Love and War,

Ok, obviously this is the start of a journey type fantasy (did I guess correctly?), perhaps in a country under a tyranical king? And you have two characters set up that are perhaps going to see a lot more of each?

It's a good start - but could certainly be better. More description would be great. Fantasy is a great genre because there's so much to describe - the world, the settings, the creatures. The people - we have Tristan's thoughts on Rose, but don't know what she looks like. We don't know eithur of their feelings, what inspires them to leave, what pushes them away.

Why are they together? What do they think of each other? These are some of the things that the reader will want to know - you may want to work them into the extract if you rewrite or (and would better) let the reader know it teh next part.

Great start.

-Anthas

I agree with Anthaslunula (did i spell that right? hehe) that this is a good start but you could definatly make it better, a bit more description of the characters would be nice, especially Tristan.

All the best,
Meevs
x

Wow! This was really good, and easy to read and follow.

I can't wait to see where you will take this story, and what kinds of dangers will arrive, for you say:

Tristan adjusted himself on the seat of the bench closer to her, “Why do you want to leave? This town is so small and safe. No elves or faeries, or griffins or dragons not even a nymph. Why should anyone not feel safe here?”

“That is the problem it is too safe here. I know everyone and when someone knew comes along they know everybody by the end of the day. I’d give anything to be able to leave. Perhaps to go to the castle.”

It was phrased really well, and it seems to predict the dangers ahead. I wonder what she will meet?

Rose and Tristan - even from what little we see of them - have depth and are believable. And that's good about fantasy - people can be a little different and still be believable, and I believe you have used it to your advantage.


This was really good, and I can't wait to read more of Rose's adventures.

Hey, author13!

I read this through twice start to finish and here's what struck me: the dialogue is incredibly forced. Dialogue is one of the hardest things to write in fiction because it takes you conciously listening to how you talk, and obviously, as soon as you focus on how you're talking, the way you talk changes.

For learning how to do dialogue, the best thing is to sit and listen to people. No, I'm not telling you to eavesdrop on conversations, but when you're sitting in a room with people, listen to the way they put words together. Notice phrasings and words that they use repeatedly, or never use. Then think about that as you're writing.

Here's a few places where it struck me as being forced:

“Nothing important; just pondering when I’m going to leave,” she stopped fiddling with her hair and looked at him.

The word "pondering" stuck out like a sore thumb.

Tristan adjusted himself on the seat of the bench closer to her, “Why do you want to leave? This town is so small and safe. No elves or faeries, or griffins or dragons not even a nymph. Why should anyone not feel safe here?”

“That is the problem it is too safe here. I know everyone and when someone knew comes along they know everybody by the end of the day. I’d give anything to be able to leave. Perhaps to go to the castle.”

“Why the castle?”

“Well in most of the stories that I’ve read about this sort of thing they go to the castle for some reason or another,” Rose said as she stared at the floor.

“Then what would your reason be for going there?”

“Perhaps I could try to convince the king to stop restricting the living arrangements.”

“What arrangements?”

“The arrangements that keep us in this tiny town.”

“Then you are going to go?”

“Of course I am! Why else would I have thought all this out?”

This whole section feels like he is reading her mind and asking all the questions that she wants him to ask. No conversation runs like that. There is a give and a take as each person tries to follow thier own line of thinking.

Other than that, I have a few questions:

Why does he know her name? Why does she know his name? Why was she braiding her hair and the beginning of this?

I'm curious to see where you go with this. Will there be more?

of course there will be more, not much because i got sidetracked with this one but i am defiently going to go back to it. but i might not post for a long time with it though.

To be blatantly honest, I adore character development. I will love any story, no matter how cliched the storyline, if it has believable, deep characters.

I agree with Duskglimmer; the dialogue is dry and forced, and listening to the way people talk is a great way to figure out how to write it. Another tip: When you're listing to the way people talk, pay special attention to people who are around the same age as your characters, so that they'll sound age-appropriate. A 70-year-old grandmother doesn't talk the same way as a sixteen-year-old!

People also talk differently based on where they come from. Let's take an example form my story (which is on extended hiatus), And This is the Crazy Part:

This sentence is from Jake, a teenager:

“What the fudge happened to my shirt?!”

And this sentence is from Uncle Casper, an uneducated farmer:

“Aw, grammar’s fer ninnycompoopers!”

As you can see, there isn't a one-size-fits-all type of dialogue that fits every character. Dialogue plays a huge factor in how your readers view your characters, and that (in my opinion) is the most important part of a story.