Full-bred

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Full-bred


As the dark woods closed like jaws around him, Jay Felanor watched every bush, tree, and blade of grass vigilantly. His right hand was laden with a dangerous sword and his left with a sharp dagger. His dark brown cloak and his green tunic covered his light armor. His bow was strung over his back and his quiver full.
Two stone pinnacles rose behind him, symbols of what he fought for… of why he was here. The woods surrounding him were dangerous, yet they were his home. His knowledge of them came simply from experience and practice, and only the most skilled knew them as well as him. His love for them was great and his heart was only content when in them.
But alas, no great joy comes without a price. The woods were full of strange and horrible creatures sent to destroy them and ruin his beautiful home. His enemies’ numbers were great and there armies strong. It was said that some died at the mere sight of their horrid twisted faces. Yet here he was, alone, walking through the accursed woods with naught but his weapons and will to fight with.
His ears were trained to the sound of the forest, and he froze at the sound they picked up. His whole body was poised like a metal spring, waiting to be released. An arrow was drawn, notched, a string pulled taunt, and released! He lunged toward the horrid thing. His feet hit the ground as softly as a cat’s and his arms were ready. He plunged the knife into its shoulder, and his sword swept of its head… The blade reddened. Quickly he ripped off its ragged cloak and rubbed it on himself as not to attract more with his human scent. Then he slipped off into the woods once more.
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A big tree rose before him, and a sentry in it. His bow was out and his arrows loose. Slowly, as to not make any noise, he notched an arrow. The sentry did not move. He carefully stood up and started moving forward. Suddenly the guard raised his crossbow and shot! A nearby deer fell with a thud and the guard climbed down the tree to retrieve it. Quickly he dragged the carcass beneath his tree… he could clean it later.
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A nearby soldier was watching the tree carefully, and he was hungry. He knew that the sentry would shoot him at first sight whether the guard knew it was a friendly soldier or not. But still the food drove him on. After all their food was not only horrible, but it was practically gone. Besides that, his superior officers commanded them not to use there small supply of arrows on food. If they were able to kill them with anything else, the officers would take it any feast themselves on it. In other words this was a chance of a life time…and a matter of time for life.
Slowly the creature advanced. The guard’s silhouette was barely detectable in the thick branches of the oak but he still had a clear shot. THUD! His bolt hit the guard on the back and penetrated the rotting leather armor. Quickly he grabbed the carcass and dragged it into a nearby bush. Then he ran over to the dear and ripped at the raw flesh with his claws. Fresh meat! There was nothing like it for a starving mongrel like him.
Suddenly he stopped. There was something wrong with the dead guard. Slowly he walked forward and cut a chunk out of its neck, then tasted it. SPITT! Yup he was right…it was poisoned. Fear crept through him! Who killed the guard? Jay drew an arrow.
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Three down, but there was a lot more out there. After seeing what the soldier did to the guard, he figured that if he could take out the head, the body would kill its self. If he could achieve this it would destroy them for good, but…no. It was impossible. Then again, it was supposedly impossible to get into the forest with out being shot. And where was he? Either way, Jay Felanor had job to do, even though it was self appointed, and unwilled by the officials, he would do it. So he started off at a hurried pace toward the rival camp.
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Finally! A body unsoiled by the assets of war! A little bit of blood on the sleeve, and badly bandaged arm, but not much. Quickly he put on the horrible smelling rags and covered the naked body with surrounding corpses. Then he hurried to his vantage point on a cliff surrounding the camp. Slowly he inched down the embankment. It was hard going but the sentries were few. He would face the real problem when he got to the camp.
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The ground under him was soft and the bushes thick. He would stay here until night fall and then when the sentry starts to nod his head… well you’ll hear about that soon enough! So he lay there, trying not to make any noise, and with nothing to do. Slowly his thoughts wandered back to his home. He thought mainly of his grandpa, well not really, but he called him that. He was an old man, somewhere in the early 80s, and a very wise man. He had taught Jay much of what he knew, not in sword skills or fighting, (for he was just a carpenter) but in life, love, wisdom, and some carpentry. Most importantly he had taught Jay many vital things about God and helped him with his relationship with Him.
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A sound jerked him out of his sleep. A patrolling guard passed. Jay waited until the guard was long gone, then he started forward. Slowly he crept out of the bushes. He was on the outskirts of the valley, and the whole area was burned to make room for the grotesque inhabitance. The only vegetation was some small ferns and a couple scorched trees (and those were very rare). This next part was completely open. He would have to be careful.
Slowly he lowered himself to the ground. Then he reached forward, careful as not to create noticeable movement, and grabbed a handful of dirt. He pulled himself forward. Painstakingly he inched his way across the charred earth, trying not to be seen.
He was about half way there when he heard a dreadful noise! A foraging group was returning from their fruitless skirmish. They were all discouraged and angry. Besides that one of them had gone missing. The group stomped on, cursing and arguing in their foul tongue. None of them noticed the still figure lying on the ground.
A big iron clad foot slammed down beside him and another behind him. Quickly he rolled out of the way as a thick, heavy boot slammed down on his former position. A loud rumble filled his head as he lay on the ground unmoving, trying not to be seen.
Slowly the sound faded away. All was quiet once again and the peace restored. Slowly Jay started crawling on. The ground was rough and bare, but he had not far to go. Finally, his hand felt the trunk of a tree and he looked up. He had arrived at the camp at last.
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Quietly he got up and reached for a branch above him. Got it! Then painstakingly he pulled himself into the branches. The tree was a tall old oak and had very large branches which were perfect for climbing. He was in luck! Slowly he climbed out on one of the branches and had a good look around.
These creatures may be horrid but they aren’t stupid. They had burnt a big area around the camp, leaving it bare of trees and large bushes. Then they pilled the rubbish around the camp as a wall. Therefore any attackers must cross the open area to reach them, while they could snipe from the trees. Also there “wall” was well guarded with archers and soldiers. Besides that they had their sentries. They had overlooked one thing though. The tree that Jay was in was out side the wall. If he could climb from his tree to a tree on the other side of the wall, he could bypass it altogether.
There was an old, rotten oak tree that must have fallen over in a storm. It was entangled in a tree a little ways to the left of him. Slowly he made his way toward it, careful so as not to alert the guards. When he arrived he slid down the trunk of the fallen oak and advanced through the trees.
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Finally, he was at the camp! The place was full of tents and swarmed with filth and waste from the horrid creatures. The place reeked and the foul air hurt his eyes. Yet there it was right in the center, a crudely build wood tower, obviously the general’s. Then he heard something. It was the forage party (they must have taken a breather)! Quickly he snuck towards them, and as they passed he slipped into the group. He sure hoped his disguise worked!
They advanced toward the tower. The door opened and admitted them in. As soon as they entered Jay slipped into a dark corner and looked around for guards. There was but one creature there, a giant, menacing creature the most horrid thing he had ever seen in his whole life! The general glared down the party and sent them off with no rations. They were alone!
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Slowly he rose. The general spun around and stared at him. “How did you get in here you fool! Get back to foraging!”
Jay smiled, “Ah! But I have better things to do!”
“I see!”
He unleashed his giant sword and advanced. The suddenly he stopped. He was facing a full-bred Elien Warrior with an arrow pointed at his throat.
“I think you might have some useful information for us!”
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What a sight! The two pinnacles of Elien rose in front of Jay Felanor, as if to greet him! One of the guards yelled something, and people poured out to meet him. Friends and strangers alike surrounded him, and the guards dealt with the general. Then he saw his grandpa. He smiled and ran toward him.
“You had me worried there, son!” said the old man. “I thought you might kill them all and not leave any for me!” he gave a menacing grin and waved his walking stick like he was going to spank some ornery younguns.
“Oh, don’t worry there’s plenty left.”
The old man smiled and embraced his friend. Jay was finally home!

THE END
Last edited by greenjay on Sat May 12, 2007 12:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Note: I probably won't change this story much because it is old and I am busy working on a longer one now, but any comments are very appreciated. You might make suggestions about the style or something like that that would help me with a future story, or my story now. Thanks!




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ok, this is my first time reviewing anyone's work, so i hope I do a good job.
I love the way your words flow. It's so smooth throughout the story,but especially in the first few paragraphs. I love to read stories that flow like that. You give great descriptions of the landscape (i could picture myself standing in the woods, and i felt very content there, just iike Jay), but there was very little description of the people and creatures. i found it a little hard to picture the main character in my mind. I was also a little confused as to who was doing what, and who were the enemies, and what exactly was going on. Why were the creatures sent to destroy his home? I know its a lot to think about when writing a short story, and this is pretty much the same stuff i struggle with, even thought i don't write fantasy, but i like to read it.
Anyways, i really liked the story, and i could feel Jay's fear, and sense of duty. Keep writing!! :D
“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.” -Mel Brooks




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Thanks! I'll keep that in mind (i always have trouble with description, way too much or too little) :P.




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Oh, man, so do I! :evil: It's like I overdescribe the little things, and ignore the important stuff. I'm really trying to work on that.
“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.” -Mel Brooks




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Hey! I enjoyed this a lot. As Jessica said, it flows well. I could only find one real errror:

and rubbed it on himself as not to attract more with his human sent.

*scent

And I can relate to the both of you. I have problems with description sometimes, but usually because I underdescribe. People get really annoyed with it lol.




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As has been said, your writing is smooth and this is a fantastic start to a story; however, there are a few things I think you can improve upon a few criticisms I have. :wink:

1. The Rollercoaster vs. The Cruise

One of the number one rules of writing action sequences is not to break up the actions with telling passages about a character, their past life, or extended description of surroundings. A few sentences here and there won't stunt the actions, but entire paragraphs will. Actions is a rollercoaster; on a rollercoaster, you don't stop and look at the scenery. On a Cruise you do. Don't worry - you will get your Cruise moments and then you can describe tons of the stuff you want to, but you can't stop your roller coaster for it. Now, to apply this to your story...

The ground under him was soft and the bushes thick. He would stay here until night fall and then when the sentry starts to nod his head… well you’ll hear about that soon enough! So he lay there, trying not to make any noise, and with nothing to do. Slowly his thoughts wandered back to his home. He thought mainly of his grandpa, well not really, but he called him that. He was an old man, somewhere in the early 80s, and a very wise man. He had taught Jay much of what he knew, not in sword skills or fighting, (for he was just a carpenter) but in life, love, wisdom, and some carpentry. Most importantly he had taught Jay many vital things about God and helped him with his relationship with Him.


Here, you tell us about Jay's relationship with his grandfather. Now, I understand that he is stopping for the night, but if you are going to have him settle for the night and go into this, you have to have more sunbstance to the scene. Without substance, this scene seems like a sudden break in the action. Personally, I think that you can omit this part and talk about it later. It's great information, but the reader does not need to know it now. There are more effective ways of characterizing Jay at this point.

2. EXCLAMATIONS POINTS!!!!!

I noticed that throughout this story, you use a lot of exclamation points. Baaad - that is a no-no. If you use lots of exclamations points, you detract from the value of the exclamation point. Only use them when it is absolutely necessary, especially in prose. Exclamations points detract from most prose; they are better used in dialogue.

He sure hoped his disguise worked!
They advanced toward the tower. The door opened and admitted them in. As soon as they entered Jay slipped into a dark corner and looked around for guards. There was but one creature there, a giant, menacing creature the most horrid thing he had ever seen in his whole life! The general glared down the party and sent them off with no rations. They were alone!


You only have three exclamation marks here, but the presence of three exclamations marks completely ruins the power of any single exclamation.

3. Sound Effects

Sound effects like 'thud' are all right at times in prose, but sounds like SPITT! are very bad. Say he spat - the presence of the sound effect only makes it look comical.

A Question: Are the long boxes across your post scene dividers or what?

If they are, I think that you could combine a lot of these scenes using some transitions - it would make it flow together better.

Other comments:

On your beginning: the scenery that you showed us was good, but you do a lot of telling about your main character, and I really liked some of the telling. It added to your characterization, but it was just too much. Try to cut down on how much you tell us, and it will tighten up the beginning.

If they were able to kill them with anything else, the officers would take it any feast themselves on it. In other words this was a chance of a life time…and a matter of time for life.


I think you meant 'and' instead of 'any'. The last sentence is a neat concept, but it is phrased awkwardly. Toy with the different ways to phrase that and make it more fluid.

IMPORTANT: remember to use YWS standard spacing for your stories - an extra line between each paragraph. If you don't format it right, it's hard to read. Look in the "Before You Post" sticky for more information.

If I come across as harsh, I am very sorry. This story has a lot of potential and you have a great writing style; I'm just trying to give you some pointers on how to improve. :wink:

Other than the comments above, this was quite a good story and regardless of any criticism, I did enjoy it. It was definitely worth the read. Nicely done and please keep writing! :D PM me if you have any questions or need anything
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Thanks for your comments. This was a very quickly written story (I think for English class) so I didn't edit it very well. I'll try to improve in my next stories (I tend to add background info. at the worst ans randomest points, so I'll especially try to work on that :P). Thanks!



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly