Black Box, Jack Box

Black box,
jack box,
lend me your ear;
and I'll keep twirlin' despite my fear.

Dark box,
stark box,
loan me your nose;
'round and 'round the shiny crank goes.

Square box,
dare box,
lend me your mouth;
I'll keep spinning till the demon comes out.


Ghoul box,
tool box,
give me your cheeks;
friction from turning, burning; it reeks.

Whole box,
soul box,
lend me all of you;
give me your pieces, scattered askew.

And from these lost remnants;
those essence of you,
I'll rebuild my body
and live life anew.

cube.

box box box
box box box
box box box.

sorry man XP

I think this would work better if both box lines in each stanza were combined into one line for each stanza... this sounds like something that should get faster [sort of like the carvinal music that starts out slow when you crank the box and then it gets faster and faster until POP] and having those boxes divided over two lines slows the poem down every time you get a new stanza.

"give me your cheeks" = awkward. Is this asking for the weirdly broad smile of a jack-in-the-box? That would be cool and those smiles are really creepy... with more work it could be a great image. Otherwise this part stings a bit of forced rhyme. Likewise with "lend me all of you/give me your pieces scattered askew" in the next stanza.

To many boxes. I was good, but a little repetitive. I didn't see any mistakes, which is good. Maybe you should put the box lines together.

I found nothing wrong with the lines with 'box' in them. I don't understand why everyone wants you to put them together or what that even means.

Anyway... The rhythm of this, so to speak, was very appealing. The meaning of your last lines is somewhat hard to understand. Perhaps that's just my ignorance.

And the very last stanza has an off-rhythm. I think the word 'essences' is doing you in. Nothing much else to say.

Oooh i liked this, very catchy rhythm to it! I have read a few of your poems today and this one i like the best!

Well done keep it up!

Meevs
x

I liked this! I'm not quite sure I got what the meaning of the poem was, but the rhythm was definitely catchy! I think the repetition of box actually enhanced the poem rather than detracted from it. It was the main focus of the poem, and your choice of words to describe the boxes, respectively, were great!

Third stanza was my favorite. Nice rhythm!