Good Riddance

I keep having these dreams.
Nightmares
Of you in battle.
Dead.
I wake up crying.
Alone
I can't go back to sleep.
Scared

Ever since you left for war.
These thoughts keep on coming.
I feel you won't come back.
That I'll never again hold you.

Why you left me to suffer,
Your country needs you
Or that's what you say.
But you didn't even say goodbye.

I write you a letter everyday.
But you have never returned one.
Not a single one.
And I am scared.

So now I write you this poem.
And if you get it think of me.
And how I love you so.
But I shall never again see you.

I have lost my family.
While you have been gone.
I am the only one left.
But not for long.

A whole year has past.
And I'm sick of worrying.
I'm taking your old gun.
And stopping my pain.

I love you my darling
Goodnight
Goodbye
Good Riddance.

Staring_at_ceiling:


You lump one cliche to another to form a poem that is both too-long and too-boring for anyone's attention-span. S2, S6 and S8 could be cut entirely without losing any coherence or flow. That said, the other strophes are weak excuses for verse, riddled with such standard phrases as "how I love you so."

Any revision that doesn't begin with a new piece of paper is a waste of time.


Best,
Brad

Wow. I thought he was hard on me...

Ok now I wouldn't say that. Yes there is alotta fluff but you have an idea and an image thats one thing. I think however you need to do a rewrite.

Try to go more indepth. Construct your own metaphors, that'll help you ditch the cliched sound.

I would also delve deeper into that feeling of abandonment. How do you feel about the war in general? You could also maybe connect that.

I think the last three lines though are a great way to sum it up, but the rest needs reworking.

And I am OUT!

Good description on this! I really liked it! I felt the point that you were trying to make well done! Keep it up!

I personally agree with Oregon. I think you did a really good job on getting the point across. Good job!

No where in this did I myself feel the emotions you were trying to convey. I could observe them, yes, but you didn't make/let me feel.

You start off with a sort of staccato format, which is good for contrast but ill-used here. Then you drop it in favor of bland observations and toneless sorrow.

Try reading this from a reader's perspective. Make us relate, make us hurt when you hurt, make us cry. Right now the only thing this piece makes me feel is that I wasted my time.