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I've already given you my thoughts and comments on the original, but I thought I'd finish the job on the rewrite. Sorry again that I didn't finish it right away, but I hope I can be halfway useful here. ^_^
I like the opening quite very much. This might be, of course, due to yours and my unhealthy and shared enthusiasm for Rammstein, but it really does fit the sketch quite well. I remember when you were first tossing the idea around, you said you wanted it presented as sort of a skewed version of Mein Teil meets Stein Um Stein - so you've eschewed the, ah, cannibalism of the former and played off the 'walling-in' theme of the latter. I have to think that the Stein Um Stein lyrics are meant to be taken halfway metaphorically in the song, but you really did a brilliant job in taking the message to fiction (something like a much more graphic - and much more homosexual - version of Poe's 'Cask of Amontillado').
But unlike Montressor and Fortunato, Lucas and Ivan have an exceedingly twisted dynamic: you've done a much better job of defining Lucas' position as the victim. The psychology is much more defined in this draft. My initial reaction upon rereading this (after I, you know, got past the initial wide-eyed 'good lord' moment) was to wonder at Lucas' believablitiy as a character. Just how unfathomably foolish would he have to be to get himself [willingly] into such a position? By his terror-filled reactions that surface as the story wears on, we can see that he's not the type of person who tends to identifiy pain with pleasure (unlike the apparently sadistic Ivan). So... if my count's correct, Ivan asks him twice - and almost earnestly - if he still agrees. And both times Lucas - almost as earnestly? - says he does. So... the reader sees that he's willing. And obviously he's got some inkling of what this particular form of, ah... arousal will entail.
So. His protests near the end seem completely divorced from his line of thought. Shocked, almost, as though he had no idea this was going to happen:
“What the hell is that?” Lucas shouted. ... “Don’t fucking shock me.”
“Stop, please!”
“I didn’t want this,” Lucas tried to plead; “This isn’t what I agreed to!”
... then what on God's green earth did he agree to? o.0
I understand that you've worked on taking Lucas' mental development throughout the suituation into account, and you really have done a much more convincing job if it. The sole problem is the trend it follows - so sudden. As so.
...
Opening: Naive, innocent young Lucas agrees - though somewhat tentatively, to being tortured by his... 'lover'.
Climax: Somewhat less thrilled Lucas ends up getting the crap beaten out of him by said 'lover', begging to be let out of this twisted game.
...
The transition, while there, is shaky. It relies largely on the bit where Ivan shocks him, and yet you somewhat lessen the transition by stating the Lucas does, in fact, still enjoy the pain. Thus your transition suffers. It's too sudden. Here, let me put in your own words:
Till wrote:My only complaint is the transition from happy children to, omfg the death is after us!
Er, only replace 'happy children' with Lucasand eschew 'the death' for Ivan. ^_~ Your psychological shift, as the scene progresses, has gotten much smoother with the rewrite. But I think you still might want to work a bit on the exact moment of the shift. Think of it as the fulcrum. Both of your end points are clearer defined, as are the realms from each point to the center, but the fulcrum itself is still a bit off.
Style-wise, the piece is quite good. Your writing, naturally, is impeccable when setting the scene (and producing the inevitable 'good lord' moment).
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[Critted for the CCF]
