Silly--HEAVILY EDITED

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“Honey… are you sure you want to go?”
“Yes, I ar’dy told you!”

The adorable girl had her jaw stuck out in the perfect measure of her stubbornness. Her mother was torn between laughing and crying. Why was she being so stupid? Of course she could go… no use being silly about it, after all.

“Well, do try and have fun, dear.” Why was she adopting this horribly worried voice? No matter…better to just drop her off quick--maybe she could still catch the judges’ decision (that Simon was quite the charmer).

The youth’s face radiated joy as the slam of the car door was lost amid the bass of thunder--the first sign of a summer-storm. As the taillights bled into the June heat, Ellende ripped through the heavy air. She imagined that each point of grass was a wicked spring, determined to launch her up…out--all the way to the moon. So she skipped, using their fragrant buoyancy against them, slinging herself forward, faster, with each bound; the satisfyingly elastic resistance whipping back in perfect time with her heartbeat. Her lips began to crack from the force of smiling, she was going so fast, she’d surely die from this manic exhilaration, when--

“Careful there, dear. You wouldn’t want to trip." The voice had a lyrical quality about it, and Ellende began to feel pleasantly drowsy as she listened.

“Come along, now… we’ll just nip you over here to be with all your little friends.” The lady’s words subtly sped up as she uttered them, fitting in perfect rhythm with the child’s heartbeat.

“Yes, Miss Prost,” Ellende sang dutifully.
She skipped to keep up, much to the bemused twinkle-of-a-laugh that belonged to the hostess.

The cloud cover formed a crystalline shell over the lawn, and at once they burst into falling mist. Paper tablecloths drank in this moisture, and archaic truths were spilling, spelling across their thin fronts. And thus the party began.

“More sherbet, dear? My… you do look silly in those hats,” always accompanied by that light, ringing chuckle. There was a piñata (though soggy, the candy inside was sticky-sweet). The beast was hammered to the metronome of heartbeat (or heartbreak?). Vivacity is no means for survival, and it just echoes the colors; the brutally soft music in a life’s end. It was such a silly animal.

From the side yard came the greatest sight yet: a great rotund kiddy pool, over-inflated and violently pink. A hose is snaked out, and slowly the weight of water stills the ludicrous thing.

Dr. House was still muttering from the set at Ellende’s home when the storm proper was unleashed. In her mind, it was all contained in the crystalline cloud-cage that even now enveloped them. Indeed, it seemed as if those licks of light were much too close to accompany the bass of thunder that paired them. But worse still was the waiting; that pause between the bolt and the boom. It was in one of those mute periods that they all streaked inside, seeking shelter from silence and storm.

But Ellende stayed. She refused to leave without getting her turn in the nonsensical pool. It sat there, like some tomb of licorice, just waiting to reverse the norm. But it was that haunting thrill that so enticed her, and thus the youth slid over the lip of the plasticized wheel, and into the crystalline hubcap itself. The rain blending with her prickling tears, diluting their salty bite, the little girl, stopping to see for the first time, realized the world was a much wi[l]der place then she thought. Gravity’s no fun, she noted sourly. It stuck this pool, an’ in time it’ll stick me. Her anger was filtered through defiant surprise as the glass slide aside, and the hostess approached her charge.

“Honey, come inside. You shouldn’t be in that wretched thing. You’ll likely catch cold, or worse yet shiver through some lightn’in,”

Ellende’s glower faltered as Miss Prost neared, looking inexplicably wetter then the little girl. She was at the rim of the pink atrocity, and reaching forward. Suddenly Ellende had the very strong urge to take the woman’s hand; after all, why shouldn’t she? But Gravity took things in its own miserable course, and the grass-points conspired to send Miss Prost, shrieking, to the bottom of the ridiculous bowl with a bounce. She came up, sputtering and spiteful.

“It’s silly, really,” the child offered helplessly. “Us being out here an’ all”.

A pallid arm thrust forth, and seized Ellende in a vice grip; the woman's fingertips pinching just behind the ears. Now it was her turn to sputter, and any hint of defiancy leaked out of her face for the first time in her short, sweet life. Running down her throat, it mixed with her choking breath, and again was that laugh like the sparkle of a bell. The rain pierced the little girl's eyes, and it bled their color down her cheek. A trace of green against the white, that flowed all the way down to join skin pigments in the water below. Projectile blood joined the mixing colors of the boisterous pool, and the youth fell upon her knees. As a grimace contorted Miss Prost’s etched face, (set as stone against the horror), a flash of lightning lit the scene for the voiceless smirks watching at the window. Leaning into her efforts, focusing the whole of herself on the back of the wench’s neck, the mistress guided Ellende’s face past the film at the water's edge, into the spectrum and silence below. A crystalline end, and the world missed a beat and one more heart slowed. The cloud cover drifted apart, and a bleached body (stained with the pigments washed from her skin and eyes) padded against the pink ground. It was a silly thing, the elasticized bounds of life amidst death.

“Well come along then, children. There’s still cake to be had,” and all the while, with that ringing mirth; a laugh like tinkle of a bell.

_________________________
author's note: I'm sticking with poetry from now on ;)
Last edited by whence on Sun Jun 24, 2007 7:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway




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Well, first thing I noticed (and I don't know if it's just me), it's incredibly wordy. So much, I can't concentrate on what's happening in the story and I'm trying to keep up with all these words packed into a paragraph. It's almost like you're using way too many words to describe a simple scene or action.

“Careful there, dear. You wouldn’t want to trip” The voice was a dozen bells,


There's a period missing there.

The lawn was infused with faux dew as a mist of rain spread over it, paper table clothes drank in this moisture,


Tablecloths?

I also noticed you used the word "crystalline" a lot, and it kind of bothered me.

It sounds really interesting, and you seem to have a good grasp on what you're writing, but sadly I can't concentrate on it because of all the words. I'm still confused at what happened at the end.




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“Honey… are you sure you want to go?”
“Yes, I ar’dy told you!”

The [s]unknowingly[/s] adorable girl had her jaw stuck out [s]furiously[/s]; [comma, d00d, not semicolon] the perfect measure of her resolution[don't use such an "adult" word while describing a child. Decision works just as well]. Her mother was torn between laughing and crying. Why was she being so stupid? Of course she could go… no use being silly about it, after all.

“Well, do try and have fun, dear,” why was she adopting this horribly worried voice? [Make the comma after "dear" a period, and capitalize "why"] No matter…better to just drop her off quick--maybe she could still catch the judges’ decision (that Simon was quite the charmer).

[s]In a flicker of dormant estrogen,[/s] the youth’s face radiated joy[s]; the unfermented purity of ignorance.[/s] ["Unfermented" isn't a word, but in any case, wordyness :-P] The slam of the car door was lost amid the bass[bass? Why not clap, or strike, or something more akin to thunder?] of thunder--the first sign of a summer-storm. As the taillights bled into the June heat [that makes no sense. You just sed "The taillights are on, and it's hot". So? It's summer. duh it's hot.], Ellende ripped through the heavy air. [too figurative for my taste. Why not drove?] She imagined that each prolific point of grass was a wicked spring, determined to launch her up…out--all the way to the moon. So she skipped, using their fragrant buoyancy against them, slinging herself forward, faster, with each bound; the satisfyingly elastic resistance whipping back in perfect time with her heartbeat. Her lips began to crack from the force of smiling, she was going so fast, she’d surely die from this manic exhilaration, when-- [What just happened in all that? I want to strike it out, but I have a feeling you were trying to characterize or something. Wait - what were you trying to do? xD I have no clue. Describe something? Your abstract poeticness is slipping in.]

“Careful there, dear. You wouldn’t want to trip” [s]The voice was a dozen bells, each intonation a different pitch, blending together to create the most succulent harmony.[/s] [that just sounds stupid. Sorry dear.]

“Come along, now… we’ll just nip you over here to be with all your little friends.” The lady’s words subtly sped up as she uttered them, fitting in perfect rhythm with the child’s heartbeat.

“Yes, Miss Prost,” Ellende sang dutifully, skipping to keep up, much to the bemused twinkle-of-a-laugh that belonged to the hostess. [split this sentence up, ending at the dialog tag and starting anew at "She skipped to keep up..."]

