The Something Beneath the Stairs, No. 1

Hullo Sam,

I can't but enjoy your work - something in its lightness strikes juxtoposition against depth of subject and intermingled long sentences. 'Tis invariably inventive.

And this was intriguing, both for its quiet, held-breath understatement and its use of the present tense.

So...


Present Tense:


It works excellently for the understatement. It keeps things on the moment in a way that leaves one grasping for the answer to all the questions - who, and why, and what?

But in doing that, it needs to be unnoticeable in itself, of course, otherwise it drags attention away from questions to the devices used to elicit them. ^_^ It sticks out when the sentence lengths stop varying. Otherwise, it's spare and smooth. (Some subject-verb structure gets caught in a line a few times until it can't get away with being diffident and unnoticed. ^_^)

You're very easy in your use of it. That aside, it tends to stick out like the poor boy's hair (he with the cut heel), because the structure sticks to reporting - subject-verb rather consistently. Even in present tense, you know doubtless, structure and even tense referencing backwards and forwards, may be toyed with.

Sam wrote:The table is perfectly circular. Two of the women sit closer to each other- twin sisters once beautiful. Annabelle is the other figure sitting at the table, a grave girl far too solemn for her age. She spends most of her time reading the Bible like the good girls do, and the rest of it is spent cleaning for the Twins, the Aunts. The Aunts are good to her. They always have been, since the day Annabelle's parents were carried away in the Pox Cart, gray limbs sticking [at? of?]out the sides.

...demonstration above of the keenness of the present tense. ^_^ I'm not certain whether the repetition of shorts and structure before the final sentence punctuate or rag-end it. I suppose it may be a subjective thing.


Adjectives and, er, Adverbs, yes?:

Briefest note: This story is bloody spare. It's stark, nearly. It's quite neat, in a very strict sense despite the wan foreboding and dream-like encounter with the cat-eyed boy while Annabelle watches for a smokestack that isn't meant to exist.

But now and then, an adverb or adjective creeps in the pace skips out, or a sentence hangs it shirttails out.

The Aunts are discussing something quietly in their usual hushed tones, something Annabelle can't make out.

Well, they're discussing something quietly, then also noted as hushed, and it's their usual attitude.

...Perhaps cut 'quietly'? as hushed really is more striking and active; 'usual' might go or stay, depending upon its use after one of the former is struck?

He begins to shrug and turn away, but she quickly tears the scarf from her hair and hands it to him.

Ah, I'm being painfully fastidious. But 'quickly' weakens 'tears', doesn't, it?



Habitual Phrases/Verbiage:

A note on that: You're a few words that just keep coming back. ^_~

Mere/Merely - I've counted that three to five times; can't recall perfectly.


No doubt - Three times?


More Brevity?:


Ha, well, it's such nice spareness; and I think you could make it more so.

He gives her a strange look when she finishes, sleepy-cat eyes distraught and troubled as he notices something over her shoulder. "Thank you," he says, forcing a smile.

For example, above. Some things are irreplaceable in past tense narration.

Some don't fit as well in present tense. I wonder if you run things a little more together, and let them stand without telling, if you wouldn't have an even smoother piece?

He gives her a strange look when she finishes, sleepy-cat eyes distraught and troubled as he notices something over her shoulder. "Thank you," [s]he says,[/s]and his smile is forced. [s] forcing a smile. [/s]

It would, at least, be a change-up of pattern, if you intejected something like the above, now and then. ^_^ Not necassary by any means; for you discernment.

In Closing:

That all said, the impressions I've gotten of the characters are both brief and vivid. I love the young man's incongruous aspect, sleepy cat-eyes and salt-stiff clothes. Anabelle's character is rather bland, so far; but some characters ought to be - and the Psalms contrasted to her interest in 'nonexistent ' island people is intriguing. The Aunts are quite Dickensian. ^_^




IMP

I'm rather sorry that I don't really have the inclination to leave a detailed crit (IMP has captured some beautiful points). But I would like to leave a few comments.

The letter at the beginning was very well done. Sometimes when pieces are started off with correspondence or letters and the such, they are dull. But yours is both believable and very intriguing. Kudos.

I most definitely would keep reading this after just this section (I'm eager to get to part two as I type this ^_^).

Thanks for not cluttering this up with unnecessary description and thank god you didn't linger on some of the more boring aspects of the aunts that Dickens just might do

Cheers. I'm off to two.

Thanks, Imp and Tri!

IMP: Ergh. I love those adverbs a bit too much, I suppose...I'm about to try Fand's removal activity, and I shall see how many of those 'merely's can be removed. They need to leave.

And, hushed is much better.

TRI: A relief, right? Glad you enjoyed it!

I liked it, it was mature writing with a simplistic style which could pull the reader in. Good job Sam.

O M G, look who finally uploaded.



You know the drill.

Ta,
Cal.

*hugs CL*

I do love your paper critiques; they are lovely, indeed...

Especially the last point about the aunts' POV- that was something I would never have thought about, and yet it makes perfect sense. It's a grand point to keep in mind. ^_^

And, as usual, I agree with your grammar points. The all-seeing Cal eye is always right, and with grand suggestions! Teehee, make drafting a bit easier when you've got someone who knows what they're doing at the wheel. ^_~

Anywho...grand points. I've gobbled them all.

The CCF thanks you for your patiance. We have been going through your piece and assuring that we give you the best possible advice.

Sam wrote:It is my pleasure to inform you that the transactions made for the Beach House have been made in full, and the house now belongs to the firm. We will demolish it when we see fit. The surrounding land should be on the property market before June comes round.

A note, Since this is a business Letter, perhaps comes around is a bit out of character. You want to keep it the same tone through the letter and this alters it. Perhaps, Arrives, would be a better choice.

Sam wrote:By the bank's request, I instructed a crew to clear the house of possibly valuable objects[s],[/s]. [s]and[/s] [s]n[/s]Now, waiting for you in humble little Milford, is a [s]the[/s] coat closet in my office containing: a Woman's Armoire, a Pearl Necklace, a Bronze Telescope, five Silver Horseshoes, and an Ornate Key.

Sam wrote:Suddenly feeling full, she asks to be excused, leaving two pieces of wild asparagus and a bit of pork slathered [s]and[/s]in butter behind. The Aunts stare after her as she ascends the stairs into her room.

Sam wrote:To her left, far out on the water, is an island. From her window, she can see there is a smokestack- a chimney that belches out steam every so often, even though the Aunts say it is ridiculous. No one lives there, they say, and give her worried looks, reaching up to feel her forehead with the flat of their hands.

This read a bit rough. Particularly the part in red. The repatition of say disrupts to flow.

POV - It is third person. Not a bad POV but you've written it a bit detached. It is difficult to lose one's self in this story with it in its current sate. A bit more of Annabelle's insides would be nice. You have given us her Christian background nicely but it is still a bit flat.

Your tense choice is challenging. It is indeed the cause of the detatched and unnatural flow of the story. I suggest working on your sentece structuring to help this. You do a very nice job of avoiding turning the story into a list of events, but it causes it to block up. It might help to remove some non essential descriptions. That will allow the reader to go from place to place without the drag of a description that isn't entirley neccesary at the moment.

Annabelle is presented strongly. Even with the small amount of information you have made her easily discernable from the rest of your characters. The Aunts are only stuck out by there name "The Aunts" This worries me as it is combining two characters into one. You may want to make each one more seperate. The boy sticks out as well. More so than Annabelle because he seems to deviat from the character norm of the story. This is a good thing. It helps keep your cast interesting.

We hope this is of Aid to you.