Rememberance Day

Remembrance Day. (2005)
(11th November 11:11)

A field of wet, red poppies,
All glistening in the sun.
Some women pick as trophies
But it isn’t just for fun.

Here on this month, years ago
And on this day and hour.
Men marched across, to and fro,
So others could gain power.

Friend met foe and foe met friend,
They were both prepared to kill.
Instead both left the field dead,
Silent, stiff and lying still.

Different poppies surrounded
The corpses of those soldiers.
A mangled limb, severed head,
All scattered round the roses.

And now when it’s eleven
That strikes each and every note.
We remember, all aggrieving,
Those who died for naught.

I thought it was great at the beggining but i became weird. Though i loved it! keep it up, hope i was helpful

Huh? back again i see "Do you love it?! I soooo Doooo!

A field of wet, red poppies,
All glistening in the sun.
Some women pick as trophies
But it isn’t just for fun.

It doesn't sound quite right the way it is, though I can't say quite why...I think you need to clarify some way that they're picking the poppies, 'cause it's kind of fragmented and a little confusing the way it is.


Here on this month, years ago

That doesn't sound gramatically correct either, though again I can't quite say why for sure. Maybe during instead of on??

Men marched across, to and fro,

I'm not quite sure why I didn't like this line, but I didn't for some reason...I guess to me it seemed kinda uninteresting...anyone can march to and fro.

Instead both left the field dead,
Silent, stiff and lying still.

If they were dead, I'm not sure how much leaving the field they really did. Also, that seems kinda repetitive to me because of they're dead...they're probably silent and stiff and lying still...though that's just me.

And now when it’s eleven
That strikes each and every note.

This confused me. What strikes the note???

Those who died for nowt

I think you spelled nowt wrong...I'm pretty sure it's naught.


Anyways, though, all in all this was a good write, and it created some very nice imagery and was well-written. I definitely liked it!! Good job

Thank you very much for the comments! I shall make a change or two...

It's got a message, and the rhyme works--but the imagery, will pretty and well-conveyed, isn't anything spectacularly eye-catching. Try using more powerful words to really catch your readers interest. As it is, it's a solid poem--it could be fantastic. Best of luck. ^_^

I liked the style of this, and I loved the first line. Very Plath-esque! I'm not sure about the poppies glistening...I know you must mean the dew...but maybe refer to this directly in some way.

I think "But this isn't just for fun" sounds a little forced. Other options for line ending; begun, done, gun, run, stun, shun, won. Maybe try reforming the line around one of these words, with the intention of making an impact as strong as that of the first line.

The second stanza has a very lyrical feel to it.

I love the first line of the third stanza, but I think I'd omit "they were" from the next line. I'm not sure about rhyming "dead" with "friend." Maybe bend, end, deadend, fend, lend, mend, send, tend, intend. I also don't think "stiff and lying still" is quite right as you're saying the same thing twice, and I don't think it hits quite as hard as it could.

I don't think that the fourth stanza really works. It doesn't flow as well as some other stanzas. I think I'd add "a" before "severed head" to help with the rhythm, and I'd rework the last line, as you're talking about poppies, so I don't really see the relevance...

I like the finality of the final stanza, but "that strikes each and every note" sounds a little odd, and "note" and "naught" don't really rhyme. Maybe try "clock" and then you can rhyme with "flock" or "dock" or something like that. Maybe (brainstorming here...hope you don't mind my experimentation!);

Now that it's eleven
That strikes each and every clock
We all remember, grieving (think this helps the flow)
The fallen of our flock.

That's all I have for now. I'm sure you can come up with better! Anyway, good luck, and I hope this helps.

Thanks Jasmine. Looks like it's time to do a re-write for this one =)

So since that day is tomorrow, let's see... I am not from England, so I never really heard of that Remembrance Day up to now.

Your rhymes are very fun. I loved reading them. Some of them made the poem all the more interesting, while others also had some kind of meaning. They were not forced in any way.

Here are the troubling lines:
"Some women pick as trophies
But it isn’t just for fun."
This sounds too playful. "But it isn't just" is the playful part. Try remaining with the fun, but not the rest of the line.

"So others could gain power."
Very awkward.

"Different poppies surrounded
The corpses of those soldiers. "
Different poppies? Corpses of those soldiers? Surrounded? This is by far the worst part of the poem. Change it immediately!

Overall, I really liked this poem. It had a good rhythm, excellent rhyme, beautiful imagery--but it didn't make me too--well--emotional, or feeling for those people. Make it more dramatic, if you want that kind of reaction.

PM me for questions!

Like the other replies the first half was really innovative and poetic however as it continued it just seemed to drift too far apart losing my interest and didn't quite follow the same style as the first part did. Keep up the good work and I'm sure you will perfect it!

i enjoyed this, i liked how you used poppies, they are the rememberence flower of our fallen. i could visualize the little red flowers growing where the bodies lay.
this is awesome to write a poem for our country and our lost.
thanks for writing this.

kim

Thank you for your comments everyone!

Gadi - You are seriously great. Thank you for the praise and thank you even more for pointing out what doesn't work. I'll do a re-write pretty soon.

EliteHusky - Thank you for the advice and the vote of confidence. I'll see if I can indeed perfect it.

Kim - Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.