Desert Rain

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The desert surrounds me,
Stretching to every horizon,
Cracked and dry with age,
Flat and featureless
But for scattered, fibrous plants
Which with rare tenacity
Cling to the rugged earth.

I wander with the wind
That stirs up the placid dust,
My feet leave lonely prints
In the broken clay sand
While my thoughts soar free,
Leaving no trace behind.

Clouds cautiously steal
Across the bright blue sky,
Obscuring the cruel sun,
And shadowing the desert below.
Thunder beats a slow cadence
Hesitant rain begins to fall.

The parched sand is darkened
The heavy-hearted dust no longer lifts
The rain gains strength, battering the ground
Until brown rivers run across the land,
Through small sand valleys,
And into clear puddle-lakes.

The noise above wakes brown seeds below,
Green heads push through the earth,
Leafy embryos uncurl
To taste the air for the first time
After lying beneath the sea of sand
For countless dormant years.

I cross the flowering sand,
The water on my tired face,
And my measured steps grow random
My heart’s tempo quickens
With life, I run over the desert,
Bare toes churning the wet sand
As the clouds unwillingly retreat,
Relinquishing the desert to the sun once more.

Behind me lie my footprints,
Filled with clear rain water,
Their rippling surfaces reflect the sky
The sun, the clouds, and the blue
The shifting light of the breaking storm.
~*~Twinflower~*~




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I liked the imagery in this poem, you described it well and I really felt like I was there. Forgive me for not being very helpful but I haven't critiqued for a long time, and can't find anything alarmingly wrong with this piece :P I liked the way you talked a little about yourself at the beginning of the poem, then continued with the description, and came back to yourself at the end. Loved it. Keep writing.
Matt.




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The language you use in this poem is rather advanced and like Matt said, the imagery is vivid and realistic. I feel that 'bright blue sky' takes away from the description a little because it's very ordinary in comparrisson to rest. But then some people would say that's a good thing because it creates contrast. Just thought I'd point it out...

'The heavy-hearted dust no longer lifts
The rain gains strength, battering the ground' - I didn't feel that these two lines followed each other. I think you should either use a semi colon or full stop after the first or find some way to link them.

The final line is very effective and that's about all I have to say other than keep up the good work.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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Very much a good poem, darling! It had the rythm and taste of narrative, but you never got stuck on story-like details, you kept the flow going in a very poetic way: quite enjoyable.

The noise above wakes brown seeds below,


This one confused me for a moment: I had to look twice to see what you were talking about. I really do like the metaphor, maybe just made it a little clearer? :-)
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




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The desert surrounds me,
Stretching to every horizon,
Cracked and dry with age,
Flat and featureless
But for scattered, fibrous plants
Which with rare tenacity
Cling to the rugged earth.


I love the use of alliteration in here, and the imagery's very vibrant and vivid. Lovely. ^_^

I wander with the wind
That stirs up the placid dust,
My feet leave lonely prints
In the broken clay sand
While my thoughts soar free,
Leaving no trace behind.


I like your evocation of the wind raising the dust, but there should be either a semi-colon or a period at the end of line 2.2. Also, "clay sand" feels repetitive and unwieldy.

Clouds cautiously steal
Across the bright blue sky,
Obscuring the cruel sun,
And shadowing the desert below.
Thunder beats a slow cadence
Hesitant rain begins to fall.


Semi-colon or period after 3.5. My only constructive criticism for this stanza. ^_^

The parched sand is darkened
The heavy-hearted dust no longer lifts
The rain gains strength, battering the ground
Until brown rivers run across the land,
Through small sand valleys,
And into clear puddle-lakes.


The passivity in 4.1 doesn't really work; I'd suggest something more like "The parched sand darkens as / The heavy-hearted dust no longer flies." Yes, I changed lifts--I don't think it had quite the right connotations here. Also, a period at the end of 4.2, whether or not you change "lifts." ^_~ And I really, really, really love "puddle-lakes." ^_^

The noise above wakes brown seeds below,
Green heads push through the earth,
Leafy embryos uncurl
To taste the air for the first time
After lying beneath the sea of sand
For countless dormant years.


Love this stanza. Gorgeous. Though I would suggest a semicolon after 5.1.

I cross the flowering sand,
The water on my tired face,
And my measured steps grow random
My heart’s tempo quickens
With life, I run over the desert,
Bare toes churning the wet sand
As the clouds unwillingly retreat,
Relinquishing the desert to the sun once more.


You need a period after 6.3. Also, in 6.5, a semi-colon instead of the first comma, after "life." I love the imagery of "bare toes churning... wet sand."

Behind me lie my footprints,
Filled with clear rain water,
Their rippling surfaces reflect the sky
The sun, the clouds, and the blue
The shifting light of the breaking storm.


Semi-colon or period at the end of 7.2 to make this stanza grammatically correct. Other than that, you're good to go. The imagery here's very, very vivid. Lovely![/quote]
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)



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