Wings

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Beginning

To say that the outside mirrored my mind would be somewhat close to the truth.

From my window I could see it. The cold empty expanses of a world beyond. It could be empty for all I care, just as it looks. It could be empty and I would never realise it was anything different. And even if it glared as clear as the crystal of my glass necklace, just beyond the horizon, I would miss it as easily as a subtle change.

The black iron ridged gate. The uniform spikes of the fence. They mark the borders of my world.

I used to wonder sometimes, about just what it was actually like out there. If there even was, in fact, anything beyond my home. I would think, let my mind walk out through the gates, like a ghost for they were never open. It could be anything and everything, and I went to each place in my dreams.

I never stayed too long. The home I knew was my whole world; it was normal, mine. I never could ignore it for too long. To say I wasn’t happy would be a lie, at times, and very often, I felt my soul could burst from happiness.

And the other times? I never questioned them. I never knew anything different. So I would often and quickly turn away from my wonderings. So the childlike daydreams dissipated and were ignored. And the vague longing was put away, hidden amongst the folds of my heart, to be opened another time.

There were always more enjoyable, and pleasure filled, things to pursue and so I would smile, laugh, feel joy and happiness.

All that is gone now.

It wisped away on the back of a cold wind and can never return.

Instead of possibilities of the future, waiting for collection in a time far away, the outside now only causes sighs to build in my throat while the bare trees of winter show their souls in replace of mine. They tell of the cold and harsh truth of reality. The desolate and desperate plea for the knowledge, the whisper of hope, that there is, that could be, something more. That thing is spring, here in just a few months, something that for me it is dashed and smothered.

The mist, clichéd as the tears that no longer run down my face, traps this house, covers the ground, encircles the trees and is still. It is almost as if I could reach out, touch it, stir it, set it on a journey that I can never follow.

Let me tell you a story. It may be my story. It may be yours. It may be an unopened message of the past, a brief look into the future. But it is a story. Be kind, not harsh. Think. Don’t just read. Let your mind wonder. Let your heart open and listen to the tale I have to tell.

There was once a girl, and her name was Anatolia.

To say she was an ordinary girl would be unkind; as the heroine and princess of this story she can never be ordinary. None of them ever are. Yet in truth she was different. Different from any other soul in this world and the next. As different as night is to day.

Born in any other place, or time, and with different parents, she may or may not have turned out just the way she did. It was perhaps the isolation, the uniqueness, for want of a better word, of her situation that led to the pure laughing girl that grew into the composed young woman she shows the world.

But could anyone else really have handled her past and turned out in just the same way? I cannot say. And, if she had, perhaps, grown up in the conventional way, with a past so completely different to the one she has now. Would she then have turned heads the same way she does now? Again, I cannot answer this, only wonder perhaps as I share her tale with you.




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This was quite good. An intriguing begining - it hooked me almost immediately and I love your style. I really don't have any qualms about this piece. Usually, in beginnings, it is good to cut to the point and introduce the characters and action and all, but this was written so beautifully that I felt it fit perfectly.

Very nice job. I look forward to reading more of your work. :wink:
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Towards the end this gets a little bit wordy, mainly here:

To say she was an ordinary girl would be unkind; as the heroine and princess of this story she can never be ordinary. None of them ever are. Yet in truth she was different. Different from any other soul in this world and the next. As different as night is to day.

Born in any other place, or time, and with different parents, she may or may not have turned out just the way she did. It was perhaps the isolation, the uniqueness, for want of a better word, of her situation that led to the pure laughing girl that grew into the composed young woman she shows the world.


-- I liked the poetic simplicity of the first few paragraphs of this, a lot. The feel this gets from having a storyteller is very nice, though; it's not trying too hard to be oldfashioned or anything, it just is the way it is (in a well-written way, to boot =] )




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This has a very beautiful mood to it...sort of like wandering thoughts, but with a solid meaning to it. I especially liked the description of the gate, and I love Anatolia as a name.

The paragraph where you're talking about whether it's the narrator's story or not sounds maybe a little too mysterious. But then again, it's the way a storyteller would speak.

I think this works just fine without any real action or explanation. It tells a lot about the narrator's thoughts and emotions, which is nice. Good job!
~*~Twinflower~*~




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i tried to get into this, but the style of writing is kind of choppy, there are some sentences that would fit and flow so much better if you used commas, and semi-colons, etc. for example:

"To say that the outside mirrored my mind would be somewhat close to the truth.

From my window I could see it. The cold empty expanses of a world beyond. It could be empty for all I care, just as it looks. It could be empty and I would never realize it was anything different. And even if it glared as clear as the crystal of my glass necklace, just beyond the horizon, I would miss it as easily as a subtle change.

The black iron ridged gate. The uniform spikes of the fence. They mark the borders of my world. "

try saying it like this:

"To say that the outside mirrored my mind would be somewhat close to the truth.

From my window I could see it, the cold empty expanses of a world beyond. It could be empty for all I care, just as it looks. It could be empty and I would never realize it was anything different. And even if it glared as clear as the crystal of my glass necklace, just beyond the horizon, I would miss it as easily as a subtle change.

The black iron ridged gate, the uniform spikes of the fence; they mark the borders of my world. "

just a subtle change in punctuation could make this so much easier to get into. as is, the choppiness makes the reader feel somewhat dissociated from it. it's hard, and it's not so inviting. the better the flow, the easier to read.
hope you can use my advice!
I'll try and read this again another time..
I'm just swamped with homework!
but think about the punctuation, it really does affect the reader!
--Claire
life is multifaceted: some people see it as hell, some as heaven, and... some just don't give a damn.




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Ugh.

I really really don't like the narrator. She is distracting to the reader. Here we are waiting for the story, but she insists on telling us about herself.

Big deal. What about this:

Let me tell you a story. It may be my story. It may be yours. It may be an unopened message of the past, a brief look into the future. But it is a story. Be kind, not harsh. Think. Don’t just read. Let your mind wonder. Let your heart open and listen to the tale I have to tell.


This is dark and oppressive, kind of like the author is saying "Sit down, shut up, don't breathe: I'm going to tell you a story if you like it or not."

This is a far cry from the beginning of The Odyssey, which says:

Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who travelled far and wide after he had sacked the famous town of Troy.


Completely different. It is elegant, not oppressive. It also has a hook. Once you read that line, you can't help but wonder: "Who is that ingenious hero who traveled far and wide after he sacked the famous town of Troy?"

You may not be Homer, but you could learn a lot about epic beginnings from this single line. We don't need some brooding narrator, we need a reason to read the story you're about to tell us. Nothing more, nothing less.
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Wow. I was intrigued by the first sentence. I want more. I really liked this and I love your writing style, it seem almost, Magical and very pleasent to read.

Can't wait for more.

-Magyk




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I liked this a lot! And I mean, a lot! Your style of writing flows nicely, and I like writing that is thoughtful, like this. And like JCobsessed's POD (check that out if you haven't read it, and you'll see what I mean.)

When's the next bit coming up? Is it gonna be on this thread or another - could you PM when you post the next part?

I didn't think the narrator was annoying at all. Her way of telling the beginning was very calm and peaceful, and poetic without being too flowery. Very good! Great, in fact! :D

-Twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir



"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore