Unknown Story Chap. 1

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Unknown Story

~Chapter One~
Khor


Dang! He though viscously. Khoralie could feel a trickle of blood flow from the fresh cut on his left cheek. This training is twice as hard as the new guardians said. He raised the samurai sword held in his right hand. I’m gonna take him down in one flurry of moves that no ones seen. Ever! Khoralie focused all his thoughts in the muscles in his legs. Closing his eyes he rushed toward the instructor who was standing there holding a long knife. The instructor smiled and bent into a defensive stance. I’m going to circle him, then, through the dust I’m going for an aerial attack! Thought Khoralie. The instructor was ready for any attack any student of 14 could throw at him. Khoralie moved so fast the instructor could only see a flash of the silver necklace fastened around his neck. Then even that disappeared.

Khoralie had trouble maintaining to keep his feet on the ground as he circled the instructor with the speed of beating hummingbird’s wings. Khoralie barely caught a glimpse of the instructor’s shocked look. A sandstorm of dust and rubble swirled around the arena were many instructors and guardians now came to watch. Khoralie had worked for seven weeks straight on his new technique to finally take down the stupid instructor who had been bulling him recently.

The dust storm had now picked up enough momentum to lift the Instructor off his feet. The entire arena was now engulfed in a sea of rubble and dust. Khoralie kept his eyes closed as to focus on the bone crushing combo he was about to unleash (and so he wouldn’t get dust in his eyes). He suddenly stopped and jumped above the swirl of rubble. From the view he had of the storm it was fairly easy to find the flailing instructor. Khoralie dove straight into the storm and readied his sword. Khoralie heard the soft swit! Sound that signaled he struck his target. He smiled. But it’s not over yet! Focus! Khoralie thought. He landed roughly. By then the sandstorm had dissipated. The instructor was clambering to his feet. Khoralie rushed toward his opponent. Jab! Slash low! High! Left! Right! Left! Left! Right! High! Right! Jab! Left! High! Jab! Now for the ending! Khoralie kicked the instructor under the chin sending him soaring into the sky. Khoralie pulled the extra knife out from under his jacket. He jumped...

Afterwards Khoralie sheathed his bloody knife, then his samurai sword, Melden. He quietly walked away as Healers rushed towards the bunched up mass known as Instructor Gybridef.


Khor stretched out on the bed in his quarters. Khoralie Hymanshi Dexab Jushinjii was a Guardian in training. The Spark Light Academy taught the next generation to protect the land known as Dyphrobis. A terrible race called the Shades has been trying to overtake Dyphrobis for over 2,000 years. It was the Guardians’ job to protect the land as soldiers. There were also Healers, Casters, Sighters, Inventors and, Shielders. Casters were the most common and often became commoners with shops and businesses. Khor looked around the dimly lit room. He stood up and gazed out the window over his desk. Outside was a beautiful campus, were training Inventors were sketching their surroundings.

On another side of the campus young Guardians in training were marching around the school. Spark Light Academy was a large castle sitting on top of a small island. It was made of pure, white, brick. Extending from the school was a large white brick bridge that leads to the mainland. Khor thought it was more like a prison than a school. He had a schedule, telling him were to go and what to do. Most of his classes were alright. He spent more time in the arena, attempting to hone his fighting skills than go with the other guardians to lunch. He would go on his own time. The Headmaster had called him into his study many times to talk about why he was constantly skipping classes. Khor’s grades weren’t suffering but the Headmaster had said all classes were important. Khor had very few people he talked to. Even when he did open up to other students he usually ended up regretting it later. Whether they made fun of him latter or they simply ignored his feelings. It just seemed no one cared about him.

One particular day Khor decided to skip all of his classes. Instead he wandered around the massive castle. Inside the castle was always brightly lit, except for when the students went to bed. There weren’t many secret passage ways that no one knew about anymore. Instead, in abandoned rooms there would sometimes be a magical portal, set down by the very creators of the school. Portals were basically smooth, rotating, silver orbs about the size of an extremely large basketball. You almost never knew were one would take you even if you’ve gone through that one before. Some were constant, however. Like the one in the abandoned toilet on the 7th floor. It happened to lead to the cooling room on the 18th floor. Once, an unfortunate new student had come across a new portal, when he entered it he ended up in the ocean 10 miles of the coast of the school’s island.

Khor decided that next he would explore the grounds. As he walked he passed several older students training with their teachers. One younger student came up to Khor and gave a respective bow. Students were only supposed to bow to instructors, teachers, or those of incredible power. “Why do you bow to me little one?” asked Khor.

“M-my apologizes. I have m-mistaken you for an Instructor.” Stammered the little girl.
“But I’m not wearing proper Instructor robes.” Replied Khor.

“I-I apologize once again. I’m training to become a Sighter. I sensed great power emanating from you.”

“But-“

“M-my apologies once again sir!” she shrieked as she ran off to join the rest of her group. Odd. Thought Khor. As he continued to wander the grounds Khor helped several students. One was attempting to handle a pole axe far too large for him. Khor taught him how to first handle a spear, it had the same principles and came in a size to better accommodate the student. Khor even helped a student older than him master the shock wave spell.

* * *

“Have you located him yet?” asked Headmaster Jyrool.

“No headmaster.” Replied the Head Combat Instructor “He hasn’t showed up for any of his regular classes.” Continued the combat Instructor “There have been sightings of him in various places throughout the day, but whenever we move to investigate he’s missing.”

“Sigh… Let him have his day.” Replied the Headmaster after a long pause.

“E-excuse me?”

“Every student just needs one day off… Just make sure he doesn’t leave the school.”

“Yes Headmaster!”

“And don’t shout.”

“Yes Headmaster.”“




Now, class. Close your eyes.” Hummed the Sighter Instructor wearing robes of yellow and black. The class did as they were told. “Goooooood. Now, the next step is to feel your surroundings. Be one with the outside energy. Be one with each other. Let the energy flow from your body.” Khor was sitting on a stump with his legs crossed like the other students. This was not technically one of his regular classes but he thought he should give it a try anyway.

“Veeeeeeeryyyyyy goooood. All is one. Your minds are one. Wait, a disturbance-” The second those words left the Instructor’s mouth Khor was already running down a path. “No! Stop! Our strongest link has left the chain of minds!” Cried the Instructor. Khor kept on running, ignoring the Instructor.

It was nearly lunch time when Khor got tired of running and wandering the grounds. He couldn’t believe no Instructors were chasing after him this whole time. Then again there would be Instructors swarming all over the Meal Hall. Khor stopped to think. I’ll have to be really stealthy if I don’t want to get caught. Alright, I’ll go. Khor decided. Getting into the Meal Hall was more difficult than Khor first thought.

There were two Instructors guarding the entrance. Khor hadn’t fully mastered the stealth spell yet but it was his only hope of getting by suspecting Instructors. Khor closed his eyes and focused. “.” Khor muttered. Soon he had a small invisible wall covering him.

He crept very quietly towards the entrance of the Meal Hall. While he was halfway inside the doorway, the spell suddenly disappeared. The Instructors were, very fortunately looking the other way. Khor dashed silently through the doorway and ducked underneath a nearby table. That was close. He thought.

After retrieving lunch and eating it on the grounds Khor continued his day off. He spent most of the time he had left in the Duel Chambers. It was very hard to find someone to battle with him right after lunch. “Hey!” Shouted a deep voice behind Khor. He started to dash out of the Dueling arena when a firm hand grasped the back of his robes. He was lifted easily into the air by, obviously, a much older student. He was so strong he hoisted Khor up until they met face to face. “Hey… How’s it going?” Asked Khor innocently. The older student, a full fledged Guardian, marked by the silver star pinned onto his robes, scowled. “What’re you doing here runt?”

“You know, just forming the biceps.” Khor grinned. He was about a foot and a half off the ground. Khor swallowed nervously.

“Oh really? Well this is the Yi class period. And as far as I’m concerned you ain’t at this level yet. Or you’re just a worthless midget.”

“My mother always did tell me it was my weak point.” Grinned Khor. The upperclassmen scowled, his buddies snickered at this remark. Apparently the larger one holding Khor didn’t approve of this. “Enough outta you runt. I’m gonna teach you some manners.” The upperclassmen tossed Khor into the arena as though he was a rag.

Khor landed hard on his bottom. “Ouch! This kind of behavior must be hereditary.” Exclaimed Khor.

“I said, shut up!” Shouted the other Guardian as he jumped off the balcony where spectators could watch duels.

”That’s funny, I didn’t hear anything. Did you?” Khor asked one of the interested spectators. The students that were training earlier had cleared out of the arena and was now watching from the balconies surrounding the battle pit. Khor grinned again rubbing the back of his head. “Why’re you smiling funny boy? You know I’m not joking. I’m gonna make you hurt.”

“Can’t we all just get along?” Although still joking, Khor sensed pure anger in this guardian’s emotion. This was going to get serious very fast. He stood up. Dang! Bad time to not have Melden on me. I just had to leave her in my quarters. Khor glanced around. There were various weapons scattered around the arena. None of which looked very promising. A chain mace, battle club, halberd, spear, pole axe, long sword, kunai. Ah! Kunai! Khor rushed toward the small metal knives arranged on the rack. The Guardian was faster than Khor anticipated.

One second he was leisurely watching Khor rush for the kunai rack the next he was standing with his arms crossed in front of it. Khor continued to run. He jumped as if he was going to attempt an aerial assault then he suddenly dropped and slid under the Guardian’s legs. Khor barely managed to seize two kunai until he was knocked away from the weapons rack. He landed on his face very ungracefully.

Khor quickly rearranged himself. He dropped into a defensive stance as the Guardian charged with his broad sword. Khor twirled the two kunai, one in each hand. He swiftly hurled one at the attacker.

