Loyalty chapter #2

Hey all! Thanks for your responses to chapter #1. I hope you enjoy chapter #2 !

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It was spring time and the owner of the "Daley Dues Inn" was proud of himself because he had the best and biggest inn the town had. He had more then fifty rooms and most of them were occupied. As he stood behind his desk day dreaming the ringing of the gold bell on his desk sounded loudly. The noise snapped him out of his trance. There before him stood a girl with rusty hair and a leather bag on one shoulder.

"And what can I do for you little lady?", he asked mockingly.

"A room", she whispered harshly.

"Right, a room for the madam", murmured to himself, while he searched his desk drawers. "Aha! Here is one", he said triumphantly. "And there you go!", as he held up a silver key.

Snatching it out of his hand she walked to the door and then turned around and said, "I don't like to be mocked".

"What a card", the inn keeper said to himself when she left.

With her key, she looked at the number branded on the front. "47" it read. Smiling, she started up the stairs. Reaching the 4th level, she found her self in a dark hallway, only two lamps on either side shined dimly in the blackness. There were nine heavy doors in the corridor, each had a brass number on the top. She walked down the hall quietly, counting the doors till she reached 47. Facing the door she shoved the key into the keyhole and turned it, making the door swing open. As she peered inside she grabbed a match from her pocket and struck it on the door. Scrambling for a candle she used the flame to light it. With some light, she looked around the room. She stepped back to see the entire thing. In one corner stood a bed with dirty tan sheets and a red pillow case stuffed with feathers. Beside it laid a carpet with a floral design of green leaves and pink flowers. The windows were enrobed in green curtains and the walls were the same green. In the center of the room sat a huge square table. On the opposite wall stood two bookcases with empty shelves. The room was disgusting.

With a heavy sigh she walked to the center of the room and placed her small leather bag on the table. She slowly opened it and gingerly lifted her belongings out of the bag. There were two scrolls sealed with red wax, an outfit, a small purse that carried her money {which was not much}, and a small bottle of holy water. Carefully, she picked up her possessions and put them on different shelves on the bookcases. Wearily she staggered to the bed,laid down and stared at the ceiling, all night long.

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With yet another sleepless night, she sat up and strode to the window grasping the curtains and flinging them open. The sun was just pulling its self up over the hills. Standing there she cracked her neck and estimated the time. 6:00, probably she thought to herself. She grimaced. Walking to the shelves, she undressed and put on a black tank-top then a fish-net shoulder length sweater. Next she pulled on a pair of long maroon shorts layering them with a black skirt that reached to her knees, but was cut on the sides into a point. Lastly, she slipped on her pink laced finger gloves. With all these things done she walked over to the table where her bag was. Reaching into it, she grabbed a small mirror from the bottom. She raised it so she could see herself. Her face was pale even though she spent most her life outside. She had red/black jagged shoulder length hair, she also had no freckles or any blemishes at all on her face. Except for her eyes, which from sleepless nights, had black circles under her them, making her look like she had heavy eye-liner on. Her lips were light pink and petite. With another sigh she placed the mirror back into the bag.

She silently ran down the stairs and skidded to a halt at the foyer. Looking to see if anyone was around she looked out for a place she could eat in the inn.

"Um..... Breakfast isn't till 7:00.", said a yawning inn keeper.

"Open earlier", she demanding.

"Well you gotta pay extra, mystery girl!", he said heading toward the kitchen, chuckling. "Take a seat!", he yelled over his shoulder.

She did. She picked a clean table and started to read the menu.

"Yuck, yuck, yuck.", she murmured.

Soon Mr. inn keeper came out of the kitchen whistling, with a goofy smile spread across his face.

"What can I get you?", He said beaming.

She pointed to #9, eggs and bacon. He scribbled down her order and then walked back into the kitchen. Later, he came back with a small plate rested on his arms.

"And there you go!", he said placing the plate on the table. "So what is your past?"

As he stood behind his desk day dreaming the ringing of the gold bell on his desk sounded loudly. The noise snapped him out of his trance. There before him stood a girl with rusty hair and a leather bag on one shoulder.

It's awkward, the wording I mean. Try mixing up some of the words or something like that, if you need further help with it, PM me and I'll send you some suggestions.
Back to short sentences!!! Try combining the first sentence in italics with the sentence I put in bold.

"And what can I do for you little lady?",

"A room",

"Right, a room for the madam",

These all have the same problem, lets see if you can figure this out, here's a quote from a book I'm reading right now...

"Who are they?" I gasped.
"Do you recognize the song?" she said.
[Paragraph of description not pertaining to my point]
"The Ballad of Yolande." At last I was hearing the tune! I wanted it to go on and on. But it stopped, all too soon.
"Where's my mother?"
"She lies buried."
"BURIED," I exclaimed, "where?"

