Bangin'

Hmm...i'm not sure, it's not exactly a narration of events now is it?

And yeah, the ending is a bit abrupt. It's all well and good to have an 'abrupt' ending when your poem is a wee bit longer than two verses and a bit, but with what you have put, it's more like, start reading, get the feel for maybe what's happening and then bam! finished.

The reason you never see abrupt endings in poems because it tends to leave them with an unfinished feel, it's far better to round it off nicely, tie up the scraggely ends and make it all nice and neat.

The ending that is, elsewise you'll leave your reader with a sense of dissatisfaction, of 'so, the point was...?' And I think that's what all poems should have, a point.

Tata mwa!

SS

I don't want to say too much: I might get mean.

The rhyming was bleh, because it happened so often and without an actual structure.

The ending made me feel like I read only half a poem.

And (like I mentioned on your other poem) I felt nothing.

Sorry :-/ I don't feel like being long on this one.

It was interasting. I love reading poetry. It could use a little work, but over all it was good. I like your poems, hope to hear more.

-- M.B.Author

Hey! good poem I think it ended a little quickly! Maybe make it a little longer then it will be good!

Great job!

I'm going to have to side with Claudette on this one.

You attempted to build up to this kiss. You didn't.

You attempted to successfully rhyme it. You didn't.

You didn't even attempt to give it some in depth purpose-- you REALLY should've. All poems should have a 'point' if you will. This didn't.

Oh, yeah...and the ending? Was an interesting experiment--but not a necessarily successful one.

I agree with whence and Clau. Not only was the poem itself inane and incredibly amateurish, but the poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation usage completely turned me off. Also, please note that ellipses in poetry are like the sugars and fats of the nutritional pyramid. In other words: use them as little as possible, and preferably not at all.