Another excerpt from my novel

Note: the italicized notes were footnotes on word, but I couldn't do footnotes on this website.


Philip yelled and charged. The black took a flying leap, jumping over the heads of more that a few goblins. He landed in chaos. Goblins were all around, and Philip’s sword was like a blur of deadly fire. Finally the goblin line ended, and he was face to face with the dwarves.

Fear was etched into their wide, brown faces, so Philip turned quickly around. There in front of the Tor was a full-grown troll bull (strong and big (slightly stooped) male troll with wicked horns); a horror heard of only in the tales of long-past goblin wars (there was a goblin war, similar to the one happening at this time, about 100 years earlier). Its thick iron armor covered its whole body, complete with large shin guards, spiked boots, wickedly spiked bracers, a massive helmet, and a long flowing black cape, showing his place as the leader of the assault. The thing carried a massive two-handed and two-bladed axe in his huge hands.

A troll is fear itself; but this was fully armored troll bull with a massive axe and the smarts enough to lead an army. The dwarves despaired, ready to flee to their mines to starve in the dark; but there was one among them who did not wish to waste away in despair! The Tor stood tall, (he had already dismounted knowing how best to fight trolls) despite his short stature, and stepped up to the beast, looking straight at it although he had to look up.

“Do you have a death wish fool!” it roared, and even the goblins trembled.

“Do you that you would take on the might of the dwarves, humans, elves, and Tors together!?” challenged Philip in a strong voice. He grasped a fallen axe and flung the heavy weapon at the troll’s armored head. It hit with a solid clang and the thing roared; Philip ran back, yelling for the dwarves to fire arrows.

Arrows came flying by Philip, more than he expected for dwarves were poring in by the minute. Most had bows.

“Fire! Find his weak spots!” he yelled as he rallied the front line of dwarves. “Friend dwarves, this is a dire situation so we must act! Now, the arrows will aggravate him if nothing else. That will make him charge us, and we must stand. Use your axes and try to get behind him. Chop his legs out from underneath him, but mind his spiked boots!”

A loud roar shook the earth and filled Philip’s head with its fury. The bull troll charged; the dwarves stood their ground as the beast came crashing into their midst. Many a dwarf was swept away by the massive axe, but a few got around behind the troll.

Suddenly a clear horn split the air and Philip looked up to see Talben Meroth charging at the head of his horsemen toward the goblin flank. Goblins ran shrieking and the troll turned to look.

“Now!” yelled Philip, but the dwarves needed no bidding. They swarmed around him hacking furiously at the thick leg plates. Meanwhile the archers continued to volley arrows at the large creature. Then Philip saw the troll go down on one knee; a strong dwarven axe had finally smashed through the armor. Philip dropped his bow and ran full speed towards the troll. Snatching some poor dwarf’s axe, Philip jumped forward. He planted one foot on the troll’s broad knee and used it to spring towards the head. The Tor smashed his axe deep into the leather that protected the commander’s neck.

The troll roared, gurgled, and then fell. Dwarves charged at their enemy; he was dead.

Hey there!

This sounds like something I'd write .

(strong and big (slightly stooped) male troll with wicked horns)

I don't think you can have brackets within brackets , but they were only foot notes so I'm just being too picky.

It reminded me of LOTR when they all fight that troll in the mines, is that where you got your inspiration from?

I liked it ! Your description really made it easy to picture the action. Will you post more?

Oooh, a fight. I'm horrid at writing these sorts of things, but this was quite good. Very specific, but not overly telling or confusing. I have but a few suggestions:

Goblins were being knocked this way and that, and Philip’s sword was like a blur of deadly fire.

I like the deadly fire part, but the 'being knocked this way and that' sounded a bit more comical than I would have expected. It didn't really fit with the mood of the fight.

A troll is fear itself; but a fully armored troll bull with a massive axe and the smarts enough to lead an army is plain death. The dwarves despaired, ready to flee to their mines to starve in the dark; but there was one among them who did not wish to waste away in despair!

I didn't like the first sentence; it wasn't necessarily terrible, but it seemed to interrupt the flow of the action. Also, you use 'to' twice in the second sentence, which sounds a bit repetitive. Perhaps change the second 'to' to 'and'?

