Stars

Um, yes a new story? Bit of a bland beginning, I'm not happy with it, but I just don't know :S i need suggestions, help?

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Stars




I wish that you didn’t smell and taste of salt, it is highly unnerving.



“Do you think that if I go onto the trampoline I will fall off and snap my neck?” She slurred into his ear. Her breath tinged across his neck, the smell of alcohol sweeping up his nose.

“I will catch you if you fall.” He was unsure of his words, of his strength. He didn’t know if she could trust him, or would trust him for that matter. He watched as she hoisted herself onto the trampoline messily, her skirt riding up over her thighs, revealing her underwear to him with a giggle.

“I can do summersaults and everything, wanna see?” She started bouncing lightly at first, sending her hair floating gently above her shoulders, only to fall clumsily back down across her back

“No, your ok, just jump.” In his head, she was not a child; if she somersaulted she would look so unrealistic it would make him sick. He crawled himself onto the trampoline as well, scared that she had too much room to jump. If he was on there too then her jumping would be kept o a minimum. They were both intoxicated with alcohol, yet he was still in control, he was still the one who had to look out for her.

“Do you want to have sex with me Scott?” She stood, looking down at him as he still sat looking back up at her. She placed her hands on her hips, fully aware that this made her sway slightly from side to side.

“No.” He managed to stand up next to her. The sensation was strange, almost as if they were dangling in mid air, trying to regain their balance.

“Why not?” She fell forward, resting her head on his shoulder. This added weight made him feel uneasy, not sure if he could hold them both as they both rocked from side to side.

“Let’s go indoors.” He took her hand, carefully making sure she didn’t stumble and lifted her off of the trampoline. It was only eleven o’clock yet there could have easily of been eighty people running around the large house. Scott didn’t know half of them, he didn’t want to either, not with the way they were racing around, trashing things that didn’t belong to him. Not that it was his house either, he felt protective over other people’s things, just like he felt protective over this girl, who he didn’t even know half an hour ago. He didn’t even remember her name, but he felt protective over her all the same.

“Hey…come on, we could go and have some fun in the garden round the back? Come on?” She was begging, not realising it she was digging her long nails into his palms.

The characters are described well, and the scene is easy to visualize. You have all of the imagery stuff down, but what strikes me as slight problem is the plot. Okay, so this drunk girl meets this guy on the trampoline, and she asks him to have sex with her. Now, what is the message you are trying to get across here? What is the goal of your story? Is it to show how vulnerable someone is when they are drunk, or is it more than that? Is it about a girl whose been destroyed from past relationships, and the most love she can find is when she's totally intoxicated? I think what your story is missing is a little extra depth. A little direction. You have really good characters that have a lot of potential. If you already have a core idea that you're trying to get across, just make it a little clearer.

Hey Meeves, a new story.......

As always you easily hook the reader, which is fantastic. I definitely want to know more about these characters, where they are, who they are.

In his head, she was not a child;

I don't know why but this kinda made me think that he was a lot older than her, perhaps an older sibling or her father even....

Do you want to have sex with me Scott?

That got rid of my earlier thoughts! I liked this line, very to the point.

She was begging, not realizing it she was digging her long nails into his palms.

This sentence didn't make a lot of sense at first. I now get it but I think you could maybe restructure it.

Great work,
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxxx

Hey Thank you both for the replies, it is very much appreciated!

Cheri- Thanks, I am going to add more to this, elaborate the characters more, i feel it is very dry at the moment. I wrote this in about ten minutes when i had some spare time at college. You know when you just write something, your not really sure what's going on with it or anything? well, that was what this was. But i liked it, so thanks, i will take what you said and will help make it all more clearer to the reader.

Alainna- Thanks again! Will sort out that sentence!

Anyway, this is just the first part, hgope you both read more!

Meevs
x

Hey Miya. I quite liked this. It seems like something that would actually happen (not trying to seem sexist, could happen either way around lol).

“No, your ok, just jump.”

*you're

If he was on there too then her jumping would be kept o a minimum

*to

It was only eleven o’clock yet there could have easily of been eighty people running around the large house.

I've probably missed the point of this sentance, but it seems to contradict itself. Maybe put almost, instead of only?

Anyway, I'll look forward to some more of this.

-Mat

Thanks! I am currently working on this, Ice Cubes is my first priority though. But sometimes it's nice to just take a break and write something completly different.

I will edit this soon and maybe post some more I'm just still not sure about it :\

Meevs
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There is not enough here for it to be considered a "story." Don't get me wrong, what you have is fantastic but more needs to be given to the reader so they know whats going on. A few things you should add are why he feels so protective over things? Also, the background of the party he is at, like who invited him, does he know anyone, etc. Details are key. I am looking forward to see your additions to the story.

The typos were already mentioned so I won't point them out again. I liked the story but it feels like it just sort of dropped at the end, the ending felt more like the middle of a story. I do wonder if there is any significance to her digging her nails into his palms, so I anxiously wait to see if more is added.

Thought it was great, can't wait to see more. keep it up!

I didn't mean that this was a whole story, just like the rist chapter, just to clear that one up

Thank you all for the crits and stuff, It is greatly appreciated. I am now working on this again, finished revising for my exams now so I can get back to writing full time again

I still need to sort this chapter out, I will post an edit when it's all done

Thanks again!

Meevs
x

Cool! I'll look forward to reading the next bit then. I seen it on the recent posts bit and remembered it. That must mean it was pretty good. I hardly remember anything lol!

And I really should get onto Ice Cubes. I'm a bit intimidated by the ammount of it there'd be to get through lol! I've heard people say it's good though, so I should start soon.

-Mat