The Dragon's Park

They glide through the eternity
Dancing clouds, the sky their playground
No limit stirs their journey, no binds bound;
Enjoying life and flying free.

We upon earth gaze in wonder
Unknowingly terrified, ignorantly scared
Unbeknowest to how our fellows faired
Among their playground of sky and thunder.

Their frolicking spirals we misunderstood
We armed for battles, firing arrows
Striking down their happiness, handing them sorrows
Our joy, their melancholy, it was and is understood.
________________________________

Um. Yeah. ^^U rather cut short, isn't it?
My poetry teacher gave us an assignment - five poems, two of them must rhyme and one must be an entire metaphor.

Oy.

So here's the metaphor, I'm not exactly how much that applies, but it's the best I've got. (Due tomorrow- ye gods!)

Sometime later I'll put up my first attempts at free-verse.

And yeah, this one sucks.



~Sumi

Hey girl- geez, you're hard on your poetry. I like this; of course, that may be my personal bias speaking, because I love dragons with a passion (we once tried to count how many dragons were in my room, and lost count around 40).
But I have a suggestion or two. The first is this:

"No limit stirs their journey, no binds bound;"
How about 'no fetters bound'?
'Binds' jolts the rhythm a bit.

Um. Let's see.... anything else... ah!
How about the fourth line?
"Enjoying life and flying free."
A suggestion: "they savored life and flew so free."
Better rhythm? Maybe not. I'm no expert. But the past tense adds foreshadowing, in any case.

Oh shiz, dinner. Be back to add to this in a sec!

...fifteen minutes later....

Anyway. I could get rid of the dinner comment, but I choose not to. Why?
Because I'm like that.

Moving on.

There were only two other parts. One was:

"Unbeknowest to how our fellows faired"
It isn't a word, for one thing... though of course, in poetry, that doesn't matter! Shakespeare ftw! And besides, I shouldn't talk. "Voked" isn't a word, either.... *see sig.
But anyhoo, that line is kinda confusing. My suggestion would be to tweak it; drop the long word, take something similar. The way I'd do it, for example, is this:

"We upon earth gaze in wonder
Unknowingly terrified, ignorantly scared
-unknown is how our fellows fared-"
Among their playground of sky and thunder."

In any case, "faired" should be "fared."

The last thing- the very last line was a bit shaky. Play with it a bit?

Eh, I'm not an expert on poetry, but ye gods I love dragons!
So of course this poem caught my eye.
And I like it.
It's good.
There shall be no arguing allowed.
>.<
fear me.

~sworddance

I liked it...

It didn't seem to have a fixed structure, but perhaps that doesn't matter. I like the way you put the dragons in a contrast to the humans on the ground...sworddance has done most of the critiquing, so you're not wanting for advice, and any advice I could give you wouldn't be worth the air it's breathed upon. So...

I liked it.

-Twit

It was a nice read indeed, Sworddance did most of the critiquing so I'm only going to say this lol

I liked your rhyme scene and you managed to keep it, up until the last stanza where the rhyme scene dimmed a bit. The flow flew out a bit as well in the last stanza, because of the rhyme scene but also your sentence structure, as you may notice there are some sentences that stick out a bit.

I'd suggest this, but of course you might it cuts out your poem's whole meaning off. It's just a suggestion

Their frolicking spirals we misunderstood
We armed for battles, firing arrows
Striking down happiness, handing sorrows
Our joy, their melancholy, was and is understood.

As you can see the bold words show what I meant with a dimmed rhyme scene, as these to words so much resemblance.

Well it was a nice read overall, with some nice descriptions

Cheerios, Chandni

In the first line, I wasn't expecting it to say "the eternity"; it's usually assumed that there's only one eternity, but if you meant a certain eternity, just disregard the above. In the third line of this same stanza, it seemed awkward because bound sounds like it is in the past tense while the lines above and below it is all in present progressive.

In the last line of the second stanza, I'd suggest you change "their" to "the" to pare down sounds [not necessarily syllabals, but how much sound is used to say each line] to keep it more concise and in pattern with the stanza above.

The rhyme in the second and third lines of the last stanza might be stretching it a little, but it still works, more or less. The same goes for the first and last lines in this stanza since they rhyme the same word.

Umm, I didn't entirely get the metaphor. But I usually have to be hit over the head with these things [really hard], so it's entirely possible that that one's just me. It doesn't seem that short to me; to me, this poem is as long as it needs to be [really sorry, didn't mean for that to rhyme, too tired to rephrase it].

-Amelia

hey, this war really good and very different. i like the theme and when it's dragons it's always grand.

Um, thanks, everybody!
This is the most posts I've gotten on a single poem in a row... :wonders if it has to do with dragons:
Thanks for the comments, I should definitely change a lot....

BTW, the poetry teacher didn't say anything when she read it. ending Doom:



Thanks, all!
~Sumi

Wow! I really liked it. I suck at poetry, and as a writer I wish I could do it better. Anyway, I loved the wording, it was painting a vivid picture in my mind.

TG

P.S. I have a videogame were humans and dragons live together, but the humans end up fighting the dragons. Its called Fire Emblem, I just wanted to see if you have played it or if it inspired your poem?