Cramps

Clenching its muscles,
a serpent inside me
feels my pain.
Some put the blame on
the snake,
but I know it's not her fault
any more than it is mine.
She shares my agony,
groans at its worth...
and the rumble moves up from my stomach;
the coils slide, the muscles grip,
like waves they hit
hard, then back down.
In this way nature places
a history behind my pain.
I am a part of cycle,
a long chain, a belt, a snake
wrapped around the waist of Venus.
Women are not the shoreline-
the tide will never erode them, leave them
broken,
shattered in the sands.

WOW! I love the last line. So.... brilliant.
I loved it.
I can't think of a single thing to improve it.
Charlotte

I too like the last few lines. though the rest of it didnt' do much for me. the idea behind is a good one but the style it was written in wasn't my favorite. but good job anyway.

Thanks for critiquing! Looking on back on this I'm recognizing that in fact I, too, dislike this style - it feels very amateurish. When I wrote this poem I had the most awful cramps, couldn't focus on anything else, but now I'm noticing some details of the poem that are less appealing and could use some work. I'm glad you like the last lines! Thanks again for reading!

I loved this. I loved how you made the smallest details very intricate and dramatic.

I like how you focus on a woman's cramps - Period I believe? - and let the reader know how it feels! Make them sort of feel the pain too, just like the writer.

Good on you !

Bwahaha, girl power! I dig it.

I wish it was more broken up though. I crave stanza's in this poem.

It just needs some polishing, but other than that I LOVE the idea.

I love how you managed to put the power of your monthlies into something creative .

Exactly how I feel. I get cramps a lot. It's @*&#! painful.

Incredibly accurate...wow. Males just don't quite know how it's like. It was very good, and I liked it a lot! Can't think of anything more to say.

I liked it, but I'm not entirely sure how i feel about snake metaphor. Like everyone else, i have to agree; your last line is remarkable. I think you did a good job.

haha
feel the pain. males of the world
Next time you're like 'don't be so overdramatic'
feel the snake within-ok that sounded wrong but hey
I really liked this, who knew you could make periods creative?
Not me, I thought they were just a pain 'pardon the pun'
I like I like I like
S
xxx