The lawn was infused with faux dew as a mist of rain spread over it, paper table clothes drank in this moisture, and archaic truths were spelling across their thin fronts. [s]The precipitation took on the attitude of a low fog, more then anything.[/s] It was under this [s]crystalline[/s] shelter that the Birthday party began. [Er... I have problems with this paragraph. How is it faux, if it is rain? If it was pool water, maybe. Dew and rain water are the same thing, technically both a form of water deposit. Also, in the next close, you said table cloths got wet, but in too many words. I cut the next sentence, because it does nothing. "This shelter" sounds odd. What shelter? A building? A patio?]

“More sherbet, dear? My… you do look silly in those hats,” always accompanied by that light, ringing chuckle. [*gasp* That is not a dialog tag mister!] There was a piñata (though soggy, the candy inside was sticky-sweet [s]to perfection[/s]). [s]And it was with a cold beauty that the beast was beaten, again and again to the metronome of heartbeat (or heartbreak?), no matter the flamboyant thing’s will to survive, it was still torn apart with a sickening crack as the dense dark bat connect, resonating with undeniable truth, the comfort; the brutally soft music in a life’s end. It was such a silly animal.[/s] [I don't think I've ever seen someone use that many words to describe hitting a pinata xD you can be graceful, and beautiful, but this is bordering on some chaotic form of purple prose. like... black prose. It isn't fluffy, its just chunky. purple prose is fluffy.]

From the side yard comes [What tense are you in? Weren't you in past...?] the greatest sight yet; [That should be a colon] a great rotund kiddy pool, over-inflated and [s]a violent shade of blasphemy-[/s]pink. The hose is snaked out from Never, and slowly the bubble-gum behemoth is cemented down, the weight of that crystalline clamp thumb-screwing it against the oncoming rain. [For the love of all that is beautiful fiction, you are too wordy. Seriously Whence, you are describing every day things in the most ridiculous manner, and it isn't even funny.]

Dr. House was still muttering politically-incorrect diagnoses in the earthy living room at Ellende’s home when the storm proper was unleashed. In her mind, it was all contained in the crystalline pod that even now enveloped them. Indeed, it seemed as if those licks of light were much too close to accompany the bass of thunder that paired them. But worse still was the waiting; that pause between the strobe and the ululation; the bolt and the boom. It was in one of those mute periods that they all streaked inside, seeking respite from silence and storm. [I'm going to shoot you if I find the word, "crystalline" again. Use it logically, and for that matter, don't over use it. Also, you just use way too many words to describe things. I for one find a beauty in being able to describe something pleasantly with less words, like six word stories. The less words, the more beauty, the more weight it holds. Perhaps I'll teach you to cut through the literary "crap" in your sentences, because you are good, you just stuff everything full of needless description that no one can even relate to, picture, or imagine.]

But Ellende stayed;[Period] she refused to leave without getting her turn in the [s]shockingly pink pond[/s] [Insert: pool]. [s]It waited for her, like some sickly-sweet comforter, a tomb of licorice, just waiting to reverse the norm.[/s] But it was that haunting thrill that so enticed her, and thus the stubborn youth slid over the lip of the plasticized wheel, and into the crystalline hubcap itself. [Expect to get shot the next time I talk to you. I really did like "The youth slid over the lip of the plasticized wheel" but everything else was wordy, including "stubborn." You don't need adjectives, show us she is stubborn by her demanding to swim, despite the rain or.. what ever. I can't tell.] The intangible hemisphere over the pool so resembled the skein at the edge of the storm-haze, that Ellende suffered from a stomach wrenching combination of déjà vu and vertigo. [What?] The rain blending with her prickling tears, diluting the salt-bite, the little girl, able to objectively see the world from inside her obnoxious bubble, realized that it was a much wider place then she’d thought. Gravity’s a bitch, she noted venomously. It betrayed this pool, an’ in time it’ll betray me. Her anger was filtered through defiant surprise as the glass slide aside, and the hostess approached her charge. [So you still had her think that? In all logic, it makes no sense. Your character is contradicting, it's a child for goodness sake! XP]

“Honey, come inside. You shouldn’t be in that wretched thing. You’ll likely catch cold, or worse yet shiver through some lightn’in,”