Okay, here's a hint, look at the punctuation of the dialog, compare it to yours, if you still don't get it, PM me and I'll tell you. (I'm only doing it this way so you figure it out for yourself, things stick better that way)

In one corner stood a bed with dirty tan sheets and a red pillow case stuffed with feathers. Beside it laid a carpet with a floral design of green leaves and pink flowers. The windows were enrobed in green curtains and the walls were the same green. In the center of the room sat a huge square table. On the opposite wall stood two bookcases with empty shelves.

Surprisingly enough, this is one sentence....

{which was not much},

Use regular () instead of { }. even if they look cooler, they're not parenthesis.

Wearily she staggered to the bed,[space]laid down and stared at the ceiling, all night long.

Standing there she cracked her neck and estimated the time. 6:00, probably she thought to herself. She grimaced.

Try to make this all one sentence.

"Um..... Breakfast isn't till 7:00.",

Take out either the period or the comma, and if you take out the period, put the comma before the last quotation mark.

Mr. inn keeper

Please give him a name earlier.

You repeat a lot of the same mistakes, look for them throughout your writing, and fix it. At a certain point it gets distracting.

Storyline comments:
I like the story, after reading the first chapter I didn't have much of an idea as to what it was about, so now that I have a better idea...or at least grasp, it's drawing my attention in. =D

Suggestions:
Spell out the number 47, as opposed to typing numbers.
You still have some short sentences, and punctuation problems. Other than that there isn't much I can think of.
In order to fix some of the punctuation things, I suggest reading, and paying attention to what the author does, where they put the periods, commas, quotation Marks and what-not. That's the best way I can think to learn, seeing as English teachers aren't always clear. hehe =D

Good work! I look forward to seeing where you take this story. Good luck!

-JC

I didn't get past the first couple paragraphs. I'm assuming you meant 'Daily Dues Inn'. Not proofreading your work shows unprofessionalism-- which in turn scares away potential readers.

Also, fix your quote format.
"This is proper format," said Ed.

It might seem minor, but these little mistakes reflect poorly upon the writer.

Hm...I see what you guys are saying. Thanks, I hope you guys enjoy #3. Thanks again.

-- M.B.Author

What JC said =P
I'm also noticing some inconsistencies-
Firstly: You say that Jane -haha, remember the review on chappie 1?- lights a candle. So the reader things, "OK, middle ages or somethin'." And then you say she puts on fishnet, tanktops, etc., and the reader (now named Nick) is all, "what the heck?" because of the clashing time period-stuff.

You're also giving one character different names (in this case, the innkeeper), which confuses *everyone* reading.

"She pointed to #9, eggs and bacon. He scribbled down her order and then walked back into the kitchen. Later, he came back with a small plate rested on his arms.

"And there you go!", he said placing the plate on the table. "So what is your past?""

Nick is most heartily confuzzled at this point.
Major problems with one of the last sentences- "a few minutes later, he returned with a plate of the number-nine." versus "Later, he came back with a small plate rested on his arms."

Excuse me here. I have to giggle.

:does so:

It gives me such a funny mental picture- this big hairy guy with a platter of bacon and eggs resting on one muscley arm!

And on a detail-nazi note, does this guy really need to write down her order? She's the only one up and I don't think it takes a reminder to make eggs and bacy

The last words the innkeeper says are just....impossible.

Rude as a man might be, he won't just say, "What horrors have befallen you in the past?"

Nope.

Because rude people also tend to have tac, they'll use a little foreplay to make their victim (LOL) trust them, and then, right when they flash their shoulderblades- BAM! Sore-spot as ever to land a kunai.

Note that rudeness does not always go hand-in-hand with bluntness, though they are often mistaken for each other.

That's all I can spot now. Gambatte! =D

~Sumi

P.S.
This is about vampires, isn't it. =P

The following is a reiteration of what everyone else has already said.

I never get here fast enough to have first say.

Anyway... Your dialog punctuation is way off. *not meaning to sound harsh*

For example:

"What a card", the inn keeper said to himself when she left.

Here, just move the comma inside the quotation marks. In contrast, here:

"And there you go!", as he held up a silver key.

You don't need a comma at all. Omit it. The same rule applies when you're using question marks.

As for the time period confusion... Baroness Ink said it bettr than I did. Our readers are going to need an explanation, fast, or else you're going to have to go with one time period or the other.

Now for the final line... That was... awakward. That's like some random guy sitting next to me at lunch and going, "Tell me your entire life's history."

Okay, bad example, but you get the point, right? It's a little bizarre for a total stranger to ask a question like that. And, even if he is going to ask that kind of question, it confuses the reader for it to happen ubruptly. There should be some kind of lead-in to it.

Overall however, I did like it and my curiousity is still peaked. I want to find out more about this character, and his past, even if it's the random bartender asking about it.