arrhythmia

racecar
palindromic proportions
repelling at 200bpm
my existence

painchestpainhelpimdrowning

coughcough
breathing, crashing,
sliding, racing
to the e.r. before

it's too late

stop sign
slow it down, folks
it's no big deal
it's just another
episode

yellow, red
over and done
relief, frustration
open chest, open eyes
it can't be helped,
honey,

it's just another
episode

Hey, that was really interesting, it describes so much in such little context. I still don't know what racecar has to do with it, oh well, i'm sure you had a resonable purpose for it in the poem. It was great though.

--Lucky Duck

ok...what?

I think the only problem is one that I can't fix, Sami love.

I know what you're talking about, and that makes all the difference for this poem. Sure, I could read more into it then I have to, but something just isn't ringing true for me, first stanza especially. I can't even pronounce that word you used in the second stanza, let alone know what it means. After that, it improves vastly. Then it makes much more sense, and I can see the point you were trying to make much more clearly. The enjambment does help quite a bit with the choppy feel you're going for, but i think it's too much. Since I know what you're talking about, here, lemme say this: it comes in waves, does it not? Not all choppy and at once. Thus, the constant enjambming of lines gives off the wrong feel. It happens, then it slows in intensity, yes? Then it speeds up, then stops. Yes? Or at least that's the impression you've given me in the past. So! Go give it that feel, and take a long hard look at that first stanza, and take a good long look at this. Can someone who doesn't know anything about the subject still get something out of the poem?

Ok, I think that's all from me for now. It works well when the audience knows your subject, but I don't think everyone will understand. But it's like another poem I love (M's left vs. right). Not everyone will "get it." So, I don't think everyone will, but in the end, it's still your poem, and what you want to do with it is entirely up to you.

o0 Um. Well, the style's not bad. Not really anything I'd call truly poetic, but it's certainly evocative, and given the subject matter, probably quite fitting. The spacelessjuxtapositionofwords is kind of an iffy thing--you really have to be careful with it. Especially as it makes it difficult to understand, and slows the reader down, since he or she has to decipher what on Earth you're talking about. Personally, in my own poetry, if I want to express that breathless sort of feeling, I just remove all punctuation from the line. No pauses between the words in the reader's mind, but it's still comprehensible to the reader's eye--see?

The only problem with doing that in this poem is that you have, well, almost no punctuation. At all. Which is something of a no-no. I know it seems perverse, since punctuation's traditionally been viewed as a more prose-oriented thing, but it really is essential in poetry as well; it tells the reader when to pause at the end of a line, and dictates the intensity with which the poem should be read. Therefore, as it has no punctuation, your poem just keeps accelerating, adding more and more impetus--and the ending is disappointingly anticlimactic.

Don't get me wrong--I actually like the ending. But with the way you've written it, it just doesn't work. If you insert some punctuation--even a barebones minimum, just enough to instruct the reader's inner voice--I think it would carry off much better.

And the first stanza in its own right left me kind of cold. I understand you're using it to set up the whole car analogy--but... meh. Other than that, it was relatively pointless, and having a minimum of functionality in poetry is badbadbad.

I do however LOVE the colloquial feel of "slow it down, folks." It just adds so much to the piece, and I think that's where your poetic voice really starts to shine through. Maybe focus less on trying to be abstract? It seems like that's what your main goal is in the first stanza, and it doesn't work as well as the rest of the poem.

Overall--quite enjoyable. ^^

Thanks, guys. (wewinwelose, your critique was unacceptable -- please expand in the future. )

Bek... I actually wrote this while having an episode. XD No, it doesn't speed up and slow down and speed up again. It starts suddenly, races for minutes to hours, then suddenly stops, slowing waaaay down to normal.

Fand -- Thanks a lot for your critique. I'm thinking about going back and adding punctuation to the last part (after "too late") so it gives a slower feel. I don't like the first stanza at all, but it usually takes me a stanza or two to really get into the piece. I might just take it out altogether. I'll play with the second stanza (if that line can be considered its own stanza!) and see if I can make it work as a suitable beginning.

This is one I think I want to work with, play around with, so thanks to you both for giving me good ideas on where to start.

Lucky_Duck, glad you liked it.

I like the pace here. The second- and third- to last stanzas were well done. I think you did a lovely job. And that is why this critique is so short; I don't think there's anything else to fix.