Ellende’s glower faltered as Miss Prost neared[s]; somehow looking much more drenched then the small girl.[/s] [New sentence: She some how looked wetter than the little girl.] She was at the rim of the pink obstrocity [s](which suddenly looked much more like a cage to the nervous youth)[/s], and reaching forward. Suddenly Ellende had the very strong urge to take the woman’s hand; after all, why shouldn’t she? But Gravity took things in its own miserable course, and the grass-points conspired to send Miss Prost, shrieking, to the bottom of the ridiculous bowl with a bounce. She came up, sputtering and radiating the kind of desperation that only true spite can bring.

“It’s silly, really,” the child offered helplessly. “Us being out here an’ all”.

A pallid arm thrust forth, and seized Ellende in a vice grip at her jugular. Now it was her turn to sputter, and any hint of defiancy leaked out of her face for the first time in her short, sweet life. Running down her throat, it mixed with her choking, and again was that laugh like the sparkle of a bell. [What running down her throat? The "defiancy" sentence was actually good, though defiancy isn't a word says Mozilla spell check] The rain broke through the lower bubble, and it bled the little girl’s eye color down her cheek; a trace of green against the white. Projectile blood joined the mixing colors of the boisterous pool, and the youth hit her knees. As a grimace contorted Miss Prost’s etched face, set as stone against the horror, a flash of lightning lit the scene for the voiceless faces watching at the window. Leaning into her efforts, focusing the whole of herself on the back of the sprite’s neck, the mistress guided Ellende’s face past the film of the water, into the spectrum of truth below. A crystalline end [I hate you and I hate "crystalline"], and the world missed a beat and one more heart slowed. The weather-prod drifted apart, and as a pigment-washed body padded against the pink ground, the last bubble burst forth. It was a silly thing, the elasticized bounds of life amidst death.

“Well come along then, children. There’s still cake to be had,” and all the while, with that ringing mirth; a laugh like tinkle of a bell.


Okay, well, you know I was cruel because I loved you!

Actually, I have some good things to say. But first, you talked to much about the stupid bell, and I hate crystalline.

Good! Some of the sentences nearing the end actually weren't so bad, and I had a spark of genius that I'll mention later. The death scene its self was a tad confusing in places... I wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but I loved "body padded against the pink ground." Honestly, I hate your wordiness with a passion, but some of it wasn't so bad. It reminded me of Nabokov at times, which is good because I love Nabokov. He has this way of being poetic and wordy, and it works. That's the thing about Russians, the do wordiness really good. I've only read Lolita, Pale Fire and about 170 pages or Ada or Ardor, but I suggest you pick something up by him. Lolita might be considered his best, but he's got a beauty to his writing that it is all good. You might enjoy reading it, and you might find that you've got a style like his waiting to jump out of you.

Sure, I hacked it up, but in the end I was positive, right? :lol:
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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ok, thanks a whole friggin' lot Claw. I did some fairly major edits, but I still need to cut out about 250 words.
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
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...*Disclamer* These are all my opinions I am not an expert so this may sound weird (if thats the case just ignore it) and I haven't read any of the other critiques so I apologize if this has already been said...


“Honey… are you sure you want to go?”
“Yes, I ar’dy told you!”

The adorable girl had her jaw stuck out in the perfect measure of her stubbornness. Her mother was torn between laughing and crying. Why was she being so stupid? Of course she could go… no use being silly about it, after all.

“Well, do try and have fun, dear.” Why was she adopting this horribly worried voice? No matter…better to just drop her off quick--maybe she could still catch the judges’ decision (that Simon was quite the charmer).


Already I'm uber confused.

bass of thunder--


you missed the word "the" and you only need one -

Ellende is who/what exactly?

her up…out--all


way too many symbols there, replace the elipses with "and" maybe and again you only need one -. Or simply omit "up…out".

At this point I'm confused again, who are you talking about? At first I thought it was the mom person but now it seems like the daughter person.

So she skipped, using their fragrant buoyancy against them, slinging herself forward, faster, with each bound; the satisfyingly elastic resistance whipping back in perfect time with her heartbeat. Her lips began to crack from the force of smiling, she was going so fast, she’d surely die from this manic exhilaration, when--


Ahh the run ons!

“Careful there, dear. You wouldn’t want to trip." The voice had a lyrical quality about it, and Ellende began to feel pleasantly drowsy as she listened.


Who's voice is it? Lady's? Mans? Not supposed to be there? Or should it be there?

“Careful there, dear. You wouldn’t want to trip." The voice had a lyrical quality about it, and Ellende began to feel pleasantly drowsy as she listened.

“Come along, now… we’ll just nip you over here to be with all your little friends.” The lady’s words subtly sped up as she uttered them, fitting in perfect rhythm with the child’s heartbeat.


That should be one paragraph.

So far its seeming not like as still of a read as it actually is, the anticipation is enraging! (That's good)

The cloud cover formed a crystalline shell over the lawn, and at once they burst into falling mist. Paper tablecloths drank in this moisture, and archaic truths were spilling, spelling across their thin fronts. And thus the party began.


They're out doors, shouldn't rain be bad? Especially for little kids? You're not supposed start a sentence with "and" but writers are allowed to do that occasionally. "Thus" there is a fish out of water, the rest of the wording doesn't... support, the word "thus".

More sherbet, dear? My… you do look silly in those hats,” always accompanied by


Again, they're little and outside in the rain? Even in June that is kinda bad. What do their hats look like? What's always accompanied?

(though soggy, the candy inside was sticky-sweet).


try...
"though it was soggy, and the candy inside it was sticky, but still sweet"

What kind of piñata?

The beast was hammered to the metronome of heartbeat (or heartbreak?).
What's it hammered to?

Vivacity is no means for survival, and it just echoes the colors; the brutally soft music in a life’s end. It was such a silly animal.
Omit that, just get rid of it.

A hose is snaked out
you changed tenses.

Whats the set?

storm proper
What is that?

There you go with the "thus" again.

wi[l]der
What's up with that?

Gravity’s no fun, she noted sourly. It stuck this pool, an’ in time it’ll stick me
. What does she mean?

“Well come along then, children. There’s still cake to be had,” and all the while, with that ringing mirth; a laugh like tinkle of a bell


What? A girl just died (I think) and somebodies offering the other kids cake? If its just to distract them say that they were saying that just to distract them, and the whole part about her dying is kind of confusing, did she die?

Anyways, in a whole it was good, just work on the things I said and don't stick to poetry just because you think you're no good at this. (You are)
I just lost the game.




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whence wrote:“Honey… are you sure you want to go?”
“Yes, I ar’dy told you!”

The adorable girl had her jaw stuck out in [s]the[/s] perfect measure of her stubbornness. Her mother was torn between laughing and crying. Why was she being so stupid? Of course she could go… no use being silly about it, after all.

“Well, do try and have fun, dear.” Why was she adopting this horribly worried voice? No matter…better to just drop her off quick--maybe she could still catch the judges’ decision (that Simon was quite the charmer).

The youth’s face radiated joy as the slam of the car door was lost amid the bass of thunder--the first sign of a summer-storm. As the taillights bled into the June heat,Gorgeous Description! Ellende ripped through the heavy air. She imagined that each point of grass was a wicked spring, determined to launch her up…out--all the way to the moon. So she skipped, using their fragrant buoyancy against them, slinging herself forward, faster, with each bound; the satisfyingly elastic resistance whipping back in perfect time with her heartbeat. Her lips began to crack from the force of smiling, she was going so fast, she’d surely die from this manic exhilaration, when--

“Careful there, dear. You wouldn’t want to trip." The voice had a lyrical quality about it, and Ellende began to feel pleasantly drowsy as she listened.

“Come along, now… we’ll just nip you over here to be with all your little friends.” The lady’s words subtly sped up as she uttered them, fitting in perfect rhythm with the child’s heartbeat.

“Yes, Miss Prost,” Ellende sang dutifully.
She skipped to keep up, much to the bemused twinkle-of-a-laugh that belonged to the hostess.

The cloud cover formed a crystalline shell over the lawn, and at once they burst into falling mist. Paper tablecloths drank in [s]this[/s] the moisture, and archaic truths were spilling, spelling across their thin fronts. And thus the party began.I didn't understand that at all. I really dont get it.

