My Poetry

Okay so these were written about four years ago and are the best out of my entire notebook...that's saying something. I was never too good at poetry, though.

Storm
Dark, Cold, Dreary,
A swift, meloncholy moan,
The sky starts to cry,
here the darkness roams.

[edit]
Poem removed because well, it was more of a sentence, hahahahaha.
I think I'll be updating this a little bit more. Mmmm.

The first one was great. It reads like an opening stanza so why not expand it. "Swift" and "moan" don't quite correspond but apart from that it really was good. Don't put yourself down.

The second one was not exactly poetry. As for the meaning entailed within - imaginary concept? Through your logic all theory should be abandoned because it makes the assumption that the universe is consistent, which it probably isn't. I may have beaten my face into the wrong end of a large log here but oh well.

Keep writing poetry.

ok that last one is sort of stupid and made no sense but the first one is a good idea just make it like 5 times longer and you'll be good

Dark, Cold, Dreary,
A swift, meloncholy moan,
The sky starts to cry,
here the darkness roams.

Is there a reason for all capitalized words in the first line? If there is, keep it; if not, scrap it. "Melancholy," not meloncholy. And if you've capitalized the beginnings of every line before, you should also capitalize the beginning of the last.

The second isn't a poem--it's an observation with line breaks.

I agree with the others that you should work on the first. While the second is interesting, it's more of a riddle or something than a poem. As for the first, add another two stanzas or so and see how it goes.

I loved the first one; the imagery was deliciously dramatic and the flow worked well with both the small amount and the imagery. Good work.

I'm not sure about the second, it just seems too.. strained?

So I haven't posted anything in like, months. I have three poems, and they're a lot longer than my previous ones because, well, I'm like that. So here's three poems w/ some personal commentary.

If You’re Not A Trumpet Player
[pre]If you’re not a trumpet player,
You don’t know arrogance.
You’ve never greeted someone with,
“Hi, I’m better than you.”

If you’re not a trumpet player,
You don’t know headaches.
You haven’t reached the highest note you’ve ever played,
And felt the blood rush to your nose.

If you’re not a trumpet player,
You don’t know nervous.
You don’t know the feeling of the band staring at you,
Waiting for you to hit a sour note and choke,
While the other trumpets crack up.

If you’re not a trumpet player,
You don’t know thirsty.
You’ve never held high notes for half a song,
And felt the burning all the way down your throat.
With a mouth so dry,
You can’t even speak.

If you’re not a trumpet player,
You really don’t know immature.
It’s a requirement.

If you’re not a trumpet player,
You don’t know loud.
You’ve never played three F’s
On a part that’s marked MP.

If you’re not a trumpet player,
You know how to count to four,
And all of it’s multiples, too.

If you are a trumpet player,
You don’t know what a key signature is.

If you're not a trumpet player,
you don't know what life is.
Its reaching higher than you think you can,
and cheering when you make it.
[/pre]

So this was actually a school assignment that i thought turned out pretty awesomely. I really like playing in band so...yeah, it's got some of my personality in it. Neexxxxxttttttt....

If I Could Be Anyone
Written for Chelsie
[pre]If I could be anyone,
I’d be someone strong.
I’d carry my weight,
and help others along.

If I could be anyone,
I’d be someone smart.
I’d have answers to everything,
Even my own heart.

If I could be anyone,
I’d be someone sincere.
Someone people would know,
Would always be near.

If I could be anyone,
I’d be someone brave.
I’d conquer my fears,
and my friends I would save.

If I could be anyone,
I’d be someone on time.
I’d be always prepared,
And willing to shine.

If I could be anyone,
I would be me.
I’m not strong, brave, or sincere,
You’d have to agree.

But if I were me,
Well then, I’d have you.
You’re always strong,
And sincere for me too.
You make me responsible
Help me conquer my fears
And as long as I’m me,
Then you’re always here.

If you could be anyone,
who would you be?
Would you be someone like you,
To save someone like me?
[/pre]

This was written as a surprise for my friend because she was having a rather annoying month or so and I figured she'd feel a lot better if she just got over some of the stuff she's dealing with. So me and a group got together and planned a three part surprise. This was part C and by far the favorite of my peoms I've ever written.

Edit: Oh yeah, critique to your liking, but the last one stays as is.

Haha, well, it seems you've got the trumpeter's personality down to a T. The repetition bugged me though, and I think you could do away completely with at least the first two lines of every stanza. At the moment, I like it more for its cuteness than for its poetic value, and while that's fine to a point, it doesn't ultimately mean too much.

In the second poem, again, I think that the repetition is more hindering than helpful; get rid of it, see everything together, and choose your words more carefully so that they fit, not just so that they rhyme. I'm not a fan of most of this poem, but I do like the last stanza very much. Again, however, I think that the rhyme confuses it: "would you be someone like you" could be cleaned up a tad, though maybe it's actually the very last line that needs help: "to save someone like me" That line seems odd because it's essentially asking 'would you be yourself to save me?' which is generally a bit confusing in itself. Why do I like these last two stanzas the best? Because there's something to think about. Look closely at the differences between these two parts of the poem, and ask yourself which part you like better: the part with the blatant ideas, or the part that has included a more human element? Lovely ideas by the end, it's just too bad they took so long to get to.

Thanks for the critique. On the first one:

I had no idea what to write for the poem so I stuck to the format that the example came in. I'm not a big fan of repetition so I don't know what happened in that one, haha. As for "poetic value" it was a class assignment and I was going more for humor than for actual meaning. It ended a stanza early but a friend in my theory class thought the ending could use more, so I added another stanza (which I just realized I forgot to tack onto the end...edited.).

On the second one:

Yeah...repetition. The poem actually didn't rhyme to begin with until the second to last stanza, and I don't usually rhyme, seeing as how I'm not good at it. I know that it gets in the way of rhythm, but I didn't want to go too deep because the person I wrote it for isn't big on reading, and so I made it to match her personality. I dunno. To explain the last line:

Chels is a very close friend of mine and I tend to put myself down a lot but she says she likes me the way I am so, in the beginning I thought that it'd be nice to be someone like her. Expect that then instead of HAVING her for my friend I'd actually BE like her which would defeat the purpose. (Does that make any sense!?) So then I thought well I like being me because it means I get to spend time with her and if Chelsie were any different then I probably wouldn't hang around her as much. So if I'm myself and she's herself, I get to spend time with her? That's what I was going for, but it gets a bit muddled.

Edit: you have a point though, I could have cut out a stanza to cut down on the rambling, haha.