Caffeine-Induced Hallucination

A caffeine induced hallucination, that must be it.
Three hours of surveying the swirling patterns
on the wooden table, and I finally spot the eye.

It’s taken five cups of coffee, drunk in sips once
it has cooled down and grown tasteless,
but now it burns a hole through me like it's a lit cigarette.

It’s been watching me the whole time, and surely
I’ve traced my finger over it a hundred
times without feeling it's gaze.

Now that it's empty, there is no longer the quiet hum
of people to distract me and the
chandelier overhead is rocking as though

the ghost of a vulture-eyed man-perhaps
it is his eye on the table- is pushing
it, in rhythm with the pounding of my heart

Coffee shops are ghost towns at five a.m.
All that’s awake now is me and the gray skies,
and the eye that’s been watching me sip cold coffee

hour after hour, and I wonder why
I haven't noticed it the other days that I've been here,
or if perhaps it only just appeared...

Hrm...this is...um. I'm not quite sure how to critique it or anything of the sort. It doesn't have a rhythm (How I hate that word! I'm never sure how to spell the dratted thing), nor does it rhyme. Each line doesn't have the same number of beats, or even alternating beats. It's more like... a rambling comment made by the persona that you've just broken up into lines.

One section I could see as 'poetry' and that's the last two lines.

that’s been watching me sip cold coffee
for three hours.

Thats the only part I can really tell that's ...shall we say, 'poetic'? The rest, like I said, is just a bit more of a comment, than a poem. I've even allowed for blank verse, but that still has -some- form of rhythm, iambic feet and what not, but you seem to be lacking that so...

I like the -concept- that seems to have created it, the inspiration and topic for the poem, but the way that you wrote it...not so much. Sorry, but I don't really like it, it my be your style or something along those lines, so be it but...I don't know what else to say to explain it really, in a way that you can understand and improve from.

Tata mwa!

SS

I love it! I'm not sure about the use of the word "folks". I think I'd say "people" instead, though to be honest I don't really have a reason. I thought some of your layout was a little erratic, and at times it got a little too choppy, e.g:

Now it’s empty
and there is no longer the quiet hum
of people to distract me and the
chandelier overhead swings just so,

I'd try reading it aloud to help you see how it should flow, and maybe play around laying it out in different ways.

a different style then I'm accustomed to, surely. But that doesn't make it bad in it's own way... My main gripe with this was your ending. It fell short of the previous mood. Yes, it was observations, but they worked, sort of. Except the ending. It shattered any attempt at being profound that was present 'til that point. And yes, I'd recommend working on rhythm a bit, but I don't see this as lacking it to the point where it really detracts from the piece, but some boosted flow could certainly add to this. I...really don't know what else to add. But then again I'm tired. And probably rambling. Praps I'll take another look when conscious...

-stamps 'CCF WuZZzz H3re' in purple letters-
~Ed

Thanks for the comments, people!