“Do you have a death wish fool!” it roared in a tremendous voice, and even the goblins trembled.

Well, if he's roaring and the goblins are trembling, one could imply he had a tremendous voice, no?

“Do you that you would take on the might of the dwarves, humans, elves, and Tors together!?” shouted Philip strongly. Suddenly he grasped a fallen dwarf axe and flung the heavy weapon at the troll’s armored head.

I think you're missing a word in the dialogue. And Philip shouted strongly? Yuck! If he's shouting, of course his voice is strong! I don't like the 'suddenly' in there - it makes it sound abrupt, while without the suddenly, it's really not.

Arrows came flying by Philip, more than he expected for more dwarves were arriving all the time. Most had bows.

Er, this was a little awkward. I think you should reword everything after 'for'

Suddenly a loud roar shook the earth and filled Philip’s head with its fury. The bull troll charged. The hearty dwarves stood their ground as the beast came crashing into their midst. Many a dwarf was swept away by the massive axe, but a few got around behind the troll.

You used 'suddenly' again. Bah! I don't like how you described the dwarves as 'hearty' either. Them standing their ground implies that. You seem to like telling us things through adjectives. Stop. It's just as bad as telling us outright that your dwarf is hearty.

Meanwhile the archers poured arrows at the large creature. Suddenly Philip saw the troll go down on one knee; a strong dwarven axe had smashed through the armor! Philip dropped his bow and ran full speed towards the troll.

They poured arrows? How do you do that? You used 'suddenly' again! And I don't like your exclamation point in there - it detracts from the power of the scene.

The troll roared, gurgled, and then fell. Quickly the dwarves finished him off.

Erm, I would like to see this. How did the dwarves finish him off? It seems like a rather weak ending for a battle.

You have a good style at describing action. I liked it despite my criticism. Some overall suggestions:

1. AVOID SUDDENLY! It's all right to use it every now and then, but, especially in action, it can make an otherwise perfectly pace sentence seem rushed.

2. Don't tell me with your adjectives. I'm glad that you're not outrightly telling me, but telling me through adjectives is just as bad. The actions of your characters portray their personalities fine - you don't need to clutter this with adjectives.

3. Adverbs are silly. Don't use unnecessary adverbs like 'strongly'. The verb used should describe the action enough - only use adverbs unless you need to describe something an exact way.

4. Dialogue. I don't know your characters very well yet, thus why I did not comment on this in my nitpicks, but some of your dialogue seemed too... impassive, if you will. Philip barely seems affected by the chaos of the moment and it makes his dialogue seem stiff.

5. Emotion? Now, this may just be me and my lack of knowledge about this story, but it seemed to me that Philip was awfully calm about this entire thing, and, unless he's been in a dozen troll fights before, it seems unnatural. I'm not asking you to go into a long introspection about how afraid Philip is, but some more chaotic of panicked verbs or perhaps some small bits of body language to hint at his anxiety might make this more realistic.

In all, a nice job. I look forward to reading more of your excerpts. Nice job and keep on writing. PM me if you have any questions.

Hi! I thank you both profusely (can't get out of old English can I). I changed some things in the story and hopefully improved on it. I added a poll too !

I might post some more, but it'll probably be awhile. (I've already posted a battle that occured earlier in this novel.) This troll fight is one of the last things I wrote in my novel, so most likely I won't have anything more to post anytime too soon.

Thanks all!

-The green one

Really amazing. It actually had me holding my breath, kinda...
But really, I would liek to read the rest, even though yoy probably already posted it and I just haven't looked.
But it was really good, you explained how the troll looked in full but I'd also like to know more about Philip and his friend who came to save him with the horses in all the haleluah glory.
Umm... It did remind me alot of KOTR but in its own unigue way. Tell more about the battle going on all around an dthat would make it seem like the troll stood out even more. You should also describe the tone of the troll's voice, it sounded rough and deep to me but when I read it again I couldn't help thinking of it as high pitched and squeky. But thats really my fualt, not yours. I'm wierd like that.
I'd like to read more.

~Pol

I thank you both profusely (can't get out of old English can I)

Haha, old English is awesome.

Anyway, great job editing it. It looks much better already. The ending was loads better, and you nixed all those silly adverbs.