dance beats and dark streets

your barely audible whispers
amongst the constant echoes
the fading, constant echoes
of repetitive dance beats
and background dance beats
and the nonsensical chatter
of digitally edited females
near sparkling glasses
with tomato sauce splatters
and wannabe tropical plants
reaching to the sticky ceiling
of nauseous, sweeping fans
and blue neon lights creating
mysterious illuminations
are lost.

i wish
that behind your spinning
gleaming dark locks
and the scintillating look
that melts my shrivelled heart
from those deep eyes
and moisturised complexion
of perfectly toned skin
there was some fondness
rather than fake touches
and long awkward silences
filled only by a bad joke
which you laugh too hard at
and subsequently dribble wine
onto your bleached white top
and you loath my presence.

if i was in your high-heeled shoes,
i'd hate me too.

This seemed like babbling to me, but in a good way, some how you got this to flow and make sense. But the overall, I guess, 'plot' of the poem was nice. But their was some errors that I noticed:

"i wish<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<this should be 'I' not 'i'
that behind your spinning
gleaming dark locks"

"if i was in your high-heeled shoes,<<<<<<<<<<again 'I' not 'i'
i'd hate me too."

And I also think this would look better with capitols at the beginning and at places like that.
And the title would look better if the 'd' in 'dance' was capitilized.

Err...no.

I don't capitalise things, it's personal preference. That really wasn't a critique at all; please remember poets are allowed to write things and cpitalise things when they want. It doesn't affect the actual writing. But...thanks.

Generally the babbling was for several reasons...in the first stanza it was supposed to represent the things distracting the character from hearing the whispers, and in the second it was for representing confusion, and generall the pace and mistakes made in a first date.

The only things I would suggest captalizing are the "I's". Other then that, leave it as is.

your barely audible whispers
amongst the constant echoes
the fading, constant echoes
of repetitive dance beats
and background dance beats
and the nonsensical chatter
of digitally edited females
near sparkling glasses
with tomato sauce splatters
and wannabe tropical plants
reaching to the sticky ceiling
of nauseous, sweeping fans
and blue neon lights creating
mysterious illuminations
are lost.

This feels breathless, almost random, like thoughts running though someone's head. I like it.

i wish
that behind your spinning
gleaming dark locks
and the scintillating look
that melts my shrivelled heart
from those deep eyes
and moisturised complexion
of perfectly toned skin
there was some fondness
rather than fake touches
and long awkward silences
filled only by a bad joke
which you laugh too hard at
and subsequently dribble wine
onto your bleached white top
and you loath my presence.

omg I love this. fondness, not fake touhces.. akward silences. What I noticed the most was how the poem itself had the feel of the words (ok, that almost makes sense..).

if i was in your high-heeled shoes,
i'd hate me too.

wow. honestly, I could ramble about how I like this, but I won't.

I wasn't saying you HAD to capiltize anything, I was just saying that would look better to ME. But for some reason when people don't capitilize things it takes soemthing away from the poem, but again thats just ME. Sorry.

Thanks Mesh.

hekategirl, no problem. The thing that irritated me was that you said 'errors' which implied something grammatical or something, rather than an opinion.

O.K next time if I say something like that i'll say something like 'this is my ohpinion' or something like that, but I like the poem anyway!

To me the first stanza seemed disconected from the second stanza. I don't know, they just feel weird together. But the second stanza....wow. That's all I can say. It is just so...wow. And the last two lines? Brilliant. I honestly don't have any real critique, except to say that it seems disconected. Besides that, both stanzas are fabulously written.

Oh, Jack, this was great!!!

You had an OK beginnning...but I loved the last two lines. I don't know, there's just something about it that's part funny, part serious. How do you do that?!

I just really, really liked this poem. I think it's probably one of the best ones you've ever written.

'Of repetitive dance beats/and background dance beats'- Just try not to use the phrase 'dance beats' twice in a row...just kinda wierd, clunky, even.

heh...its like one big happy acid trip. actually I like its..its like free association, and its pretty.

Rightio I liked it firstly however I did have to read it a few times because of the first stanza it just seemed disjointed from the poem like it has no meaning to it but the second stanza really set the poem off some lovely words in there.

your barely audible whispers
amongst the constant echoes
the fading, constant echoes
of repetitive dance beats

constant is written twice and it just doesn't sound right to me it threw me.
However the first stanza was very good and had some lovely imagrey etc but
it really doesn't seem to fit in with the second its as if they're from two different peoms.

if i was in your high-heeled shoes,
i'd hate me too.

Nice short sweet ending I liked it muchly!

however I do agree with the others capatlizing the 'i's' would look better I don't know it almost throws me when they're not capatals lol sad huh? However the rest of the poem doesn't need capatals I agree with you!!

You are a great writer and have a wonderful talent of making your poems flow so easily!

Thanks everyone. Someone once told me not to answer critiques, but...

Generally, the repetition of 'consant echoes' was well...to represent an echo. The repetition of 'dance beats' was to show they were repetitive.

The disconnection of the two stanzas was supposed to represent a change of the character - in the first he is distracted, not attending to his 'date', in the second he is trying almost too hard (and failing) to talk to her etc....I guess that may not have been obvious.

I see it kind of now, but no it wasn't very obvious but thats good in some respect it gets you thinking about the poem.
wu

It was sad. I dunno I liked it and the imagery and the situation and 'sigh' yes I liked this one.

I liked it, however I still think the repetition of echoes and dance beats didn't sound that great.

For some reason, the whole no-caps things didn't bother me, except you probably should capitalize the i's. Otherwise, great poem.