The Turquoise Scarab#1 *PUT ON HOLD FOR COMPOSTING*

Yup, they do, Nutty. Thin and humpbacked, but still cows... they're usually white with drooping horns.
Ta everyone for commenting!

I like the second language additions, and especially how you've added a glossary at the end; very helpful. Did you make the language up yourself? Oh, the poem at the beginning does look pretty, but alas, I have no idea what it says.

This part sounded a little bit awkward:

'It's not - it's just - his heart's going far too fast! If he wasn't just lying there, I'd say that he'd been running, or doing something else really strenuous.'

It almost sounded like something a robot might say. First, an example is given, then a definition of the example is given seemingly as an addition to the list, but it doesn't really add to the list. I'd say something like running, or climbing a tree, or scared to death, just because you began by giving an example. (And here I am making something big out of something small, so don't worry too too much about this, just a suggestion )

This was really good and as I've read the edited version I have no problems with the piece. Sometimes your description got a little bit...long, but you always snapped back the attention just in time. Make sure that you don't start to ramble...

This was fantastic personification, something I don't see a lot of on YWS:

The water reached up its cool and deadly arms to me,

The Glossary was helpful but would be better at the beginning of the text rather than the end.

I really enjoyed this and am going to start reading the next few chapters when I have a chance.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxx

ShadowTwit wrote:Ciq menha, oleth renq es-alom
E oleth ix enriq rul burah hov dion.
Druspriah ezan, oleth renq hov danesha
E oleth ix enriq furin irah owriq banat.

"One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them..."
Kidding. I assume this has an important meaning that will be revealed later on.

I really enjoyed your story so far. It's a good start! I will be reading the other parts soon. I like your descriptions. It's an interesting story that held my attention well. There were a few areas, though, where I'm going to be really nit-pickey...

ShadowTwit wrote:my toe stubbed against a hidden rock or pebble.

This is a bit redundant, since a pebble is a rock. I suggest deleting the "or pebble" bit.

ShadowTwit wrote:they followed, regardless of the heat that hung over the camp like a heavy blanket.

The word "regardless" feels wrong here to me. I suggest something like "disregarding".

ShadowTwit wrote:avoiding dogs and goats alike.

Again, the word "alike" feels wrong. I suggest deleting it.

ShadowTwit wrote:my feet were splashing through water; I could smell the mingled scents of date palms and clean water.

You might want do do something about all that "water". Maybe just say "I could smell date palms" or "I could smell the mingled scents of date palms and wet sand." And I suggest you start a new sentence after the first "water."

ShadowTwit wrote:get onto something solid, something that trustworthy and stationary.

I'm not sure if you meant for the "that" to be there the way it is. Technically, I guess it could work the way you have it, but I suggest either taking it out or inserting the word "was" after "that".

...Gosh, Pol is right: those other kids are abusive!
Anyway...

SadowTwit wrote:Rohsair's human, he's just a boy.

I would take out "he's just a boy." Being young doesn't have anything to do with having hollow bones, and it kind of breaks the flow of ideas. Maybe say "humans have solid bones." instead. Or something...

ShadowTwit wrote:I rolled my eyes down, and saw my arm, tightly strapped up in a still-damp leather sling.

This is kind of a strange and awkward way to put it. I suggest "I glanced at my arm and saw it tightly strapped..." or something like that.

One more thing: the glossary is great. You might also want to put pronounciations for your words there. Especially for words that have letters with accent markings (e.g., wachoë), since English doesn't use them and their pronounciation is different in different languages.

Overall, great job! Feel free to take or not take my suggestions as you see fit. I look forward to reading more when I get the chance! (Sorry if this crit was overly-long... Only 'cause I liked it!:wink:)

All the others who critiqued this story got everything, so I'll just say:

This is a great story! Rohsair's voice is realistic, and the pace, style and description are ace!! And as for him having hollow bones and a mega-fast heart rate, that's an amazing twist. Thumbs up for an amazing beginning!

I really liked this. It became very suspenseful when you revealed the part about the hollow bones and the fast heart rate. I like that the characters didn't reveal anything else about their discovery except their concerns. I also like how you hint to the hollow bones being more than just a defect. It tells us that it is something special. This really grabbed my attention. Great job!

That was really good. I agree with Tolkien scattering colons everywhere.

well, i think everyone else caught the mistakes i saw. your voice is beautiful, i feel like the nomads are real people and the language is one i could learn in school. can't wait to find out more about Rohsair! great work!