The Beach

Toes tickled with sand
Waves licking my feet
I wade into the water
Seaweed and rocks knee-deep

I sit upon the shore
Seagulls cackling like wild
It's my haven, my beloved place
Since I was a young child

Everything is shushed
Now the sun is slipping down
Hiding behind the horizon
Another day has gone around

As the sun paints
Beautiful hues and streaks in the sky
I gaze up to the heavens
Wondering where my fate lies

It's nice.

Sometimes the rhyming (RHYMING!! YES!!) *ahem*, sometimes the rhyming was a bit forced, like "Seagulls cackling like wild". I know you put it in to make the rhyme, and it's not a bad rhyme, I just think you could make it better.

The first two lines were really nice.

-T

Ah. I just commented on this one on the welcome board. I guess I'll move my comments here and then you might want to delete your other one as there is no point having it twice and it makes more sense to put it here...

I think this poem's quite beautiful it a way. Your imagery was simple but effective and while the rhyme was forced in places, it wasn't too bad. The rhythm is pretty good as well but it seemed a little out on the final stanza...

As the sun paints
Beautiful hues and streaks in the sky
I gaze up to the heavens
Wondering where my fate lies

You have such a long second line and it might work better if you're final line was longer too. Also, that would fix the rhyme because you could just change it to 'Wondering where my fate may lie' or something.

It was OK. Agreed, sometimes the forced rhyming made the actually lines kind of senseless.

Certainly, add some punctuation: Poetry & Punctuation.

Also, the poem worked with imagery, but only this. What are you telling the reader? What do you want the reader to think? Try to work on that aspect of the poem.

I think Clau's hit the nail on the head. This works well enough as a bit of a vignette--like a pretty photo you've taken. But it doesn't tell a story. You might want to add a little more dimension--turn it into a sculpture, not a photo.

Also, the rhyming was somewhat forced in placed; might want to loosen that up a bit.

Good luck!

Yes, I agree with Claudette. The rhyming was a bit off and didn't really need to be there. Sometimes, ((Learning from my English teacher bare with me XD)) rhyming doesn't need to be necessary in any poem. You just need to use different literary styles, like similes, metaphors, and imagery.
And yes, I believe you could've gone somewhere with this and with some kind of story, but you sort of just ended it. If you would've added a couple more details and maybe one more stanza, it would've been a decent poem.

Good luck on future poems!

Hi I liked the poem but I think that you should fix the things that the people described above. Here was my favorite part:

As the sun paints
Beautiful hues and streaks in the sky
I gaze up to the heavens
Wondering where my fate lies

I loved it when you said 'as the sun paints beautiful hues and streaks in the sky.'

I absolutely loved it well done alright that's all that I have to say! bye

Ok, I was going to say what everyone else said about the forced rhyming, yadda, yadda, yadda. I really liked the imagery that you described. Over all, it was a great poem for the summer.

--Lucky_Duck

It's a pretty image, and if you've tried only to record a beautiful day at the beach, you've done a good job. I think that it could be even better if you added parts descrbing how the beach made you feel. Nostalgic? Small? Determined? You begin to do this in the last line, but, alas, it is the last line, not the first. Consider expanding on this thought.