Near the end this totally crashed and turned into an antipoem xD It wasn't even in verse....
Like I said on your other poem, capitalize the pronoun I.
This is a selfish poem too. What does the reader feel? Nothing. Poems that express feelings, but do nothing else, aren't good poems for others to read. They're good to get out your feelings, but that is about it. To make a good poem and get out your feelings, you have to make the reader feel what you feel, and you have to be poetic while doing it. Use good word choice, and structure, and rhyme if you want.
From what I've read of your poetry I highly suggest you take a break from writing, and do a whole lot of poetry reading. Read poems on the forum and the critiques: what did people like? What does it seem to take to make a good poem? What was bad? What can you do to emulate these things?
Buy books on how to write poetry, read articles on YWS and the internet about writing poetry. Anything that can help you.
Best of luck.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
I made a wish today;
I wished my family didn't argue,
That nobody was dead.
I wished there was no fighting
But I have to face the truth.
I don't know why they argue
Or what it is about.
I wonder why they persist
In doing it within my hearing.
I can't ignore their presence
And they are not oblivious to my own.
When all is quiet, they sit and talk.
They talk about what I have seen
But then it starts again.
Verbal or physical abuse,
They're both the same
And so I flee the house to
Aoid the approaching headache.
___________
I know it's rather different that your own and by no means am I saying you should use it. I just think that you need more of a rhythm, some seperate stanzas and to remove a few unecessary phrases. It's a nice little poem but it seems more like a first draft than the finished version.
This really isn't a poem at all. Kitty's suggestions would put it more in a poetic form, but when what you have is nothing more than navel-gazing, what's the point?
Look at it this way: if the poem is all about you, how is the reader supposed to connect to it? They could pity you, or admire you--but they're not feeling anything for themselves. You want your poetry to reach the reader. Otherwise, there's really no reason to be writing it.
Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart. — Andréa Balt
