Color My World- 1

*rated R for language* (one mention of F word = R )

Hey JCobsesed!

I loved your voice in this piece; it was very unique and biting. I usually don't like this genre of fiction, but this was an exception. Your voice made it all worthwhile. It seems that others have line-by-lined this already, so I'm not going to reiterate them, but I will give a few general comments...

Again, your main character was very interesting - developed well. But while she was great, I didn't get much of a feel for her mother and father. Yes, I know we don't know them very well and this is only the beginning of your story, but I would like to urge you to pay attention to her parents. One pitfall I see in a lot of stories in this genre is completel neglect of character development of minor characters or characters the speaker does not like, so watch out for it.

Right now the piece seems a bit cliche - the usual teenage drama with a breakup and moving. I trust that you will shake this first impression as you keep writing and veer away from the cliche and into the original, but I just want to warn you about it.

Most of your dialogue was well done, but there were some parts that were confusing or just didn't sound right. Reading your dialogue aloud should help with this. Your dialogue should produce clarity of its own; don't rely on narrative to pull you through. Some examples...

"When have you started cussing, and getting angry, and hating
us?" My mom asked.

I don't know your characters as well as you do, obviously, but this seemed unnatural. Cluttered, if you will. Her mom sounds whiny and weak in this dialogue, and I didn't get that impression from her other actions.

"This is what's best for the family, and you're just screwing
everything up out of greed! You think you'd be more grateful about
everything me and your mom do for you, but no! We try to do something
good for us and all you do is bitch about it!"

Well, her father certainly has a temper! However, he seems awfully long-winded in this and almost too articulate. If he's bursting with anger, then I would expect his words to be less proper and more angry, if you know what I mean.

In all, a wonderful beginning. You have sucked me into a story of genre that I usually hate, so congratulations! Nice job and keep on writing. I'll be sure to come back when the next part is up. PM me if you have any questions.

I hope there's some more origionality to this part. I'm taking it out of the norm now. =D I hope you like it!

-JC
__________________________

I woke up while it was still dark. A glance at my half open blinds provided a
view of the stars and the sliver memory of a moon. Four twenty-seven
glowed red from my plain white alarm clock. I rolled back onto my stomach,
pressing my face into the pillows, willing my eyes to stay shut. Restlessness
took over and I finally got up, only to realize that I had way too much time
on my hands. All of my homework was already done, my room was
spotless, drumset already dusted. I’d never had that much time when Josh
was around. Josh. Bastard.

I picked my iPod up from it’s undignified spot on the floor and
rolled up the headphones. After setting it gently on the bed I collected my
things, took a shower, and even ate a real breakfast. All of that and it was
still barely past six. My parents wouldn’t be awake for another half an hour.

The damp morning air was cold compared to how the rest of the
day would be. Hot and sticky. The stupid promise of summer and good
things to come. Change and revelations, relationships and friends. Ah, how
I hated summer.

I drove myself to the school, nobody was ever there at six
thirty, not even the security guards who opened the gates. I parked and
slipped through the fence.

“Morning ‘Sette,” Nathan, the janitor said. I waved at him. Since
my first day as a friendless freshman, Nathan had always been there. He
taught me how to play hakie-sack, what the importance of x is, and even
how to drum. He was the reason I was on drumline. Never once had he ever
come close to stepping out of the bounds of friendship. He was an all
around good guy.

“Hey Nate,” I said.

“You’re here early,” he observed, picking up a piece of leftover
trash.

“I figured I’d mix it up a bit.”

“Couldn’t sleep?” Nathan guessed.

“Nope,” I said. A nervous giggle escaped my throat.

“Why not?” Nathan sat down in one of the school golf carts that
security guards and janitors got to ride around in. He patted the seat next
to him. I had already sat there so many times, but today, I just wasn’t up
for it. I wasn’t willing to admit that it could be the last time I ever sat on
that cracked, sun-burnt leather.

“Are you okay?” Nathan gazed at me from under his twenty-
eight year old dark brown hair. If he weren’t the school janitor and eleven
years older than me, I would have called him attractive. I never looked at
him like that though, I knew what could happen if either of us set a mere
thought over that precarious line.

I shook my head, “I’m moving.”

“Man,” Nathan said in an almost hippie-like voice, “that blows.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“When?”

“Next month.”

Nathan did quick counting on his fingers, “isn’t that finals
week?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“God, seriously. Where are you moving to?”

“Calinta,” I answered.

“Not too bad, I guess,” Nathan said, “it’s better than another
state I guess.”

“I guess,” I agreed.

“Okay, but before you go come find me, I have a present for
you.”

“What is it?” I asked, suppressing a smile.

Nathan smiled hugely, reaching all the way up to his eyes. “Well
you see, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

Wow! her parents should be more concern with her grade in school.

i hope you put up another piece soon.

umm...yeah, pretty much everyone else said what I was thinking. the fact that you said mouth twice, the need to move the rating to R, and the slightly unbelievable characters. But other than that, its still good! I really liked the soda analogy, and how you mentioned it again with the tears. (I hope that made sense...)

Thanks for PMing me!

~Sam

Love part two. can't wait for part three.

Night Mistress- Part three is posted =D

This is very good, the only thing I can think of is that in the end you say "I guess" 3 times, and it just seemed to stick out. This is very good.

Are each of these sections different chapters? If they are, they're a little short, but if they aren't, than they're good.

Can't wait for part 4! Keep up the good work.

This chapter is COMPLETE =D See chapter 2! =D thank you for reading!

-JC

The way you described Jenny was great. It shows the hatred for her in a slightly humorous form.

At first I liked the first part better, but by the end of the second, I was in love with it. The way you so greatly showed how the parents looked down on Cosette was clear, so was the way she wanted her opinion heard but wasn't sure how to handle it.

Congrats on describing almost perfectly what so many teenagers feel.


Andrew.

P.S. Josh sounds like a dick. I like that.