Fascist

I am in line to be gassed. With muted voice,
the resident fascists converse on such matters
as Aryans and imprisoning yellow stars. The
same yellow star that has so often spelled
out my doom. I am ensared in this Venus Flytrap,
marked as imperfect for the whole world to
know my shame. You are the one that has
put me in this situation to begin with, and I
am fated to be pinched eternally between
the thumb and forefinger of your Nazi superego.

You are all fattening me on your lies, so
that by the time it is my turn to be slaughtered,
there will be enough of me to go around.
You will need a souvenir, so as to remember
all the sights you've seen perfectly.
I can hear it now. "This was her heart, and
these were her lungs, they'll be sold to
the highest bidder today!"

There is always today, at least.
Today, I am in line to be gassed.
Today, I graze in barren pastures and
wallow in my own stench. I have become accustomed
to having to compete for my food, accustomed to
gorging on the lies until I'm fit to eat.
I've nothing more to offer in life than this,
nothing more to do than to stand her,
like a cow being fattened for the slaughter.

There will always be tomorrow, but I have spent
my whole life eagerly awaiting the
advent of tomorrow and it's not arrived. It will
not be much longer before I am free
of this position- between the thumb
and forefinger of your Nazi super ego.
Tomorrow will see the fascists regime overthrown.
There will always be tomorrow.

I would like to commend you on this. You're writing about a very tricky subject here, something a bit trite and quite possibly overdone, a horror that in contemporary society is hopelessly and in explicably intertwined with such Hollywood drama as Schindler's List and Sophie's Choice. You're writing about a very sensitive subject here... and that having been said you pulled it off excellently.

My initial reaction upon seeing it was to wonder if I hadn't already read this, if it wasn't a repost - Holocaust sketches and poems lose their potency and distinction after a little while because very often their authors know not the first thing about it and are incapable of imagining it. But three lines in and I was hooked. You have very defined and strong talent here - you've brought a fresh tone and voice to something that so often falls under the regrettable but predictable pattern of anguish. Yours ends on a dually resigned but subtly and strongly optimstic note, if that's any way to describe it.

I've nothing more to offer in life than this,
nothing more to do than to stand her,
like a cow being fattened for the slaughter.

Typo - 'here', yes?

I suggest replacing the 'Nazi superego' that appears in the opening and closing stanzas with something a bit more ominous, a bit more echoic of the times: 'Nazi ubermenschen', perhaps?

But now I'm all out of time. I shall merely conclude by wishing the very best and telling you once again that I very thoroughly enjoyed this. ^_^



EDIT: Also, reading over Charlotte's comment, I wanted to say that I actually liked the 'fattening on lies' references - sort of paradoxical to the assumed physical emaciation, very poetic.

--

[Critted for the CCF]

This was pretty good! I liked it. It didn't really catch my eye though. Maybe when trying to do work like this put in an event unless your stating something?

Oh well good job

I liked it! It was a good way of approaching a risky topic. Just a few things, I didn't like the way you kept saying fattening me with lies, the word was a bit overused, But apart from that; it was good!

Charlotte

thanks to everyone that's commented so far!

An interesting choice of topic. I think you could make it more passionateand instead of fighting for food say how you the character robbed a comrade's dead body of food, with something like "what use would she have for it now"

I really liked this piece.
It was a very fresh way of writing about a topic that a lot of people write about.
I noticed a few things that I think can benefit from change:
----
In the begining, you say Nazi superego, whereas later you say Nazi super ego. Do you want it to be one word or two?

I am ensared in this Venus Flytrap,
marked as imperfect for the whole world to
know my shame.

Typo: do you mean ensnared?

I can hear it now. "This was her heart, and
these were her lungs, they'll be sold to
the highest bidder today!"

Comma, not period after "now".
----

The end is optimistic, but in an extremely cliche (I think that's spelled right...?) way... I don't know, it struck me that way anyway.
Also, rather than having the fattening on lies appear twice in two different stanzas, try putting it all into one stanza... you know what I mean?

Anyway, I really liked it!
Keep it up!
~Azila

I liked this! It was good, but the last two stanzas didn't work for me.

The repetition of being fattening by lies ("gorging on the lies until I'm fit to eat.") bothered me because you had already mentioned it. These last two stanzas seemed weaker than the other ones.

Actually, other than the line mentioned above, the second stanza isn't so bad. It's just the last one, and I'm not sure why I didn't like it. I think if you fixed up the second to last stanza, you could end it right there.


Brilliant to be writing about something like this. You did it will. ^_^

biancarayne,


This will surely get you an A in your history or english class when discussing German literature.

For my buck though, I can take any set of five lines and see material I've seen a hundred times before. The writers who lived through it are still better than any mock-up we can present today.


Best,
Brad