want strong, vivid verbs, but you want their connotations to match. If a pen collided with paper, chances are it would leave a hole, instead of words. You could say that a pen scratches across paper, or doodles, or sketches, or transcribes, or dashes off, or slings ink, or scrawls, or slides, or flies, or--well, you get it. There are any number of verbs that would fit better, but "collides" has connotations that are far too violent and abrupt for this use.

Next: "bare paper?" For some reason, this just strikes me as contrived. Sure, it's not as commonly seen as "blank paper," but it's just... I don't know, it doesn't fit quite right. It feels very awkward. Is there no other way you can think of to relate the fact that the paper is blank? And is it even necessary to tell the reader the paper's blank? What hidden meanings could there be in writing on a piece of paper that isn't originally blank? Or is that not what you were going for? Etc et al...

As you can see, there's a lot more you can do with this subject matter than you have done--and only a fraction of it has to do with word choice. ^~

Also--please stop abusing punctuation. Punctuation is your friend. Punctuation loves you. Love it back!

I disagree with the previous posts on the rhyming; I thought it was quite well- done. However, I'll second the comments on correcting the punctuation and rethinking your word choice.

The commas at the end of each line are unnecessary and annoying. I have trouble punctuating poetry, too, but as Claudette demonstrated, looking at the poem as a sentence is always a good way to check your punctuation.

I agree with Fand that while "collides" is a good, strong verb, its connotations are definitely too violent for this poem. This is a poem about writing. I associate collision with chaos and destruction, and when you write, you are creating, not destroying. With that in mind, think of a verb you could replace "collides" with; Fand has some good examples.


Otherwise, nice work; I really liked this poem's content and as I said before, the rhyme. Keep writing!

I agree that the rhyme is simple and the last line of your first stanza feels really forced. It doesn't quite fit with the rest and I think you've put it in just to fit the rhyme scheme. Here are a few specific suggestons, mostly concerning punctuation -
A pen collides with the bare paper, [This line doesn't quite work. Perhaps 'Pen strokes carress pristine paper']
Staining it with black ink, [Maybe this would sound better as 'leaving stains of black ink' and it needs to end in a period.]
It is only moments later, [A half-rhyme already? Half rhymes often don't work in a poem with a regular structure and you could easily use 'caper' or even 'vapour' is a better half rhyme. Spelt as 'vapor' if you're American I think...
That you are left to think,

The words on the page seem so true,
Yet equally an imitation,
None of them revealing a clue,
Or giving a final explanation [This line has a syllable too many. Perhaps 'or giving final explanation' and you need a period again.

The last line leaves you reeling, [No need for a comma here.]
In anticipation of a conclusion, [Either a semi colon or period here and the line is much too long. Maybe 'You anticipate conclusion' would work?]
The things that you are feeling,
Are all parts of the illusion.