Firya Ch. 1

Removed

Wow... this is a lot. I got through about half of it, and I'll probably come back to read the rest later. For future reference, try posting your material in smaller blocks.

Well... from what I did read, you are one helluva writer. You write very eloquently, painting clear and elegant pictures. Your setting is fantastic, very realistic. I thoroughly enjoyed reading what I did.

However, your main character seems a bit... well, lifeless. I mean that in the best way possible. The thing is, it's kind of hard to get a feel for the kind of person she is. This might just be the fact that this is the very beginning of the story and the fact that I didn't read it all the way through, but that's the vibe I'm getting.

Second,

Their mother, queen Idis of the archipelago,

Queen should be capitalised there, and what is "archipelago?" Is that the country? The palace? The family dog? A kind of soup? It just feels like it should be capitalised, too.

Overall, excellent job. I enjoy your writing style.
-Saint Razorblade

Wow! I really loved this.

I noticed that you captured family life really well - and mixing in the royalty part worked terrifically! This was quite a believable first chapter.

My favourite are the Twins - they act so naturally, so childish, so normal. I would like to see more of them.

I didn't notice that many mechanical error - punctuation was good, sentences flowed.

Can't wait for more!

Wow again, as the others said before me. I loved it - this has obviously taken time, thought and care and is very well done. I really think the setting and atmosphere was caught perfectly.

The description at the beginning was great, it was almost as if I was standing at the balcony looking out myself. It could perhaps have been more effective if it was shorter - it would be crisper and easier for a reader to get lost on.

Something you could easily do, as you showed when you subtly used touches of description to describe her dress. By doing this you gradually introduced the reader to the idea that Firya was very rich and well-dressed. By not overloading the reader with description, revealed this aspect of your character really well.

Some tweaking might be needed too, to give it a true wow quality. Take this for example.

where many wood and stone docks stretched into the water like a web of fingers

I loved it - the idea and the image, referring to the docks as fingers was great, but then I realised that fingers don't web and neither do docks...

Secondly, as for the part about your main character. She could, I agree be brought life more. There is obviously a well-thought out character there. The reader is given tidbits to think over

the land before her was only a view for her to admire and not a place to explore.

and

"I studied in my rooms for two hours after breakfast, and then walked through the corridors until lunch, and after that I went out onto the grand balcony to think.”

But to the reader we learn so little about her, and it is as if we only see as posed and restrained as she wishes others to. As the main character of the story we really need to get to know her more. We need to make a connection with her - something you can still do, by adding more bits of information on her feelings, thoughts, and perhaps past, and you can still do this and give the air of pose and restrainment she shows the world.

Brilliant job, I'll be reading the next part

-Anthas

Hello!

As has been said above, this was quite good. Your description is absolutely gorgeous and there were next to no awkward sections that bothered me. Beautiful, in all.

It has been mentioned that Firya seems 'lifeless.' While I don't agree what she is necessarily lifeless, I do think she could use a bit more characterization. You're probably wondering what in the world to do to characterize her further. In this piece, your characterize Firya through actions and dialogue - two essential parts of the job, but I felt that you could have taken it a step further and made Firya stronger. You can do this by describing in more detail Firya's reactions to what is going on around her (I don't mean long, telling paragraphs. I mean things like expression, thoughts on rare occasions, body language) so the reader gets more insight into Firya's inner thoughts and personality. You did a marvelous job of this when Firya is watching the rain at the beginning, but when you started introducing more characters and things started happening, Firya sort of got lost in the fray.

The other thing I want to address if more of a suggestion than anything else. My English teacher always used to get on my case for describing things in the wrong places, and you don't have this problem, but you do have some extremely opportunistic sections to desribe. For instance, when Firya is walking to the queen's music parlor, you describe some, but her walking uneventfully is a perfect opportunity to go into more detail. That way you won't have to cram the description in during action scenes.

Two last nitpicks:

She watched the rivulets course down the walls to the paved drive below the balcony. Small streams of water ran all the way down the drive and into the city.

These two sentences seem to be saying the same thing, party because of the similar wording. I suggest either omitting one sentence or rewording one of them.

The wide corridor inside extended to the right and left, (new sentence here) other arches were placed in the walls leading to rooms and hallways. Firya turned right, where the tails of the manservant’s uniform were disappearing around a corner. She followed him down stone stairways to the bottom floor of the palace, where her mother would be waiting for her.

Just a reminder to watch out for run-on sentences.

Very nice job, Twinflower. I anticipate reading more of your work here on YWS. Keep writing! And if you have any questions or need anyting, feel free to PM me.

I love the way you describe the water at the opening of this piece. The detail you go into is beautiful and I liked that you included details about all the characters as they were introduced. It really got me into the story.
I would like to know a little more background on the characters, Firya and the queen in particular. Has the queen always been harsh and judgmental or is it a somewhat recent development? Does Firya go out and stand in the rain whenever it is raining, or does she only do it when she thinks she won't get caught?
Also, one technical question: What is the name of the archipelago of which these children are the royal family?
You have a beautiful writing style and I enjoyed reading this. Can't wait to read more!

Thanks for the reviews!

Hiya, honey. I didn't realize that there was a prologue, so I went straight to the first chapter. So, here it goes. If you have any questions or my handwriting is just that horrible shout out to me.

Ta,
Cal.










CLICHED EMO PRINCESS

You are riding the cliched emo pricess fence, you haven't fallen over but watch out in the future for it.

CHARACTERIZATION

You do quite a bit of telling us about characters in the first chapter, rather than showing us. Try to let characterization come out in the story.

SIBLINGS

I really liked the relationship between Firya and Tomas, nicely done.