Iriad

The sun was beginning to set, so I put my hands up to shield my eyes from the sharp light. My watch wasn’t over until the sun had completely set. I sighed and shifted my position, the branch I was perched on wasn’t the best and I seriously considered moving branches.

I folded my wings around my shoulders and shivered. It was mid spring and the wind was still cold. I couldn’t believe I had swapped shifts with Airan. So what if he wanted to spend time with Alya? I was almost hitting myself, why should I sit up a tree in the cold while Airan “bonded” with my sister? It was so obvious they were going to partner. I would probably be disgraced, my little sister partnering before me was unthinkable to the others.

I drew my wings closer. I wished I had put on my thick trousers and my winter boots instead of the light summer ones I was wearing.

The harsh wind stung my skin. My wings prevented me from wearing a shirt so they were the only protection from the elements. I folded my arms close and tucked myself up into the shield my wings had created. After checking to see that my bow and quiver were secure on the branch and I decided to warm myself up. Unfolding my wings, I stood up. My balance on the branch was perfect, even though the wind was strong. Pushing lightly off the branch I dived. The wind rushed past me pulling my hair back. As the ground rushed towards me I opened my wings and soared upwards.

I used my bare skin to feel for the air currents and waited for the familiar warmth of my favourite one. The current was called Vargen meaning violent. On even the calmest of days it was still difficult to manoeuvre. That’s why I loved it.

As I soared, I noticed two black dots in the air before me. I was obviously on a faster current than them and soon I could make out the form of Airan and Alya. I levelled my wings to make me even faster and soon caught up with them.

“Alya!” I decided I wasn’t going to acknowledge Airan; I had been stuck up that tree for too long.

“Fin. What are you doing here?” she moved away from Airan. I switched currents so that I was flying next to them.

“Surveying the area. You never know what someone could be getting up to.”

She coloured slightly realising that I knew they had been kissing again.

“Shouldn’t you be taking my shift?” asked Airan, I ignored the comment and continued to look at Alya.

“I need you to come with me back to the lookout.”

“Why should I?” she obviously didn’t want to leave.

“Alya, I am sorry that I have to take you away from your beloved, but there is supposed to be two scouts up there at anytime. Right now there are none!”

She sighed. “Sorry Airan, I had better go with Fin.” They both had a pained expression on their face and I raised one eyebrow with silent amusement. I loved and hated seeing them together. I loved how awkward they both became around me and I hated how the fact that they were together showed up just how unlovable I really was.

It is not as though I haven’t had any admirers, quite the opposite. Barring my own sister, almost every girl has had a thing for me at some point in time. The problem is, I don’t like any of them. I don’t even like my own sister. I love her of course, but I don’t like her. All of the girls are really competitive and the only time they don’t talk is when they are kissing. That is all they do. Talk and kiss, I am not sure if sleeping or eating comes into the equation, but as of yet I haven’t seen any proof that they do. My sister sleeps in another nest and often comes back after I have already settled down for the night.

People call me antisocial, but surely liking to be quiet is not antisocial? And as they are never quiet I have to go somewhere on my own.
I built my own nest when I was seven years old. Now, ten years on, I am still living on my own in my own nest.

I should tell you about Halee. Halee is a girl a bit younger than me; she is pretty with the trademark black hair and green eyes. I liked her, I even fancied her when I was really small, but that had long since passed and now, I just liked her as a friend. We did everything together. We took lookout together, we rode the same currents together, and we were best friends. I loved every moment with her. Then, one day she didn’t turn up to our usual meeting place. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find her, and then I spotted her in a tree with someone. As I flew towards them I saw it was my friend Tarn. They saw caught sight of me and flew over, they were holding hands. She told me she was with Tarn and that she wouldn’t be able to hang out with me any more.

I spent the next few weeks without her and got on just fine. I missed her, but I didn’t pine for her and stalk them or anything. I was sitting on a branch when Halee flew over.

“Fin, I haven’t seen you for weeks! Aren’t you missing me?”

I looked up at her, “Of course I am. Why aren’t you off with Tarn?”

“Why haven’t you come looking for me?”

I shrugged and looked back down at the leather gloves I had been
mending for the fifth time in a month, “You said you were with Tarn and you wouldn’t be able to hang out with me any more.”

“Fin, are you completely stupid?” she asked exasperated.

I looked back up at her and blinked, “No. I just thought you wanted to…”

“No Fin, you didn’t think. I was only with Tarn to make you jealous.”

That completely threw me. Why would she want to make me jealous? She was already best friends with me, what more could she want? “It’s you I want to be with Fin, not Tarn.” She sighed.

I stood up so that I was at her level. “Halee, I am sorry, but you are my friend, I could never like you in that way. You are so special to me, just not like that.”

She turned away, “I hate you Fin.”

“What?” I didn’t understand, why did she hate me for being her friend?

“I said I hate you! I don’t want to be your friend ever again! I hate you Fin, I hate you!” She screamed something else at me and then flew off.

I haven’t spoken to her since. For week or so after that we avoided each other and now if we ever see each other we look away and go straight on.
I haven’t let anyone get close to me since then. I sit on my own and the only person I share currents with is Alya. I haven’t spoken to my parents since I was twelve and I am a complete recluse.

PLEASE READ AND COMMENT. THANK YOU!
~SishBee~
x

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

I sighed and shifted my position, the branch I was perched on wasn’t the best and I seriously considered moving branches.

Could improve this without a few repetitions. Example: I sighed and shifted my position, the branch I perched on wasn’t the best and I seriously considered moving elsewhere.