“More sherbet, dear? My… you do look silly in those hats,” always accompanied by that light, ringing chuckle. There was a piñata (though soggy, the candy inside was sticky-sweet). The beast was hammered to the metronome of heartbeat (or heartbreak?). Vivacity is no means for survival, and it just echoes the colors; the brutally soft music in a life’s end. It was such a silly animal.

Not crazy about the parenthses. It draws away from the story. They're after thoughts and perhaps not needed? If they are find a way to incorporate them more without seperating them.

From the side yard came the greatest sight yet: a great rotund kiddy pool, over-inflated and violently pink. A hose isTense Change! I should eat you I really should. lol snaked out, and slowly the weight of water stills the ludicrous thing.

Dr. House was still muttering from the set at Ellende’s home when the storm proper was unleashed. In her mind, it was all contained in the crystalline cloud-cage that even now enveloped them. Indeed, it seemed as if those licks of light were much too close to accompany the bass of thunder that paired them. But worse still was the waiting; that pause between the bolt and the boom. It was in one of those mute periods that they all streaked inside, seeking shelter from silence and storm.

But Ellende stayed. She refused to leave without getting her turn in the nonsensical pool. It sat there, like some tomb of licorice, just waiting to reverse the norm. But it was that haunting thrill that so enticed her, and thus the youth slid over the lip of the plasticized wheel, and into the crystalline hubcap itself. The rain blending with her prickling tears, diluting their salty bite, the little girl, stopping to see for the first time, realized the world was a much wi[l]der place then she thought. Gravity’s no fun, she noted sourly. It stuck this pool, an’ in time it’ll stick me. Her anger was filtered through defiant surprise as the glass slide aside, and the hostess approached her charge.

“Honey, come inside. You shouldn’t be in that wretched thing. You’ll likely catch cold, or worse yet shiver through some lightn’in,”

Ellende’s glower faltered as Miss Prost neared, looking inexplicably wetter then the little girl. She was at the rim of the pink atrocity, and reaching forward. Suddenly Ellende had the very strong urge to take the woman’s hand; after all, why shouldn’t she? But Gravity took things in its own miserable course, and the grass-points conspired to send Miss Prost, shrieking, to the bottom of the ridiculous bowl with a bounce. She came up, sputtering and spiteful.

“It’s silly, really,” the child offered helplessly. “Us being out here an’ all”.

A pallid arm thrust forth, and seized Ellende in a vice grip; the woman's fingertips pinching just behind the ears. Now it was her turn to sputter, and any hint of defiancy leaked out of her face for the first time in her short, sweet life. Running down her throat, it mixed with her choking breath, and again was that laugh like the sparkle of a bell. The rain pierced the little girl's eyes, and it bled their color down her cheek. A trace of green against the white, that flowed all the way down to join skin pigments in the water below. Projectile blood joined the mixing colors of the boisterous pool, and the youth fell upon her knees. As a grimace contorted Miss Prost’s etched face, (set as stone against the horror), a flash of lightning lit the scene for the voiceless smirks watching at the window. Leaning into her efforts, focusing the whole of herself on the back of the wench’s neck, the mistress guided Ellende’s face past the film at the water's edge, into the spectrum and silence below. A crystalline end, and the world missed a beat and one more heart slowed. The cloud cover drifted apart, and a bleached body (stained with the pigments washed from her skin and eyes) padded against the pink ground. It was a silly thing, the elasticized bounds of life amidst death.

“Well come along then, children. There’s still cake to be had,” and all the while, with that ringing mirth; a laugh like tinkle of a bell.

_________________________
author's note: I'm sticking with poetry from now on ;)



It was interesting. I did enjoy it though a bit lost here and there. I'm not 100% as to what happened. Either I missed details or you did. You have nice descriptions but you could trim them down. You dont need everything to be described to the letter and you dont have to metaphor everything either. Your metaphors are wonderful(You write poetry of course they are!) But sometimes you can be direct.

Over all a nice piece. And dont constrain yourself to Poetry. This is a lovely piece. And everything I said is just my humble opinion.

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