Iriad (part 2)

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1145
Reviews 52
Alya was silent as we flew back to the lookout. I had a smile on my face. When we got there, she sat down and I picked up my bow and quiver and flew off leaving her to glare at my bare back.

I flew down to a small lake in a clearing far from any of the nests. I crouched down by the edge and looked at my reflection. I would have normally been considered very good looking (and I am not being arrogant, my sister reminds me frequently); I have messy black hair which flops over my face adding to my antisocial character, my eyes are emerald green and my skin is tanned. I splashed my face with water and my reflection copied before being obliterated by ripples and water droplets which had escaped from my gloved hands. The leather felt rough against my hands. I put my hands out and wriggled my fingers inside their leather prison.

I knew as well as anyone not to take the gloves off under any circumstances. They were there to stop me from blinding anyone when I used magic. I suppose they were also there to stop any non-magical being from feinting whenever they saw my hands. As I was on my own, I slipped one glove off and revealed the charred black skin beneath it. I turned my palm up to my face and examined the strange mark on my skin. It was a scar in the shape of a feather. I traced the edges of it with my other hand. It was raised up from the rest of the skin which gave it the effect of looking as though it was alive and jumping from my skin.

All other Iriads had to wear gloves and had charred hands, but not as bad as mine and no one else had a scar on their hands. My mother had tried to have it healed when I was small, but not even the strongest Iriads could heal it.

I was now the strongest in the clan, it was even suggested that I was the strongest Iriad in the world. I did not think that this was true, but I had not used my magic on anyone since I left school. I left school just before I built my own nest; I had to leave because I had become too strong even for the head teacher and now I practised on mice and other similar prey rather than other Iriads.

As I was on my own, I decided to practise a little.

I stood up and returned the glove to its hand and flexed my fingers. I flapped my impressive black wings and lifted off the ground while sending a beam of white light down to the lake. The beam hit the lake and sent a jet of water up into the air. I flew into it and hovered in the middle for a second. The water had formed a huge tube and I was hovering in the middle.

I flew back out again and the water dropped back down to the lake. I soared up to a branch and opened my hand, instantly a beam of blue shot towards the branch covering it in a strange shimmering substance. I went closer and ran my hand along the branch pleased to see that it was covered with water.

I had recently learned these tricks with water and so was toying with them.

“Hello?” A small voice piped up from above me. I looked up to see a young girl with light green wings hovering above the clearing.

I smiled, “Hello.” I flew up to her and she looked away nervously.

“I have a message for you.”

I moved my face down to where she was looking and she blushed. “What’s your name?”

“Kalyee, I am Halee’s little sister.” It was my turn to blush now.

“I see, what exactly is the message?”

“Your sister says she has something important to tell you, she is in the ground nest.”

“Thank you.” I said. The girl began to fly off and I flew after her and easily caught up with her so that we were flying side by side. “Are you still at school?”

“Yes.”

I frowned, “You aren’t supposed to come out this far on your own.”

“But I am not alone, you are with me.”

“True, but you flew here on your own.”

She smirked, “Since when have you been such a stickler for the rules?” Then she blushed again realising she had spoken out of turn.

But I didn’t mind, I laughed, “It’s good to see there are still a few Iriads left with a backbone.”

We didn’t speak again, but I could see that she was positively glowing from my complement, since I had become “antisocial” it was something to be proud of if I paid you a complement and she obviously knew this.

I suppose you could say I had become something of a novelty. Like the humans used to keep in museums, a stuffed animal being photographed by tourists.

Humans won’t exist for much longer now. They and their technology are being wiped out by us magical beings when we got fed up of them damaging the world. I guess you could call them an endangered species. I laughed at my own joke and then continued to wonder why my sister suddenly wanted to speak to me.

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

~SishBee~
x
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 820
Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

Alya was silent as we flew back to the lookout. I had a smile on my face. When we got there, she sat down and I picked up my bow and quiver and flew off leaving her to glare at my bare back.

I flew down to a small lake in a clearing far from any of the nests.


‘flew’ repeated three times!

I would have normally been considered very good looking (and I am not being arrogant, my sister reminds me frequently); I have messy black hair which flops over my face adding to my antisocial character, my eyes are emerald green and my skin is tanned.


Not so sure about this but having hair that ‘flops’ over your face doesn’t immediately make you antisocial. I don’t think there is really a look that says ‘antisocial’ unless you actually know a person.

I did not think that this was true, but I had not used my magic on anyone since I left school. I left school just before I built my own nest; I had to leave because I had become too strong even for the head teacher and now I practised on mice and other similar prey rather than other Iriads.


Same three words repeated? *dies* Reading this is a bit unbelievable, I mean he’s that strong? There has to be a flaw somewhere, which I hope will come up much later.

I flew into it and hovered in the middle for a second. The water had formed a huge tube and I was hovering in the middle.


Again, another repetition. Perhaps have the water form a tube and then he hovers inside it?

*

Hello again!

