Within Walking Distance

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(Monologue spoken directly to camera/audience)

Boy, 12 years old sat in a field, rucksack next to him, wearing jeans.

It started out as a walk. That’s all it was, another of my walks. Dad always said, ‘BOY, WHEN YOU START ACTING YOUR AGE, YOU WILL STOP THESE BLOODY WALKS!’ He always calls me Boy, I hate it. I want to shout at him! To tell him that I have a name. But it is no use, I would just be told off. ‘BOY, GET TO YOUR ROOM!’ It always seemed to me that he spoke in capitals. That’s all he ever did, shout.

Pause

I didn’t plan this, any of this. I didn’t think to myself, ‘This is what I am going to do.’ It just, happened. Look at me now, I don’t know where I am, my head is ringing, and I think it is going to rain. I used to like the rain; I used to play in it, when I was small. Then Dad started to lock me out as a punishment. I would be out there for an hour at least. Then Dad would lean out the window and say, ‘BOY, WHAT YOU DOING OUT THERE?’
I would just look at him. I hardly ever said anything to Dad, ‘COME BACK IN, IF YOUR NOT IN ‘ERE IN FIVE MINUTES…’ But I couldn’t get in. The door would still be locked. I was in trouble then.

Pause

My ears are still ringing. I can’t see anyone. No one for miles. No houses either, except for that cowshed over there. Must all be hidden by those trees? I don’t think I have been walking for very long, only a couple of hours. They’ll know I am gone now. I was late home from school once. I can still here Dad now, ‘BOY, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?’ I didn’t answer, I never did, it only made things worse. ‘BOY, I ASKED YOU A QUESTION. NOW ANSWER IT!’ I was only ten minutes late, my teacher had kept me behind for a while to ask where I had got the bruises from. She used that voice which grown-ups use when they are trying to be nice to you but don’t know how. That high pitched, quiet, sighing voice. I should know, I have heard it often enough. I never got the chance to answer him. I woke up in bed, a day later. Mum told me that I had hit my head on the kitchen counter. There was a dull ringing in my ears. I went to the doctors that day on my own. The doctor used that voice again. ‘Do you have any idea how this happened?’ I began to reply, ‘Mum told me…’ she interrupted me. ‘I didn’t ask you what your Mum told you. I want to know what you think happened.’ I thought for a moment. I told her. ‘I was, about to tell Dad that my teacher had kept me behind for a while, when…’ I stopped. The doctor leaned forward slowly. ‘When what Lucien?’ I blinked at her. Who is Lucien? Then I realised she meant Me. Lucien was my name.

Pause

I think I just felt rain.

Pause

There it was again. Perhaps I should go into that cowshed. It looks dry enough.

Go black. Open under a tree. Raining hard.

Stupid farmers. They let the roof fall in and they didn’t bother to fix it. It was Dads dream to own a farm. Then when I brought it up, he suddenly decided he didn’t want one and he never had. ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY BOY? YOU WANT TO LIVE ON A FARM DO YOU?’ I looked down at my shoes. ‘YOU WANT TO LIVE ON A FARM?’ I still didn’t answer him. ‘FINE! YOU GO LIVE ON A FARM. GIVE YOUR MOTHER AND I SOME PEACE. WE NEVER WANTED YOU ANYWAY.’ I looked up. This time I was going to answer. I mumbled something under my breath hoping he wouldn’t notice. ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY BOY? ANSWER ME!’ It was then that I made the biggest mistake of my life. ‘I SAID YOU ARE A HORRIBLE FATHER! I DON’T KNOW WHO WOULD EVER WANT YOU TO BE THEIR DAD! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND YOUR SHOUTING!’ he looked at me stunned. The colour had drained from his face. I thought I had the upper hand. I got cocky. ‘AND I HAVE A NAME. IT’S LUCIEN YOU BASTARD!’

Pause

I woke up on the floor. I had a strange ringing in my ears. It was then that I decided to go for a walk. To clear my head of the ringing. I packed a sandwich, as usual, and I left the house.

Pause

It’s getting dark now. I am not scared though. Why should I be scared?

Pause

Wait, what was that?
Voice: ‘BOY! BOY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU ?’
This is it. He’s coming. I have to hide!

Go Black. Open with Lucian up the tree.

It wasn’t him. It wasn’t anyone. Just my imagination. I am probably going mad. Ha! It’s so dark. I can’t see much. There is an orange glow behind those trees though. That could be my town. Or perhaps it’s my imagination again. I don’t know. I don’t know what is going on. Help! Somebody! What’s the use? No one is going to hear me. Do I want anyone to hear me? I don’t know. My ears are still ringing. I wish it would stop. Everything has gone a bit misty. All blurred. I don’t know why. Why am I here? What is going on? My head hurts.

Pause

I think I am going to be sick…

Pause

Everything is starting to spin…

Pause

What is the ground doing? It keeps spinning, round and round, and round. What am I doing? I can’t remember. I think I should get out of this thing before I fall out. What is it I am in? I can’t remember what it is called. Everything is really blurred, I can’t…. I can’t… Tree… In a tree…

He falls out of the tree, unconscious.
Last edited by SishBee on Wed May 30, 2007 11:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde




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His wording is absolutely brilliant. I love the way that you used words to make him truely seem like an abandoned child. Wow.... wow.

There were a few wording mistakes (Your mother and I some peace- should be Your mother and me) small things like that. Nothing huge.

This seems more like a story and less like a script, though. I dunno.... I think its the monolagues. It might do better to be put in short stories for a while.

Anyway, this really is truely brilliant. Your wording is absolutely amazing. Good job :D
I feel the dire need to go buy tootsie rolls right now, and I can't really explain why.




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*applauds* I like this story, idea and all. The only changes I recommend are a few puctuational and grammatical thing, unless of course some of those mistakes are part of the point you are trying to make. (I do that sometimes but its hard for me to recognize it in the work of others).

Examples:
change "it always semmed to me that spoke in capitals" to "it always seemed to me that he spoke in capitals"

change "I went to the doctors that day. On my own." to one sentence so that it flows more smoothly.

change "SOME PIECE" to "SOME PEACE"

Basically things like that were the only things I think you might need to work on, once again assuming that it is not part of your point (ie showing boy's broken consciousness and dads stupidity). Other than that, ENCORE!




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Great! Like stirly, I spotted spelling mistakes, and you build a Lot of intrigue for the characters. You really conveyed a character to us.

Two things:

1) I didn't get that he didn't know his name was Lucien. Why?

2) When he snaps against his father, I didn't really feel the rage. Make it more powerful! Put some swear words in if you want. Convey that he's finally told this man what he thinks of him.

Other than that, I thought it was great
Stop. Look. Jive!




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Thanks, I i'll go through it again and try to iron out the kinks...

In answer to your question, the reason he forgets his name is for two reasons, firstly he is very slowly losing the plot (you could say) and secondly because he was hit on the head and is probably suffering from concussion.

Thanks again!

~SishBee~
"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde



The grand in the hotel rings with broken tunes; the guests frown; the concierge winces. But the blue-hatted boy is happy and braver than they.
— TheMythMaster