The Guardian managed to deflect the kunai that was thrown with his long sword but was not expecting an attack from behind one second latter. Khor’s movements flowed together seamlessly; every move he made was not one that was wasted. Khor reined down a flurry of attacks so quickly the Guardian could barely follow Khor’s attacks. The older student jumped high into the air. Khor followed within the second.

Khor unleashed a flurry of attacks so fierce some of the spectators screeched in horror. The older Guardian was losing his parrying defense. In one fluid motion the older Guardian dodged one of Khor’s blows and came crashing down with the hilt of his sword. Khor fell… and landed hard. He lay there, staring at the Guardian fall, jabbing at him. Khor's mind was wandering. He lay there, still. Suddenly as if someone had turned a light on in his mind he rolled over and barley avoided being stabbed in the stomach.


Khor lunged into the sky. The Guardian followed. Khor attacked in a flurry even fiercer than the event before. He finally managed to land a hit in his opponents arm. He cried out in pain. He held his arm as he fell to the ground.

Now’s my chance! Khor’s eye’s widened as he plummeted towards the limp figure on the ground. The kunai knife was mere inches from his opponent’s chest. This is it!

“Stop!”

It was as if some one had grabbed Khor’s ankles as he hovered, motionless with his knife poised inches from the chest of the older Guardian. The student scrambled for the exit. Khor’s eyes watched him go, his body still motionless. Suddenly Khor was sprawled out on the arena’s floor. It was as if the entire arena was holding its breath. Khor turned his head as he tried to discover who had used such a powerful spell.

It was Head Master Jyrool. He was watching from one of the balconies. “Khoralie Jushinji, will you kindly come with me?” Khor’s entire body felt sore as the fatigue of battle finally set in. He wordlessly climbed the stairs to the balconies. Every spectator in the arena was watching Khor silently follow the Head Master out of the Duel Arena.

It was a long walk back to the main tower. Khor felt his blood run hot. He felt ashamed now. He got caught up in the battle. He wasn’t thinking straight. But now as he followed the Head Master he felt he shouldn’t even have engaged the older student. Khor’s mind was swarming with thoughts. Why did he attack me? Why did I fight back? What did I do? Why wasn’t I thinking straight? I’m probably going to be expelled for this!

Khor felt like he had too many questions swimming in his mind. He dared not speak as he thought of the countless things that might happen to him. Dang! I’m so stupid! If I would have walked away, none of this ever would have happened! Dang![i] Before he knew it Khor was sitting in one of the Head Masters chairs. The Head Master was sitting in front of him with his fingers laced and his elbows resting on his desk. They stared at each other for a long moment. Khor staring into those deep green eyes…
Finally Khor broke the gaze.

“Khor… I want to hear what happened in the Duel Arena today.” The Head Master was surprisingly calm. Taken aback, Khor remained silent. The look of surprise must have showed on his face.

“I merely want to hear what happened on your side of the story before I pass judgment.” Khor remained silent for a few more seconds.

“As you probably know” Khor started, “I was skipping class. I thought I would train in the arena. Suddenly an older student threw me into the arena. After joking around a bit I realized he was serious. So I ran for the weapons rack…” Khor told him everything that happened in the arena. How he lost his mind and was about to kill the older student, and how, of course, the Head Master stopped him. “Very well… Now I believe you have some questions for me.” Khor was shocked. He had no idea the Head Master was going to be this understanding.

“Well…” Khor started off slow. “Um… Why did the other Guardian attack me?” The Head Master sighed deeply. “Guardian Defren was bullied as a child. Whether it was his being to slow, his stutter, or that he came from a rich family that robbed many people from their money. He was bullied by people who constantly made jokes, and were better looking, smarter, or stronger. My guess is, today when he saw you, and you made fun of him. It outraged him. It brought back all of his childhood horrors.”

That explained way more than Khor had first thought. “Umm… Why did it feel like my mind was lost in battle? Like I couldn’t control my movements. I did everything on instinct.”

“This often happens in battle. That happens to be the only thing you focus on. The next strike, block, dodge, attack. I no doubt Defren felt the same way. Now, off to dinner.”

“That’s it? No punishment.”

“I understand you were merely acting out of self defense. But, listen to me now. I will not accept this type of behavior once more. If it happens again, I will expel you.”
“Yes Head Master.” Replied Khor as he got up to walk away, head hanging.

When Khor arrived at the Meal Hall the Instructors, guarding the entrance just starred at him silently. The story of Khor being able to defeat a full Guardian had spread around the school faster than any rumor had before it. Khor let his dark black hair hang in his eyes as he attempted to find an open table. As he walked past the other students, the constant buzz of conversation ceased altogether.

Khor found a seat next to some of his own classmates. As he approached he heard them mumbling: “…first he skips all of his classes then totally destroys an upperclassman. Then he doesn’t even get punished!” The moment they saw him coming they all fell silent.

After a few moments they continued their hushed conversations. It hurt. Not having anyone there to comfort you. No one there to ask if you were all right. Not even some one to say hello.

Khor pushed the tray of pork and rice away and put his face on the table. This sucks. “Excuse me.” Khor looked up from the table. A boy about his age with short blonde hair and soft features was standing across the table looking at him. “Yea? Did you come to stare at me too? Or maybe you want to ask if I really did take down a full fledged Guardian. Or maybe you’re going to ask for ether of the empty chairs beside me so you could use them. Oh, wait I know! You’ve come to make fun of me. Well go on! Laugh it up. I’m alone! No friends! No parents! Nothing!!!” Khor suddenly realized he was on his feet, glaring at the boy across the table. Khor felt pure hatred. Not at the boy, but at how alone he was.

“No… Actually, I was just wondering if you were going to finish your milk.” Khor slumped down in his chair and smashed his face back down on the table. “Fine.” Came Khor’s muffled voice.

Khor got changed for bed in his quarters and sat down at his desk. Gazing out the window he watched a small pigeon wander around the grounds, searching for something to eat. Khor figured there had to be more than this. [i]Oh, well. A brand new day of muttering and ridicule tomorrow. Might as well get some sleep.
And Khor slept.
Last edited by Poltergiest on Sat Jun 02, 2007 10:56 pm, edited 4 times in total.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

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Hey Pol. ^_^

It looks as if you've got a tale innately full of action; and a place to put it. Khor certainly looks hyperactively precocious enough to set things on fire. ^_~

But you've got a few patterns or habits that have tripped up the story and narrative.

Repeating and Unnecassary Words...

Khoralie had trouble [s]maintaining to[/s] keeping his feet on the ground as he circled the instructor with the speed of beating hummingbird’s wings.


The dust storm had now picked up enough momentum to lift the Instructor off his feet. The entire arena was now engulfed in a sea of rubble and dust. Khoralie kept his eyes closed so as to focus on the bone crushing combo he was about to unleash (and so he wouldn’t get dust in his eyes). He suddenly stopped and jumped above the swirl of rubble. From the view he had of the storm it was fairly easy to find the flailing instructor



In italics are the things that are extra. They tend to drag the pace; which is a pity, because this an action scene. ^_^ You don't need 'now' at all. 'So' makes the remainder of that sentence clear; without it, it stumbles. Then the bracketed/paranthetical remark about the dust in his eyes slows all down with extraneous detail.

Keen an eye out for that in the rest of it. It keeps coming up. ^_^

Action Cliches?

e landed roughly. By then the sandstorm had dissipated. The instructor was clambering to his feet. Khoralie rushed toward his opponent. Jab! Slash low! High! Left! Right! Left! Left! Right! High! Right! Jab! Left! High! Jab! Now for the ending! Khoralie kicked the instructor under the chin sending him soaring into the sky. Khoralie pulled the extra knife out from under his jacket. He jumped...


I've got an inescapable image of an anime show, blurred background and someone shouting yeeeeee-aaah!

Why is Khor able to knock a man soaring into the sky? Power? Lack of proper gravity in this world?

Then as to detail: Any fight will be more engaging for detail - a certain kind. The 'left! right!' etc. are great punctuation tools; AND they pull things into an abrupt rhythm.

But is Khor actually doing?


Background and Dropping Information Like a Ton of Bricks...:

Khor stretched out on the bed in his quarters. Khoralie Hymanshi Dexab Jushinjii was a Guardian in training. The Spark Light Academy taught the next generation to protect the land known as Dyphrobis. A terrible race called the Shades has been trying to overtake Dyphrobis for over 2,000 years. It was the Guardians’ job to protect the land as soldiers. There were also Healers, Casters, Sighters, Inventors and, Shielders. Casters were the most common and often became commoners with shops and businesses. Khor looked around the dimly lit room. He stood up and gazed out the window over his desk. Outside was a beautiful campus, were training Inventors were sketching their surroundings.


Here! Well, it's good background and puts the action into better light. ^_^

But it's also a huge paragraph declaiming names and histories without any direct connection the immediate story or action.

Try dropping it throughout; in hints; in thoughts. (Further on, you set things up interestingly with the girl who mistakes Khor for an instruction. That is a way of weaving the culture, history, background into what's going. ^_^)

Most of his classes were alright. He spent more time in the arena, attempting to hone his fighting skills than go with the other guardians to lunch. He would go on his own time. The Headmaster had called him into his study many times to talk about why he was constantly skipping classes. Khor’s grades weren’t suffering but the Headmaster had said all classes were important. Khor had very few people he talked to. Even when he did open up to other students he usually ended up regretting it later. Whether they made fun of him latter or they simply ignored his feelings. It just seemed no one cared about him.


Again, this is a lot of information, rather suddenly, very dense and all background. It also brought up the question of 'why?'

Why do they have classes and 'grades'? Do they get marks for good spelling? Or are they merely tested on reflex, form, ability? Do they learn history?

If they do, you know, you could weave background into the narrative by having Khor have to learn it; and it wouldn't be such a block for the reader to drag through in the middle of the story. ^_^

Characters; Mary-Sues; "Chosen-Ones":




“M-my apologies once again sir!” she shrieked as she ran off to join the rest of her group. Odd. Thought Khor. As he continued to wander the grounds Khor helped several students. One was attempting to handle a pole axe far too large for him. Khor taught him how to first handle a spear, it had the same principles and came in a size to better accommodate the student. Khor even helped a student older than him master the shock wave spell.


Khor beats the daylights out of an instructor; he's then mistaken for an instuctor; after which he proceeds to help all the poor, benighted and not quite as brilliant students to do their work? And he completely skips out on classes?

The "Chosen-One" type and all that is perfectly valid; makes a good story too. But don't let Khor be all-powerful. If he can beat anyone with blade or fist, let him be slow at mind games. If he's chosen to fight the powers of evil, let him really be good.

But most of all, make certain he has problems and makes mistakes. No one wants to read about a perfect person.Where's the conflict? One always knows he'll find a way out, because he's the chosen-one, because he's the hero...because...

That all said, I think Khor could an intriquing character. He sounds madly arrogant - or he could be. And he sounds like a reckless sort as well. Show the reader more of his interaction with those around him. If he doesn't have friends, show how the other students shun him. Does he know any of the instructors well?

=--


All right then. That's about it. ^_^ I think you've a set-up here for something, a springboard and plenty of action. Remember though - don't dump thousands of years of history on the reader in a few paragraphs if you drop hints and such about it, into the action. And don't let Khor be invincible. ^_~





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ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

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First of all, Thank You So Much!!!

I've been a wreck waiting for someone to reply to my story. And I know its not the best but thanks alot for the critism. Trust me, this isn't just the begining, well... it is, but I already have ninty some pages written. Gyr just told me not post it al at once. Thanks for pointing out all those mistakes to, (whoops). Thank You!!!

By the way, are you glad Nate turned the font size back down? I am.

~Pol
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Poltergiest wrote:First of all, Thank You So Much!!!

I've been a wreck waiting for someone to reply to my story. And I know its not the best but thanks alot for the critism. Trust me, this isn't just the begining, well... it is, but I already have ninty some pages written. Gyr just told me not post it al at once. Thanks for pointing out all those mistakes to, (whoops). Thank You!!!

By the way, are you glad Nate turned the font size back down? I am.

~Pol



You're welcome, Pol. ^_^ (And Gyr gave a good tip - you wouldn't want to post ninety pages. They would leave commenters in despair of ever reading enough to comment. #_#)

It looks like it could be quite a fun story. I'll wait to see the next installment. ^_^



IMP


(Oy, yes - I'm more than glad Nate turned the font back to normal. !_!)

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Good idea. This is well written, but you have some errors with capitalization and commas. Some of your dialogue could go a bit more smoothly as well, I think.

Poltergeist wrote:Dang! He thought viscously. Khoralie could feel a trickle of blood flow from the fresh cut on his left cheek. This training is twice as hard as the new guardians said. He raised the samurai sword he held in his right hand. I’m gonna take him down in one flurry of moves that no ones seen. Ever! Khoralie focused all his thoughts in the muscles in his legs.


You should say the name first, not just "he". Saying "Khoralie thought" introduces us to him quicker. "He" shouldn't be capitalized, and "though" = "thought".

"Flowing" would sound better than just "flow".

Add something else to this sentance, as it sounds a bit unfinished. Perhaps, "This training is twice as hard as the new guardians said it would be".

Add in "he". You missed it out.

This sounds awkward. Perhaps, "I'm gonna take him down in one set of moves that no one's ever seen before!" or "He's never seen these moves before!" Or whatever you think of. :)

That sounds downright weird. I'm not sure how you could rephrase that. Take it out, or definately rephrase it.


Poltergeist wrote: I’m going to circle him, then, through the dust I’m going for an aerial attack! Thought Khoralie. The instructor was ready for any attack any student of 14 could throw at him.


Take out that comma and put it after "dust".

Small "t" in "thought"

It's better to write numbers rather than put down the numerals. Say "fourteen" instead of "14".


Poltergeist wrote:A sandstorm of dust and rubble swirled around the arena were many instructors and guardians now came to watch. Khoralie had worked for seven weeks straight on his new technique to finally take down the stupid instructor who had been bulling him recently.


Were = where.

Bulling = bullying.


Poltergeist wrote:Khoralie kept his eyes closed as to focus on the bone crushing combo he was about to unleash (and so he wouldn’t get dust in his eyes).


Doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps, "Khoralie kept his eyes closed so to focus the better on the bone crushing combo . . . " or "Khoralie kept his eyes closed so as to focus on the . . . "

This is distracting; I'd take it out completely, as it's not really neccesary.


Poltergeist wrote:Khoralie heard the soft swit! Sound that signaled he struck his target. He smiled. But it’s not over yet! Focus! Khoralie thought.


Small "s" on "sound".

Add in "had" there. "He had struck his target".

You could run all this together. Take out "Khoralie thought" and make it "He smiled. But it's not over yet! Focus!"


Poltergeist wrote:Afterwards Khoralie sheathed his bloody knife, then his samurai sword, Melden. He quietly walked away as Healers rushed towards the bunched up mass known as Instructor Gybridef.


Ew, nasty! But you wouldn't sheath a bloody knife, you'd clean it first. Khoralie could stab it into the ground or something to get rid of the, er, gore on it. And the bit about the sword's name gets in the way a bit.

I really like the way you formed that sentance. It's weird, but I sometimes form these severe attractions to certain sentances, and this is one of them . . . :D Humour the lunatic, please. But wouldn't the Healers and everyone else mind that this student's just severely kicked this instructor's butt? The fight was very violent; wouldn't the authorities have stopped it before it got out of hand, or is this the norm in the school?


Poltergeist wrote:The Spark Light Academy taught the next generation to protect the land known as Dyphrobis. A terrible race called the Shades has been trying to overtake Dyphrobis for over 2,000 years. It was the Guardians’ job to protect the land as soldiers. There were also Healers, Casters, Sighters, Inventors and, Shielders. Casters were the most common and often became commoners with shops and businesses.


This bit could be seen as an info-dump, so beware. Show, not tell, and all that.

Has = had. You're switching tenses.


Poltergeist wrote:It was made of pure, white, brick. Extending from the school was a large white brick bridge that leads to the mainland.


Nix the commas.

Repeating "white brick" so soon doesn't sound that good.


Poltergeist wrote:Even when he did open up to other students he usually ended up regretting it later. Whether they made fun of him latter or they simply ignored his feelings. It just seemed no one cared about him.


Don't repeat "later" so soon, and the second later has too many ts.

These sentances could be run together to make one long one. This might be me forcing my own style upon you, so don't eliminate all short sentances :wink: but change this one into one that says all the info but runs more smoothly. Nice job, though. You're telling, but never mind, it's neccesary background, and you're building up the picture of what Khor's school life is like. :D


Poltergeist wrote:One particular day Khor decided to skip all of his classes.


This is something I have trouble with as well. At first when I read it, I though it was him remembering this day when he skipped classes. Maybe you should add some asterisks between the above paragraph and this one, to make a sense of division.


Poltergeist wrote:“Why do you bow to me little one?” asked Khor.


That sounds too patronising. Khor isn't Yoda, and the kid isn't a Jedi Youngling. :D


Poltergeist wrote:“M-my apologizes. I have m-mistaken you for an Instructor.” Stammered the little girl.


Sounds awkward. Would a little girl really talk like that? Perhaps, "I-I'm sorry. I thought you were an Instructor"

Comma before the closing quote marks, and so "stammered" needs to have a small s.


Poltergeist wrote:But I’m not wearing proper Instructor robes.” Replied Khor.


You could put this better. Perhaps "But I'm just a student"

Comma instead of full stop, and "replied" should have a small r.


Poltergeist wrote:“I-I apologize once again. I’m training to become a Sighter. I sensed great power emanating from you.”


Yahooo! Foreshadowing! Love the foreshadowing. :D

But again, this doesn't sound very accurate. A small girl wouldn't talk like that, wouldn't say "I apologize" "I sensed" and definately not "emanating". You need to make it sound real, and you're making it too formal and archaic.


Poltergeist wrote:“But-

“M-my apologies once again sir!” she shrieked . . .


Your quote marks are the wrong way round. :wink:

Formal again.

First she was stammering, and now she's shrieking? Use another word instead.


Poltergeist wrote:Odd. Thought Khor.


Comma, not full stop, and small t in "thought".


Poltergeist wrote:As he continued to wander the grounds Khor helped several students. One was attempting to handle a pole axe far too large for him. Khor taught him how to first handle a spear, it had the same principles and came in a size to better accommodate the student. Khor even helped a student older than him master the shock wave spell.


Is there nothing that Khor isn't good at? Don't make him perfect, otherwise he'll be a Gary-Stu, and you do *NOT* want that to happen. It's a fate worse than death.


Poltergeist wrote:“No headmaster.” replied the Head Combat Instructor. “He hasn’t showed up for any of his regular classes.” Continued the combat Instructor “There have been sightings of him in various places throughout the day, but whenever we move to investigate he’s missing.”


Comma instead of full stop, and small r on "replied"

Add full stop here.

Take this out as you don't need it.

Now this bit again is too formal. Make your characters talk as if you were saying it. You wouldn't say "investigate" and "sightings" like that. At least I wouldn't in a serious situation. The other bits of dialogue are fine. :D


Poltergeist wrote:Sigh… Let him have his day.” replied the Headmaster after a long pause.


Take this out.

Comma instead of full stop and small r on "replied"

Good! This bit of dialogue - if you take out the "sigh..." - is great!


Poltergeist wrote:"E-excuse me?”

“Every student just needs one day off… Just make sure he doesn’t leave the school.”

“Yes Headmaster!”

“And don’t shout.”


“Yes Headmaster.”



Take out the stutter.

It would sound better as "Every student needs a day off..."

Why's he shouting? He doesn't need to shout.


-----

:D Don't get put off by this. You've got a good idea here and I want to read more. Can you PM me when the next part comes out? Keep writing! I hope this helps.

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Thank you uber much! That was my first time ever writing something for pleasure. Don't worry, I think I get better. I have over ninty pages on this story and I was kinda bad when I started. Oh, and Khor's not perfect at everything, I- Well you'll see. 8)
Lets just say this story takes an interesting turn of events. I'm sorry I keep getting back to people so late but our stupid house rules only give me a few hours on the net. YWS is so adictive! Mabye you could talk to my mom or something. Just kidding (But it might accually be helpful) :wink: . Thanks abunch. Although I have to admit, It might take some time to make all these changes.

Thanks for reviewing n'stuff!!!

~Pol
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Sweet! I'm enjoying this so far; it kind of reminds me of Bleach. It brought to mind Naruto, but only for a second. :P

I won't comb through it because dear Twit has already done that :beams at Twit: I did notice several things, however:

1: You seem to be constantly giving a sort of vague info-dump, especially during the middle paragraphs.

To alleviate this, I suggest you write a prologue explaining a bit about the land and the people- but OH! make sure to keep it in the "realms of the story", if you get my drift.

2: Blocks of text

OK, to get a lot of readers, you need to attain "Text Chi". (JK, no you don't, but bear with me) That is: Paragraph your stories, but scatter it neatly, don't chunk it. If you look at some of the longer stories that have a lot of reviews, I've noticed that they're paragraphed neatly, never scattered too far or chunked. Text Chi. :lol:

3: The Samurai sword

As this is set in another world, it's not a good idea to use a term like "samurai"- it confuses Nick*. Instead, perhaps you could say "curved blade" or something? I don't know. But this "samurai" thing can get weird. :P

I'll be looking for the next chapter :)

PM me if you have any questions,
Sumi

*Nick is me, as the reader. It's easier to refer to myself in third person whilst writing reviews. Odd, neh? Just like me. ;)
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Thanks Ink!

I'll definatly check out that, Text Chi, or whatever. :lol:

Have you heard? Naruto Movie!!! Coming out the 6th! But Nooooooooo!!!
I'll be on a trip then! AAAHHHH!!! :evil:

Please fill me in when I get back. :cry: (sob sob)

Oh yea, its a one day thing so...


~Pol
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Can you post the next installments as seperate posts, and not add them onto the first one? It makes it easier. :D

My head hurts, so I won't nitpick the grammer just now, but here's about the actual story. :)

First of all, nix the itallix! The last part of this is all itallics, and it's distracting.

The main thing that leapt out and bit my nose was that Khor is again doing a Superman impression. He nearly kills this student, he has a witty remark (they were witty actually - your dialogue is heaps better here) to everything the older student says. Nothing wrong with that, but he can't be witty and stronger than a bullet as well. Some might say that someone who's not very fit relies on their tongue to help them, not their muscles, so Khor can't do both in extremes.

And why does the Sight Instructor stretch everything oooooooouuuuuuuuutttttttt so his/her speech is soooooo looooooooooong? And again the hint about Khor being fantastically strong. You've already said that, so don't overdo it.


Pol wrote:Khor closed his eyes and focused. “.” Khor muttered.


What's with the squares?


And about speech and grammer. This is very important, so remember it. You don't have a full stop at the end of a speech if you're gonna add "he/she said" after it. You put a comma, so small letter beginning "s/he". Savvy?

Pol wrote:“Ouch! This kind of behavior must be hereditary.Exclaimed Khor.


That should be: "Ouch! This kind of behaviour must be hereditary," exclaimed Khor.

Ok, then. :)

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That was really good... one question, i didn't quite get the status thing very well, is a guardian higher than an instructor or the other way around...?

Anyway, great story! On to the next part!!!!!!!!

Oh! and thanks for reviewing my story, more to come soon...

~SishBee~
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Here I am at last, Pol, are you happy? ;) *ruffles hair, b/c you're my little bro and I'm alowed* Well, here I come, all geared up and ready to crit, and lo and behold Imp and Twit got here ahead of me! (and trust me, darling, if there's anything they missed it isn't worth mentioning--they hit off everything I was going to say, and also found some good parts I missed!).

Anyway, have fun and be encouraged--you are getting better!
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Nice one! its so action-packed and lllloooonnnngggg. my chapters are only short ones most of the little errors have already been mantioned at least the ones i noticed anyway its getting late here in ireland so that makes me tired blah blah...
so im just going to flop into bed.
goodnight!
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This is a really good start Pol but you should probably update the thread now - make the corrections that people have suggested to you and then it will be easier to find any they have missed.

You have a good character so far but it wouldn't hurt to have a flaw or two in this first chapter. The temper can count as one but another would be nice, just so that he doesn't seem too perfect. Also, a little more physical description of him and the others would be nice and it would make it easier for the reader to visualise what's happening.

You haven't revealed much of your plot yet which is fine seenas you have some good action to draw your reader in and in fact, I'm intrigued to see where this will go.

On the part with the head master, I think he should at least give the boy a minor punishment and make him collect the work that he's missed from his instructors. That will help to add a touch of realism to your story.

Also, you need to work on your character interaction a little and fix those italics. You haven't closed them properly in places so a huge chunk that shouldn't be in italics is.

Other than that, good work and I shall be reading more very soon. Perhaps not tonight but certainly tomorrow.
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Hey. It was a brilliant start, but there were some mistakes. Everyone who critiqued this already pointed them out though. But something was amiss...


Khor felt like he had too many questions swimming in his mind. He dared not speak as he thought of the countless things that might happen to him. Dang! I’m so stupid! If I would have walked away, none of this ever would have happened! Dang![i] Before he knew it Khor was sitting in one of the Head Masters chairs. The Head Master was sitting in front of him with his fingers laced and his elbows resting on his desk. They stared at each other for a long moment. Khor staring into those deep green eyes…
Finally Khor broke the gaze.

“Khor… I want to hear what happened in the Duel Arena today.” The Head Master was surprisingly calm. Taken aback, Khor remained silent. The look of surprise must have showed on his face.

“I merely want to hear what happened on your side of the story before I pass judgment.” Khor remained silent for a few more seconds.

“As you probably know” Khor started, “I was skipping class. I thought I would train in the arena. Suddenly an older student threw me into the arena. After joking around a bit I realized he was serious. So I ran for the weapons rack…” Khor told him everything that happened in the arena. How he lost his mind and was about to kill the older student, and how, of course, the Head Master stopped him. “Very well… Now I believe you have some questions for me.” Khor was shocked. He had no idea the Head Master was going to be this understanding.

“Well…” Khor started off slow. “Um… Why did the other Guardian attack me?” The Head Master sighed deeply. “Guardian Defren was bullied as a child. Whether it was his being to slow, his stutter, or that he came from a rich family that robbed many people from their money. He was bullied by people who constantly made jokes, and were better looking, smarter, or stronger. My guess is, today when he saw you, and you made fun of him. It outraged him. It brought back all of his childhood horrors.”

That explained way more than Khor had first thought. “Umm… Why did it feel like my mind was lost in battle? Like I couldn’t control my movements. I did everything on instinct.”

“This often happens in battle. That happens to be the only thing you focus on. The next strike, block, dodge, attack. I no doubt Defren felt the same way. Now, off to dinner.”

“That’s it? No punishment.”

“I understand you were merely acting out of self defense. But, listen to me now. I will not accept this type of behavior once more. If it happens again, I will expel you.”
“Yes Head Master.” Replied Khor as he got up to walk away, head hanging.

When Khor arrived at the Meal Hall the Instructors, guarding the entrance just starred at him silently. The story of Khor being able to defeat a full Guardian had spread around the school faster than any rumor had before it. Khor let his dark black hair hang in his eyes as he attempted to find an open table. As he walked past the other students, the constant buzz of conversation ceased altogether.

Khor found a seat next to some of his own classmates. As he approached he heard them mumbling: “…first he skips all of his classes then totally destroys an upperclassman. Then he doesn’t even get punished!” The moment they saw him coming they all fell silent.

After a few moments they continued their hushed conversations. It hurt. Not having anyone there to comfort you. No one there to ask if you were all right. Not even some one to say hello.

Khor pushed the tray of pork and rice away and put his face on the table. This sucks. “Excuse me.” Khor looked up from the table. A boy about his age with short blonde hair and soft features was standing across the table looking at him. “Yea? Did you come to stare at me too? Or maybe you want to ask if I really did take down a full fledged Guardian. Or maybe you’re going to ask for ether of the empty chairs beside me so you could use them. Oh, wait I know! You’ve come to make fun of me. Well go on! Laugh it up. I’m alone! No friends! No parents! Nothing!!!” Khor suddenly realized he was on his feet, glaring at the boy across the table. Khor felt pure hatred. Not at the boy, but at how alone he was.

“No… Actually, I was just wondering if you were going to finish your milk.” Khor slumped down in his chair and smashed his face back down on the table. “Fine.” Came Khor’s muffled voice.

Khor got changed for bed in his quarters and sat down at his desk. Gazing out the window he watched a small pigeon wander around the grounds, searching for something to eat. Khor figured there had to be more than this. [i]Oh, well. A brand new day of muttering and ridicule tomorrow. Might as well get some sleep.


Why was everything in italics here? :? Otherwise, brilliant beginning!
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: The Samurai sword

As this is set in another world, it's not a good idea to use a term like "samurai"- it confuses Nick*. Instead, perhaps you could say "curved blade" or something? I don't know. But this "samurai" thing can get weird.


A samurai sword's proper name is the katana. If it's a giant two-handed sword capable of chopping men in half then it would be a no-dachi. I doubt the one your character uses is a wakazachi though, that's a short sword.



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