Magic 8 Ball

Magic eight ball sitting on my desk,
Will I get the answer that I wish?

Will I know if I will find,
Whatever it is my heart resigns?

Or will it simply pass me by?
Like so many other chances you provide?

Magic eight ball sitting on my desk,
Will I get the answer that I wish?

Will I know if I will find,
That he loves me too?

Or will my love be wasted?
Like so many other times before?

Magic eight ball sitting on my desk,
Will I get the answer that I wish?

Will I realize just in time,
That I've lost my mind?

Or will I be just too late?
And leave behind a bloody lake?

Magic eight ball on the floor,
how many hearts have you broken before?

I like it, well done.

Hehe, you brought out, what I feel, to be the futility of asking an inanimate object something that you really should figure out for yourself. Just my personal opinion.

Hmm...very jerky rhythem, it's like you couldn't really decide what tempo to put the words to, so you picked about three, scrambled them together like you do eggs and slap it into a poem.

Effective in it's own way but....hmm. Very juttery.

Will I realize just in time,
That I've lost my mind?

Or will I be just too late?
And leave behind a bloody lake?

Magic eight ball on the floor,
how many hearts have you broken before?

Fave part, that's why I liked the poem. All up, an interesting angle put on things.

Tata mwa!

SS

the whole repetition of "magic eight ball" got annoying, though I have to admit the last stanza was at least cute.

I have a couple problems with the poem, though.

1. Punctuation: Yay for actually punctuating! But you seemed to have done so incorrectly, and there are an overwhelming amount of question marks. Looking at this with each verse only two lines, it makes it seem even more so.

Or will it simply pass me by?
Like so many other chances you provide?

The first line is a question, true, but being followed by that second line, they should all be one sentence: Or will it simply pass me by/like so man other chances you provide?

You should read over the whole thing and punctuate it as you would regular sentences. Pay attention to proper grammar, you don't have to punctuate the end of each line, just make sense.

2. Navel-Gazing: I think the term speaks for its self but in case you haven't come across it here is a lovely article written by Snoink: Navel Gazing.

Along the same lines as navel-gazing, your poem made me feel nothing. A poem should cause the reader to feel or think something. you write the poem for the reader, and not for yourself. This article might help: Emotional Poetry.

I don't think there is really anything else I can say. Those are the major problems, and with those problems clogging up the poems ability to be enjoyed, I can't say much.

If you have any questions about anything I said or would like more information, feel free to PM me and I'll explain.

Bonne chance.

I liked this poem! I love those little magic eight ball thingys! anyway good poem! Great job!

I liked it. It was interasting and well written. It was good. Keep up the good work.

-- M.B.Author

THis is quite interesting indeed but your over repetition of 'the magic 8 ball' kinda irritates me. Perhaps you could find other words that should help you to fix this?

Otherwise, it's nice. I'd give it a 3 stars out of 5

-Farah

half the time you tried to rhyme (and didn't quite) and the other half you didn't. Try to be slightly more consistant--or at least make the rhyme scheme fit the piece.

I won't go over things others have competently (for lack of a better word) pointed out.

So rather then going through this, bit by bit, I propose a challenge:
Take the last 2 lines of this poem, and with all the crits you've recieved, write an entirely new one inspired by those lines.

I'm rather intrigued to see how that'll turn out-- I think it should go rather well

The best of luck,
~Ed

ok will do, but the next one will be posted in lyric poetry because thats where this was supposed to be

i actually like questions in poems...this made me feel like i was really in the writers head wondering all this, but the repetition of the magic eight was a bit annoying. try cutting them out a little. & I'm not much for rhyming so i think you did a good job on this. i enjoyed it, keep it up!

xjess

I think you can eliminate "sitting" from the first line to make it a little more sing-songy, let it flow better. Likewise, "Like so many other chances you provide?" you can eliminate "so many" here so it's not such a mouthful to say.

"Will I know if I will find,
That he loves me too?"

^This stanza doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. The rhythem is different for the second line by a few syllablals. Also, while the other lines have attempted to rhyme (they are forced, so decide whether you want a rhyming poem or not and be consistant) this one doesn't even come close, further alienating it. Second all of the above for the stanza following this as well.

"Will I realize just in time,
That I've lost my mind?"

^The second line sounds a little short; you can add a fill-up word somewhere in the middle (like "That I've almost lost my mind", etc.)

"Or will I be just too late?
And leave behind a bloody lake?"

^This stanza didn't seem to add much to the rest of the poem, I'd reccomend eliminating it.

"Magic eight ball on the floor,
how many hearts have you broken before?"

^The second line here can work, but paring it down into active voice instead of passive might be more effective => something like "how many hearts did you break before" is more concise (but it's not a very good example)

I think the repetition of the "Magic eight ball" stanza was effective. In all, there wasn't a whole lot of meaning to it, but it did describe a cute scene. I'm encouraging you to try whence's challenge.