Try to vary your sentences, with the repetitions and nearly every paragraph beginning with ‘I’.

How is it that he didn’t know Kalyee? Being Halee’s sister he would have seen her before, right?

This chapter is more about his powers/what he can do, and so there isn’t anything I can pick out.

Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Good job of showing what he can do, and you give important info without resorting to an info-dump. :D Good egg.

SishBee wrote:I flapped my impressive black wings and lifted off the ground while sending a beam of white light down to the lake.


Say how he sent the light into the water. Did he raise his hand, say something or what?


Sishbee wrote:I suppose they were also there to stop any non-magical being from feinting whenever they saw my hands.


Feinting = fainting. "Feinting" is when you make a pretend movement in order to distract someone.


SishBee wrote:We didn’t speak again, but I could see that she was positively glowing from my complement, since I had become “antisocial” it was something to be proud of if I paid you a complement and she obviously knew this.


Complement = compliment.

Change this comma to a semi-colon, or make this into two sentances.


SishBee wrote:Like the humans used to keep in museums, a stuffed animal being photographed by tourists.


Good picture here, but you've missed a word. Put "who" between "humans" and "used".


SishBee wrote:Humans won’t exist for much longer now. They and their technology are being wiped out by us magical beings when we got fed up of them damaging the world. I guess you could call them an endangered species. I laughed at my own joke and then continued to wonder why my sister suddenly wanted to speak to me.


Very good! I like this idea a lot. Not nastily, but as a plot. :)

This sentance sounds awkward, and you should rewrite it. Perhaps, "We magical beings got fed up with them damaging the world, so we did the obvious. Wipe them and their technology out completely." Or something to that effect. :)

And it's a cliffhanger! Woo!

-Twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 164
:shock: Oh my dear goodness me. I am completely obsesed with this tory now. I honestly don't know what it is. You grip the reader and make them hold on. I like how you finnaly described Fin and how he was flirting with the green-winged girl.

And the feather scar. Hmm... :?

Just remember, and I've been told this about my character, Fin can't be invincible. He has to be bad at something. I know you really want him to be but he can't be superman. I know :cry:

Just kidding though.

Huff Huff. Ok I've reviewed both your stories, now please someone review mine! PArt 2 is out!

Once again, really awsome story.

~Pol
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1145
Reviews 52
Hey!

Thanks for the tips, i will take those on board and see what i can do. In answer to your questions, the reason he didn't know who Kalyee was is because he is quite antisocial and didn't know her as Halee's sister. Magic comes out of his palm, hence the leather gloves, sorry I forgot to mention that! And don't worry, although Fin is strong magically, he is not very socially bright and he is easily fooled. He also has a very large chip on his shoulder, which shall be revealed next time! :D

Thanks again!

~SishBee~
x
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 76
SishBee wrote:I was now the strongest in the clan, it was even suggested that I was the strongest Iriad in the world. I did not think that this was true, but I had not used my magic on anyone since I left school. I left school just before I built my own nest; I had to leave because I had become too strong even for the head teacher and now I practised on mice and other similar prey rather than other Iriads.


You don't need the second 'I left school' just replace the full stop with a comma and it'll sound much better.


SishBee wrote:I stood up and returned the glove to its hand and flexed my fingers. I flapped my impressive black wings and lifted off the ground while sending a beam of white light down to the lake. The beam hit the lake and sent a jet of water up into the air. I flew into it and hovered in the middle for a second. The water had formed a huge tube and I was hovering in the middle.


Replace 'hovering in the middle' with 'floating in the centre', or something along those lines.

SishBee wrote:Humans won’t exist for much longer now. They and their technology are being wiped out by us magical beings when we got fed up of them damaging the world. I guess you could call them an endangered species. I laughed at my own joke and then continued to wonder why my sister suddenly wanted to speak to me.


that just feels so awkward, I think that: 'when we tired of them' sounds a lot better

Apart from that it's excellant, my questions are being answered, but I have to know. Will he meet Halee again?!

~ Shadowun :D
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes... Then who cares? You're a mile away and you've got their shoes.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
Ooh, interesting...considering that the other people covered all i was going to say, i'll continue to part three. After all there's no use repeating, WHAT ARE THEY?
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Just a few general comments this time. I like your description of his hands and the scar and, of course, of your character. I'd like to know a little more about the scenery and the other characters but that's not too vital.

Where plot is concerned, you displayed his powers well and I like the introduction or Kalyee. Perhaps mention a feature that she has in common with her sister though? And maybe Fin feels just a touch of regret at the memory of his old friend. That would add to his character.

Altogether, another pleasant chapter. I think this is developing well.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5577
Reviews 672
Nice to see Iriad can fight ^.^

You showed your main character's features and personality well. And in first person too!
I wrote in first person before and it really pushes you to express from the heart rather than the head. So kudos to you for that. The others had already pointed what I want to say so no point repeating myself again.

I still think this can be an anime. Dunno why you are denying it. Onto the next parts.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered