This didn't make me feel anything. Try to envision the poem from the reader's view whilst writing it. Good poetry imbues to reader with whatever emotion is present in the piece; in essence, it lets the reader feels what the writer felt. This, however, seemed unemotional and rather pointless. It lacked any rhetoric, strong images, or deep meanings to back it up. Read around. You'll come to see how literary devices can be properly used, and what subjects make good poems.
Happy reading ~Ed
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
Sometimes a lack of punctuation can be effective but, as I often say, it's best in small doses so use a little more. Also, you could expand this piece. It's rather abstract and there's not a lot of imagery like whence pointed out. Add a little description and try to either convey a meaning or a story. In this case it should probably be the highlights of the book you've based it on. Hope that helps a little and I do think you could go somewhere with this piece. Keep writing,
Heather xx
I think you have the beginnings of what could be a great poem here. I think it could be a little better if you maybe added a few words to it.
I liked the idea, but I couldn't quite grasp the whole thing. Where you had single words all by themselves like "filthy" I couldn't quite understand what you were describing there. You might want to be a little more specific with that, And I think it could have great potential.
Hope that was of some use!
-Sorceress
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)
that poem was like eating american cheese with red wine--it just didn't make sense.
i'm proud of that analogy.
anyway, this could be a cool poem. just...expand. and..*yawn*...try to make it more interesting? this seems like you just said, "okay, what can i slap down in five seconds..." for five seconds, it's good. but it's not enough for anyone to really enjoy.
i leave this thread with dissatisfaction and residual pride for my awesome analogy.
Am I a one eyed hunter of unicorns or a hunter of one eyed unicorns? The world may never know.
