Impasse (Edited)

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My breath fogs up the window, shape of a moth-wing, with
artificial lights interrupting my brief spiral of unrepentant joy.

This is the Autobahn, heavily trafficked by extraneous
ideas that never cease rushing onward.

Much stimuli can be found here, sandpaper
beneath curious fingertips, lemons sour on seeking tongue.

The city we frequent is soon to be industrialized, the
holes they are digging lines for electric lights

that will drown out everything familiar to us
beneath a cruel, fluorescent glow.

Your pliable atoms, once spread apart and easily accessed,
have been rearranged to deny me.

Your completeness has been responsible for
my emptiness, and I am no longer sure of our happiness.

Using abstract ideas as a last, desperate attempt
to paint a picture of this plight, I implore you

to escape this place with me, where natural light
will again give wing to our nighttime voyages.

But even a soliloquy penned by Shakespeare could not
undo this. The truth, I realize, is that we have reached an impasse.~~

Moth wing-shaped breath fogs up the window
obscuring artificial lights; the
hum of whirring wings drowns out the sound
of gravel beneath spinning tires.

This is the Autobahn, heavily trafficked
by ever-fleeing stimuli. Through the static we hear that
this city is facing industrialization,
electric lights appearing that
drown out all familiarity in the cold
fluorescent glow of the unknown.

Atoms once pliable to these fingertips
have been rearranged to deny me.
Your entirety leaves me hollow
as I burn in the acidic glow of artificial hope.

Abstract ideas reminiscent of Picasso
fail to capture this plight.
Moth wing shaped breath fogs up the window,
obscuring the artificial lights.
Even a Shakespearian soliloquy can’t undo this.
My love, I believe we’re at an impasse.
Last edited by biancarayne on Fri Jun 29, 2007 8:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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hmm...i know i can do something more to make this better




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Just a quick note: you really shouldn't be replying to your own poems before someone else--or "bumping" them. It's very, very bad etiquette.

The imagery's nice, but rather disconnected. To be honest, I'm not sure what the actual point you were trying to make was.
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)




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[quote="Fand"]Just a quick note: you really shouldn't be replying to your own poems before someone else--or "bumping" them. It's very, very bad etiquette.

The imagery's nice, but rather disconnected. To be honest, I'm not sure what the actual point you were trying to make was.[/quote

i know, i know i felt guilty for doing that but no one was commenting...i know i need to learn patience...i just don't have the time for it right now :lol:




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Some of the imagery in this piece is interesting but it needs to be stronger and you have so many lines that don't really add to the meaning of your poem. The ending is nice but not the most impressive or unique and I think it's more poetic prose than poetry which isn't really my style. Sorry I wasn't too helpful but this just isn't my kind of poem and I found it a bit boring...
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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If you don't have patience for waiting, try PMing writers you respect to request critiques, or putting a link in your signature. ;) No bumping! *Slaps bianca's wrist.*
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)



Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath