Hidden strangers 2

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"Kyen. How are you?" The voice was cold, ice dripping from every syllable.

The man looked up at the one that had dragged him in, then looked down at the mouse which had obviously betrayed him. The room they were in was dimly lit, a window was all that illuminated the small space. Dust coated the floor, untouched, but for the ones already inside. This room had not been used before.

Kyen looked again at the pale face of his captor, drawn and thin, his smile a line shaped by a sharp pencil, which Kyen silently hoped had hurt. The man's eyes glinted harshly, cruel white spheres of malice. One side of his face was abnormally tilted, like melted wax misshapen.

"Kyen?" the cruel voice came again, "Have you not learned to speak when spoken to?"

"Why should I speak to you?" Kyen's words were diffiant, "This is not my intended conversation."

"Ah, but I know what was, and my master isn't pleased."

"Why shouldn't he be?" Kyen attempted to sneer, but the fear he was hiding threatened to overpower him, "I have no like for him, or you. Your words come as no surprise."

The man's smile faltered, this was not going as planned. His prey was supposed to beg for mercy, or plead innocence, Kyen was doing neither. He lashed out and struck Kyen on his head, hot pain shot out from the strike and Kyen collapsed to the floor. He saw boot-shod feet standing near him, and heard the scuffling of the mouses tiny feet, then darkness...




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Gender Female
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Hah hah!

-his smile a line shaped by a sharp pencil- this doesn't sound... right.

-The man looked up at the one that had dragged him in, then looked down- repetition. Try using something different here.

-diffiant- SPELLING! don't ask me how to spell it... but... It's not right!

-Kyen looked again at the pale face of his captor, drawn and thin, his smile a line shaped by a sharp pencil, which Kyen silently hoped had hurt.- What had hurt?

-, "I have no like for him, or you- sounds strange

-He lashed out and struck Kyen on his head, hot pain shot out from the strike- using 'Struck' and 'strike' so close together isn't effective.
I have a problem with this myself, every time I use the same or simalar words twice I make myself re-word it.

-mouses tiny feet- Mouse's

and using '...' seems... unfinished and sloppy to me.

You caught me in a nitpicky mood! :shock:
Anyway, keep writing, it's interesting.
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.



Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx