Betrayal

You think you are friends,
until she turns around and stabs you in the back.

Laughing at you,
and making jokes, just to get some attention.

She tells everyone your secrets,
and talks of embarrassing things that she swore she would never tell.

And the feeling of it all,
is enough to just make you want to return the favor.

But you know that if you do,
you will just make it even worse.

And in the end,
she thinks you don't notice.

She goes about,
still acting like your friend, like nothing ever happened.

Although you still,
never want to see her face again.

WOW! This describes basically the "friendship" I had last year with a rich kid at my school. Good job! I am loving your writing and can't wait to read more!!

I think the true beauty of this poem is that is completely believeable. If this hasnt already happened to you, trust me it will happen.

Mm, i critiqued this before things went haywire...it was pretty. But now it's gone, so you get the short less-cheery version:

Don't use "you" in terms of the reader. She did not stab me in the back and then tell my secrets.

Complete sentences+poem=crappy. I feel like it's a rant with each sentence split into two lines (which should really be three, in all fairness).

Happy Editing,
WM

Mmkay, where to start...

It was good. But I have to agree with Write Me: it does sound a bit like a rant split up to look like a poem. Maybe if you switched it up so it doesn't sound like you're talking to the person you're ranting at, and make it more sound like a "he/she" poem instead of a "I/you" poem (if that makes sense) it would sound smoother.

Other than that, I like this poem. It feels very conversational, mostly because of the use of the word "you". I've written many a poem back in the day that sounded alot like this one, which is probably another reason why I can relate to it.

Keep up the great writing. :]

First off, this was very good. The concept was spot on and you grasped the idea very well.

However, as write me said I think that putting this poem into first person could work better. Eg.

You think you are friends,
until she turns around and stabs you in the back.

Laughing at you,
and making jokes, just to get some attention

Could turn into:
I thought we were friends,
until she turns around and stabbed me in the back.

Laughing at me,
and making jokes, just to get some attention

Does that seem better??

Anyways, I did really like this. So good job.
Alainna
xxxx

This simply describes feelings flatly and plainly. There's nothing wrong with that, but with a subject such as this you can go much deeper, explore the bitter anghuish of lost friendship, hint at the seet irony of real life. Also, you use simple language. Again, this is not bad, but you could broaden your vocabulary. You might want to add some metaphor or deeper imagry as well.

It is not a bad poem at all, it's just simple. This is itself can have a profound impact, but it didn't feel to me like that was the case here.

WOW! I totaly understand. I liked how you put it! It is so true. Good job. Keep up the great work.

-- M.B.Author