Perfection

Thanks all for critiquing this, but it is in dire need of being forgotten.


[s]---
Version 2
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When I was young they were everywhere--
Them and their perfect hair,
and their straight A grades,
their perfect imperfections.

Peopling books and starring in sitcoms,
perfect in their lack of effort,
but still working out in
one hundred ninety three pages,
forty two minutes between commercials
an hour and a half in a theater seat.

Then I worked and worked
So that one day I would know
How to flawlessly pin my hair
letting me be summed up too
in ninety minutes, pages, episodes--

I became perfectly picture perfect
Pulling out my perfectly pinned hair
Clutching my perfectly studied grades
Asserting my perfect nonchalance
(moment to moment, one minute to the next)

But I’m left wondering what I’m doing wrong—
Because I’m still only
perfectly like the rest of them.

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Version 1
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When I was young they were everywhere
Them and their perfect hair
and their perfect grades
and their perfect imperfections.

They peopled books and starred in sitcoms,
perfect in their lack of effort,
yet still, all would work out in
one hundred ninety three pages,
forty two minutes between commercials
an hour and a half in a theater seat.

So I worked and worked
So that one day I would know
How to perfectly pin my hair
And it would be flawless
So I would date the boy
Because I was told I should
(And I'm the one who believed it)
So I too would be summed up happy
in ninety minutes, pages, episodes.

I became perfectly picture perfect
With my perfectly pinned hair
(that they don’t see me pulling out)
And my perfect grades
(that they don’t see me struggle for)
My perfect nonchalantness
(from only one minute to the next)

I was supposed to be perfect
(I started out perfectly like them)
But I still don’t know how they do it
I’m still only perfectly like the rest of them.



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Author's Note
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Thanks for reading

a) The word "perfect" and all forms of it: overused, or effective?
b) too plain/stated/obvious in general?
c) Version 2 getting better?
d) too much "telling"/~lack of images?[/s]

First off, I really liked this! To answer your questions - actually, the perfect did bug me after a while, in the 4th stanza the most. I think using it a fair amount could be effective in this poem, but not quite so much. However, to your second question, I don't feel it's too plain overall

My favourite lines were:

'So I would be summed up happy in
Ninety minutes, pages, episodes.'

I don't really have a reason... I just liked it. It worked.

I really liked this poem! The word "perfect" did bother me after awhile I agree with afterthought. but I didn't think that it was too plain at all! Great job!

Not plain at all but perfect is used a bit too much to be effective each time.

They peopled books and starred in sitcoms, perfect
in their lack of effort to everything except perfection
and if they tried hard enough, all would work out in
one hundred ninety three pages,
forty two minutes between commercials
an hour and a half in a theater seat.

This whole stanza is really well done, I suppose it would be an extended metaphor and I think that it is an effective way of portraying and expressing the main purpose of the poem.

So I worked and worked
So that one day I would know
How to perfectly pin my hair
And it would be flawless
So I would date the boy
Because I was told I should
(And I believed it)

That last part, the (And I believed it), that I think is something that you don't really need to express. I think that you get the message across well in the next stanza, with the bracketed lines there. Adding another one makes it a bit too obvious and doesn't leave too much to the reader.

Mmmm towards the end, perfect and all its forms is overdone, especially:

perfectly like them in their perfect imperfections
and, I have become perfectly picture perfect

But yes, otherwise

This is fantastic, definitly not plain or obvious

However the word "perfect" is a little over used, the repetitiveness is really effective... its just that there are a couple of little clusters where the word is used way too much, and because of this it becomes a little tireing. So if you could just make sure to space them out (while still keeping most of them) it would be effective, and it wouldn't seem to repetitive

I love the part:
"and if they tried hard enough, all would work out in
one hundred ninety three pages,
forty two minutes between commercials
an hour and a half in a theater seat. "

Maybe if you could show some of the perfection in the world more directly surrounding your character, you mention grades but it is kind of overwhelmed by the media perfection, I think it would be great if you could focus even more on perfection in school, or just generally in every day life. Or if you were going more for the fame, then maybe the grades part should be cut?

-Gen

Thanks for your comments, everyone! I took out one or two "perfect"s but I'm going to leave the rest in because this kind of perfection should bother you

I really liked this poem

I think the amount of perfects are perfect now... hehe

This poem I can really relate too, I feel the same way with some girls at my school, I want to be like them... but at the same time, I don't...

this is stunningly written. you really could understand the tone of the poem. the second stanza was my favorite. it truly captured the way i feel sometimes about those "perfect" girls in my life. great job and keep up the good work!

That's just the right amount of perfects now!

Hey Amelia,

To begin with, the illustrations of 'perfection' dropped here and there are apt - pinned hair; media illusivity. It is a sort of anti-perfection that, yes, ought to be more than bothering. ^_^

But I think you could get that across rather more neatly, if just as painfully, without 'perfect' repeated to the 'nth power. Show it, as you do (more so, at least) here -

With my [s]perfectly[/s] pinned hair
(that they don’t see me pulling out)
And my [s]perfect[/s] grades
(that they don’t see me struggle for)
My [s]perfect[/s] nonchalantness
(from only one minute to the next)

You'll notice, the meaning remains, even without the 'perfects'?

You're pushing too hard to make something ugly really ugly; and it weakens the work as pushing a point tends to give the reader the impression that it wasn't strong enough to head off upright on its own. ^_^

(Note: "Nonchalantness" ought to be "nonchalance".)

That said, I would run through the thing combing out 'perfects' and strengthening verbs, if need be. (The 'pinned hair' has an excellent sound, in that it implies something held back, bound.) And I'd take apart the final stanza. It's wobbly, to say the least, repetitious without even the strength of demonstrative 'pinned' hair or shiny homogeneity to lighten it. ^_^

Honestly, though, I'd love to see it finished. It could be charming as well as pointed, and you have a pleasant voice in the verse. ^_^



IMP

So I read this poem as if this character were losing their superiority mind set and imagination of perfection and coming into contact with a greater wisdom. As if this character gained a knowledge of their self and was now going beyond that. Don't know if that was the intent, but either way it was good.

Great Poem!!

Its a really good poem. The use of the repetition of perfect is good and its not plain at all i like the line

Asserting my perfect nonchalance

its kind of shows how they try to be so perfect that we dont even notice how hard they'r are trying. Which really show how rediculous perfection is to even try to not look like trying even when you'r trying so hard.