something

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Power surged through her, a light of darkness, black and bright. She held her breath, waiting for it to collect, to merge, then released it into the object of her intent. A small glass phile.

"Good, very good."

A tall dark man stepped out of the shadows, clapping silently. The girl lowered herself slowly and looked towards her teacher.

"Really Wodkip, you're too readable. I know you're lying. What did I do wrong?"

The man just laughed and went to pick up the phile. His hand slid around it easily, though it glimmered the colour that the girl had shone only moments before. She winced.

"As you already know, Ayeike," Wodkip turned slowly towards her, "I should not be able to touch this. Fire of the kind that you are trying to produce should not be touchable, even by me."

Ayeike bowed her head in shame and muttered;

"I'm sorry sir, I know I should be better, I'll try hard next time."

He was not fooled, "Like Minos you will, and just like that trickster you are very bad at lying."

She lifted her head again and giggled, she loved her teacher, he always found a way to make her smile. He smiled back.

"Alright then, off you go and have fun, we'll work on this later"

She skipped out of the room and raced away towards the dormitories. The corridors were shining with the light of thousands of protective charms and spells against intruders and thieves, but she was accustomed to this shimmer. This acadamy was important to the kingdom and all the students in it were to be treated in the best manner possible. But there were secrets in the schools cavernous depths, some that even the head master had no idea of.

Ayeike headed towards the north end of the school and came to a door statue of a squat and extremely hairy man. The statues head turned towards her and smiled.

"Well, well, well. What's got you in such a rush dear young 'Yeike eh?" the stutue's voice was rusty, metallic, "Not doing anything suspicious are you?"

Ayeike ignored his comments and spoke quickly, "Minos, trickster."

He sighed, "Straight to business I see, not even a hello for poor old Minos. Oh well, I'd better let you in." He stepped to his right and pushed a small chip in the wall behind him. The piece sank back and kept sinking, dragging the rest of the wall in with it, until it had frormed a small tunnel tall enough for Ayeike to walk through, which she did.

"Make sure you come and talk to me some time. It gets quite lonely out here you know," but the statues voice was drowned out by the sounds of students yelling at each other. Ayeike had stepped into a large open room, warmly decorated, with one wall half taken up by a roaring fire. Young people lounged in comfy sofas and chairs, or sat on the floor playing various games or reading.

One young girl looked up as Ayeike walked in and smiled. She waved her hand, beckoning Ayeike to join them, but Ayeike shook her head. She turned towards a small door that led to a staircase and started to climb. She reached a dark door on her right and knocked, but didn't wait for an answer.

This room was filled with bed-bunks and each was neatly made. Ayeike headed towards one near the end of the room and took out a book from a bag beside it, and lay down relaxed and content.




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Power surged through her, a light of darkness, black and bright.

Interesting description. Try to elaborate on it a bit more, perhaps make a whole separate sentence for it? That will make it more less confusing.

A tall dark man stepped out of the shadows, clapping silently. The girl lowered herself slowly and looked towards her teacher.


First sentence: Clapping silently? I know what you're going for -- a slightly poetic kind of description (same thing as the light of darkness) but you have to give real description as well, otherwise you'll leave your readers saying "what?"
Second sentence: Lowered herself? Into a chair? onto the floor? Clarify that... and you can add some description of the setting too... "The girl lowered herself onto the hard marble floor, cool beneath her thin skirt." ...or whatever the case may be.


"Really Wodkip, you're too readable. I know you're lying. What did I do wrong?"


Lying isn't the right word; it sounds negative to accuse someone of lying. Actually, why don't you just lop off that middle sentence completely?


His hand slid around it easily, though it glimmered the colour that the girl had shone only moments before.


She was shining before? Why didn't you tell me then? :D Again, more clarification.


"I should not be able to touch this. Fire of the kind that you are trying to produce should not be touchable, even by me."


Semi-colon, not period in the middle, and about the second sentence:
"touchable" is an odd word and it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. Try "tangible" or a rewording of the entire sentence. Or, you could combine both of these sentences into one by saying something like "Not even I should be able to touch fire of the kind that you are trying to produce."

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So, it's pretty good! I like it, and would say that it's wonderful, but there isn't really an ending. Is this a prologue? If not, it needs to have a conclusion. This kind of left me thinking... "Well that was interesting, but it doesn't seem complete." So work on that. Maybe have her try the spell again after more study and find that it works? I don't know, it just seemed a little random to me, it would make an excellent prologue, but by it's self it's kind of "eh"

Another thing to think about: Explanations! You need to work on descriptions and explanations. Describe what the school (I assume it's a school --in fact, I pictured it rather like Hogwarts) looks like. Describe Ayeike, (you definitely do have some good names).

So that's it! More coming???
PM me if you've got questions!

Good luck!
~Azila




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Yeah, it seemed a little empty, because there was barely any description.But I liked the beginning sentences. :D Minos reminds me of Peeves from HP, but maybe that's because I'm an avid HP fan.
Anyways, quite good, and I hope to read more! :)
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

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When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.



Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter