Hey, look what I found! I love your theme and imagery. I'm not so sure about the archaic style. I know that's what you intended to do, so I think this could just be a matter of personal preference.
I'm not so sure about this;
"No trace left at dawn but a perfumed musk
Of the dust swept up by thine trailing sheet. "
"perfumed musk of the dust" doesn't make much sense to my mind, and so this sounds a little forced.
I'm not sure about rhyming "world" with "abode", and I think that:
"Bringing chilling drafts and agonised cries" is a little weak. Your imagery here could be more powerful.
The next stanza is very good. I'd say "your invisible face", as the twisted syntax irritated me. I'd say "is enough" or "will suffice."
I love;
"Just one candle and my nightmare's in hand."
For the sake of experimentation, I'd try this without the archaic diction. Hope this helps.
Jas
"Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." -Maya Angelou
Oh Jasmine, what would I do without you? Thank you so much, you're always so incredibly helpful!
I'd half forgotten about this one actually but I do like the theme and I've certainly moved away from the old dialect so writing it again could prove to be quite promising. In fact, you might remember why I went through the archaic language phase? When Claire and I were practicing for the novel that has not yet been written. Hehe.
I really must go, in part to avoid getting too far off topic and in part because there's a bus I must catch and so much still to do. Expect to hear from me on Wednesday at the very latest with a long reply to your e-mail and hopefully at least half those edits I owe you,
I love your theme and imagery. I'm not so sure about the archaic style. I know that's what you intended to do, so I think this could just be a matter of personal preference.
