thinking about hello goodbye

you walked into my life like a child's dream.
with darkness shadowing your face;
but the morning light hid in your eyes.
mysterious and enticing.
sweet angelic face.

the static between you and I
(or at least, with me)
grew
and grew
and kept growing with each passing moment
of our short estranged glances.

but then
I saw you.
and fear overwhelmed me
like the sight of a swelling wave,
that feeling of a ticking time bomb filled my chest.
ah...time, the one thing we had left to lose.

and then
I saw you.
really saw you.
and all misconceptions and explanations
floated above our heads
as your lips touched my shoulder blade.
oh that sweet angelic face.

your lips, our lips,
bittersweet misery.
the moments pass by as the clock flows
you move away, leaving an unquenchable
burning in my soul.
I stand there with utter stillness
and see the door sway back and forth
as blurs of the oblivious drift by
all in silence.
what silence. such pain.

pain I would gladly welcome once more
just for a dream of you and me,
of us.
of that sweet angelic face.
________________________________________
okay guys, this is one of my more personal poems & it really digs deep for me so please feel free to tell me what you think (i added a little more punctuations then i would have liked, i think it needed it so let's see if it makes it a little easier to read =) ...does it make sense?, is it too much of a cliche?, is my writing just overall bad? be honest and let me know

you walked into my life like a child's dream.
with darkness shadowing your face;
but the morning light hid in your eyes.
mysterious and enticing.
sweet angelic face.

The first line's flow isn't great, and the first 5 words are a rather boring opening; not good if you want to lure in readers. The repetition of 'face' here seems ill-used, perhaps swap one of them with a different word? Otherwise it seems rather bland. No emotionally stirring things, ya know?

the static between you and I
(or at least, with me)
grew
and grew
and kept growing with each passing moment
of our short estranged glances.

Oh! I like the static idea here. I really think you should re-write this stanza completely, incorporating more details on this lovely static idea.

but then
I saw you.
and fear overwhelmed me
like the sight of a swelling wave,
that feeling of a ticking time bomb filled my chest.
ah...time, the one thing we had left to lose.

The last line here sounds like it tries to be more then it is. Maybe you could reword it, I don't know. But otherwise, this stanza didn't really do anything for me.

and then
I saw you.
really saw you.
and all misconceptions and explanations
floated above our heads
as your lips touched my shoulder blade.
oh that sweet angelic face.

at first I thought I was rereading the previous stanza, but nope. I was actually reading a rather boringly repeated couple lines. The shoulder-kissing was more original then expected, though. And your use of misconceptions was nice.

your lips, our lips,
bittersweet misery.
the moments pass by as the clock flows
you move away, leaving an unquenchable
burning in my soul.
I stand there with utter stillness
and see the door sway back and forth
as blurs of the oblivious drift by
all in silence.
what silence. such pain.

Rather then being the emotion heavy climax this was intended to be, I found myself rather detached at this point. Overall this stanza was cliche, and none of your [not-very-original] ideas were presented in a new manner. It made the segment feel old and warmed over; perhaps a fresh version could be better, hm?

pain I would gladly welcome once more
just for a dream of you and me,
of us.
of that sweet angelic face.

Throughout this, I found the repetition of 'sweet angelic face' rather pointless. Try incorporating your repeated lines in a brand new way each stanza; like an entirely new way to interpret it. Also, the pain bit seemed emoish.

Well, read around. you'll pick up some new tricks, and perhaps be inspired.
Happy living, [I hope you didn't take this crit personally]
~Ed

this was pretty good! I think whence made a pretty thorough critique. I liked it there were some parts that could be better but ya it was pretty good.

ML,
oregongirl

Punctuate and capitalize youur poem.

The poem was good but in a repetative kind of way but i enjoued the first line—that's a great opening and a wonderful simile.

I agree with everything Whence said, and ignore Sohini's order to capitalize--that's a personal preference, really. I... have nothing more to say. Whence stole all my comments.