Photons to Freedom

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1050
Reviews 182
Regardless of the feather-like masses, the weight seemed consistently heavy
They were once told a conspiracy, one which would fail our once known
gravity.


while my belief, rows and downs every source known to man
till the sole of the ground makes the pure living

none of which was proven, endurance against one belief
was merely an option. -an option merely chosen with common
intelligence-


I hope my God has a belief of its own. one of which, raises arms automatically.
Cures every single heart, consisting the light that was once comprehended as Life

they never heard of that particular God, yet its promises were
highly valuable. His God's belief soon created; a flawless army
striving towards that light, containing life.

having a run of fluent air caressing the label of binds behind
catches my arm, and elevates the chin with kind.
starting my war, sitting on my pillow
having my jar of thoughts grasping my breath throughout my journey in space

Gravity soon became a definition beyond, and weightlessness experienced an evolution. Feather-like masses created inaudible weapons, fairly concluding his victory -not one life taken, a mere trick of mind-


having a lamb invading my condoes, has me on the line for my straight hand.
swarming herds of people, having a fist in their pocket
is what gripping the heads of the long-down kings, for the fame and fortune by crippling themselves

Surely he was against the monarchy, bowing to a higher being stood separated from his belief. Fame and fortune wasn't needed for his pleasure. Trials convicted to those whom wished to overthrow his force. A descent farewell to "All the King's Men"

my only weapon, the pencil hands the view of all freedom.
drawing my way to victory, killing every shadow of fear and pain

explaining gravity's change of pace, he visualized a paranormal vision, through his art and unique way of thinking. He achieved his God's belief and spread it across the universes mass. Thus it was concluded a new transcript was born.

By Chandni and Mau-Able
Last edited by Chandni on Sun May 13, 2007 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I should not keep on, I'll just creep on creepin'on.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 1
I like the structure of this, it's new and unique...
By the way, i think you meant "through his art" instead of "trough his art"
Loved it though!!!

Bedhead




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 316
It was a fresh form-- I'll give you that.

However, is it just me or are there grammar issues in this? Maybe I should ask Meldi...

At parts [specifically the second stanza] you didn't seem to finish your train of thought. It bugged me. :)


Overall, interesting. The almost narrative feel to the italicized segments was a neat idea... but perhaps not implemented as well as it could've been. Give it a once-over, try and improve the flow (both of the words and the ideas themselves).
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 316
AHHH!! I remebered the poem that this one made me think of. Better yet, I found it!

Here yeah go -- http://www.teenagewriters.com/forum/sho ... hp?t=10077

Same sort of format, but better flowyness. If yah get m'meanin'...

[weord mood]
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1050
Reviews 182
Thanks :) And the poem you linked to is indeed highly entertaining. I'll contact Mau-able about your critiques, and we'll eventually try to work on it ;)

Cheerios, Chandni
I should not keep on, I'll just creep on creepin'on.



I, for one, welcome my new tomato overlords...
— Snoink