The current [s]was[/s] called Vargen meaning violent.

No need for ‘was’ there.

I levelled my wings to make me even faster and soon caught up with them.

To me there seems to be a problem with the wording there, maybe something like: go faster, would clear it up? Or your own words.

“Why should I?” she obviously didn’t want to leave.

Your choice but I’d take that out as her answer gives away that she doesn’t want to leave.

I built my own nest when I was seven years old. Now, ten years on, I am still living [s]on my own[/s] in my own nest.

^^^ See quote, flows better without.

They [s]saw[/s] caught sight of me and flew over, they were holding hands.

I think that was a typo.

*

Hello there!

Quite a few ‘was’ and ‘were’ could be taken out, reading this flows better and that’s about it really.

You’ve given Halee characteristics of a certain type of girls that confuse themselves and others, I know someone like that, so well done on that.

Will you be giving an idea to why Fin doesn’t live with his parents? And are they a type of angel or human-angel creatures?

Hope to read more.

Myth

I liked this a lot! What are Fin and the others, I want to know? Are you going to post more of this? Myth's dun the nitpick, so I'll just say that I liked this very much, and could you PM me when the next chapter comes out?

-Twit

Wow, I liked it quite a lot. I can relate to this character pretty well.
Myth has done the grammer so I'll try and look at the layout. It looks a bit like there should be more to this, unless it's being written in a diary style. But then you could be making parts of a chapter as a huge chapter discourages reading. Apart from this niggle, it's pretty good. Can you tell us what race this is by the way, I really want to know!

You were right about this being part of a chapter, so if you want i will post the next part, the chapter was quite long so I cut it in half.
The race is the title, they are Iriads. The next part explains a bit more about the race and gives a few hints as to why he is estranged from his parents but mainly its shame...

Hope you like the next part and thanks for commenting!

~SishBee~
x

This was really good.

I am so intrigued as to your characters(and I am dying to find out who/what they are exactly) and your developement of the protagonist was very strong!

I have a few overall suggestions as I think that most of the grammar mistakes have already been mentioned.

Hard as it is to avoid when writing in first person I think that you should try to vary your sentence structure a bit, most of your phrases (especially at the begining) begin with "I". If you were aiming for that effect then that's fine too, just remeber to keep it up If not then it might be something to watch out for, you may just have to rearrange some of the words so as not to get such a uniform sentence structure.

I hope that was clear... if not just PM me and I'll do my best to help

-Gen

Awsome awsome awsome story! Just a few things...

First, I was really confused at first. In the begining I thought this story was from the perspective of a bird. But as I read on you mentioned wings, then arms. So my intent is that these are humans with really cool wings. Am I right? Am I right?!!!

Whoops. I'm doing that shouting thing again. I'l work on that. Promise.

I like how you tell how Fin fells about his sister being with, that one guy... And also how he realized he doesn't want to take the extra post. He, he. I felt almost the same way when Gyr started dating. Anyway...

I also felt really sad when his best friend started shouting at him. I mean really, why'd you have to do that? But I suppose that did get me wrapped up in the emotions of the charater, and really got me hooked on the whole story.

And now I'm off to review part 2...



~Pol

Great story, I'm looking forward to reading the second part in a second. You made me feel really sad for Fin but curious about everything else, what species are they? Where do they live? and more importantly will he meet Halee again? Answer all of that and I will be a very happy Shadowsun.

~ Shadowsun

Reading the first part of your story

Criticism: Some bits are hard to read. The flow of reading should be nice and shouldn't have to make the reader think and re-read the line to understand, especially with basic lines like:

It was so obvious they were going to partner

Couldn't you have written it like: It was so obvious they were going to be partners.

Sorry, but that just didn't sound right =X

Overall though, there are some interesting things happening and as i read the next couple of chapters, or parts to your story that you have posted, perhaps it'll explain more about why you have wings, what creature/person you are I could guess, but i don't want to spoil it.

Yeah, I think it's great so far. Um...I guess I'll read the rest now.

This was pretty good but you could add some more description and such to improve it. Here's a few specific points first -

I would probably be disgraced, [I'd use a semi colon rather than a comma here.] my little sister partnering before me was unthinkable to the others.

After checking to see that my bow and quiver were secure on the branch, [s]and[/s] I decided to warm myself up.

I was obviously on a faster current than them and soon I could make out the forms of Airan and Alya.

“Shouldn’t you be taking my shift?” asked Airan, [Full stop rather than comma I think.] I ignored the comment and continued to look at Alya.

I loved how awkward they both became around me [s]and[/s] but[color] I hated how the fact that they were together showed [s]up[/s] just how unlovable I really was.

They [s]saw[/s] caught sight of me and flew over, [color=red][A full stop here would be more effective.] they were holding hands.

For a week or so after that we avoided each other and now if we ever see each other we look away and go straight on.

___________________

In general, some of the sentences need a little work but you have a good plot and I like your characters. Nice work so far.

Hi there. I think it's polite that I pay a visit to your work since I haven't seen you before. This piece had very little flaws and so it was hard for me to critque (dang it lol) so I think I should go to the ego stroking.

I liked this. It reads like anime in the head. Quite original and the style you wrote this was effective in making me able to relate myself with the character. This seems to be good. Just asking, are you intending this to be an anime?

Andy

This passage was exquisite, I could see the story in my mind. Wonderful descriptions, but there was one thing that I didn't get. Was he an angel or was he something else? Other than that little detail the chapter was marvelous. Wonderful, really!