Loyalty chapter #1

Tears in her eyes, she walked down the bustling city street. It was an inky black night. Rain clouds hovered around the crescent moon. They promised rain, but not a single drop descended to the earth. It wasn't cold, but humidity hung everywhere. Gnats and other pesky bugs were thriving. But, once in a blue moon a cool breeze blew from the east. It caused a chill down everyone's spine. Though in the center of Market Square, it was unusually quiet. Only low hums of voices and shuffling feet on dirt roads were heard.

But she didn't notice these things. Her eyes, full of tears, were blindly looking ahead of her. Her feet didn't stumble along the rocky,dirty, hard road. She kept the same steady pace the whole walk. Her arms rested on her sides, unmoving. Her hands were in tight fists. In an unemotional line, her mouth showed no sign of happiness, anger, sadness, or any thing else. Just blank.

She did not cause one bit of attention. As people walked by, they would purposely bump into her. But this did not affect her. She hardly even noticed the tons of people walking from every direction. Instead, she stared at the ground. People glanced at her. As they walked by they thought that she was just an other orphan. Only her rusty red hair, mixed with black, caught some, yet little attention. In this town, no one knew this strange girl. No one knew where she came from or why she was here. What would they care? She was just a stranger. A small strange girl. No one did care though. Who would?

Gnats and other pesky bugs were thriving. But, once in a blue moon a cool breeze blew from the east.

This should probably be one sentence. Either that or take out the but.

Her eyes, full of tears, were blindly looking ahead of her.

Look at the first line of your post and try to change the description so that you're telling me something new about her appearance. I already know she's crying.

What would they care? She was just a stranger. A small strange girl. No one did care though. Who would?

That last part is just a tad bit repetative. I suggest chopping off some of it and making it two sentences instead.

Interesting. The description was written well, and I'd want to read more. Kinda short for a first chapter, though. Do you plan on adding on? PM for anything you need =]

Very interresting, though I agree that it is a little short to be an entire chapter. You introduced the setting and some aspects of the protagonist but there really isn't any plot as of yet. I am definitly intrigued though, in three paragraphs you managed to capture my attention and give me an idea of the situation to the extent that I can picture it in my head without having all of the details thrust at me... that's really great!

Please post more, the begining shows promise of a good story to come

I did notice a few minor things that I would change:

1)You mentioned that she had tears in her eyes twice. This isn't really a problem but since they are so close together you could change the wording of one instance, or you could even let one drop.

2)"But she didn't notice these things." usually you should never start a sentence with the word "but". In this case it really stands out because it is also the begining of a paragraph. She didn't notice these things works just as well, I would sugest that maybe you just leave "but" out.

3)"rocky,dirty, hard road." one adjective, as opposed to three would really help you to tighten this sentence. I would sugest the use of a thesaurus (you may find that there is one word that gets what you want to say across more efficiently) or you could just bite your tongue and choose one...

4)"She did not cause one bit of attention." can you cause attention? I think the word draw would fit into this sentence more nicely.


Again, I enjoyed this and will look to see if you post more

-Gen

No one did care though

Either this sentence didn't make sense to me, or it just didn't fit in. Either way I think you should do something about it.

Short sentences:
There were a lot of these throughout the chapter (or was it just a section of a chapter?). Anyways, the plethora of periods caused a lot of stops in your story which at a certain point becomes distracting.

Punctuation should make the writing smoother, as opposed to jagged. Really good punctuation shouldn't even be noticed by the reader, it should fit in, like spelling, you only notice it when it's wrong. =D

Apart from that I couldn't find anything wrong, your spelling was good, and even though it was too short a section to know much about the story itself, I was still pulled into it. Good job.

Keep it up, I really enjoyed it and look forward to seeing what becomes of this story!

Happy writings!!!!

-JC

First off, thanks for signing my guestbook!

Okay... Everyone above me has already said that it's too short, so I won't repeat that...

I agree with JCobsessed, your sentences are way too short. Instead of providing a visual image, the reader is tripping on your periods. For example:

But, once in a blue moon a cool breeze blew from the east. It caused a chill down everyone's spine.

You could change it to this:

But, once in a blue moon, a cool breeze blew in from the east, causing a chill to run down everyone's spine.

Overall however, it's a good starting piece of work. Just touch up your punctuation a little and make it longer, and you're as good as gold!

I would like to second what was said about short, uniform sentences. They make your flow choppy and your writing less interesting. My suggestion is that you get out a piece of paper and write the first few words of each sentence, identifying is your start with a subject or some sort of phrase. Look at any patterns. Then, go back and look at what sentences you can combine. Clauses are great with this.

She kept the same steady pace the whole walk. Her arms rested on her sides, unmoving.

With a simple clause, you can make this: "Her arms resting at her side, unmoving, she kept the same steady pace hte whole walk." The 'unmoving' part sounds a bit forced, but if you play with this idea, it will benefit your writing a lot.

Now, don't go and make every sentence long and blocky. You need a variety of sentences and often scattered short sentences can be extremely powerful.

Good luck with this. It is quite good so far!

Okay. Echoing what everybody said about jagged sentences, shortness of chapter and what pages said about sentence construction.

The one thing I haven't seen people remark about was her lack of emotion.

In this chapter, with the character's woe-is-me appearance, you want the reader to feel pity towards "her". (I'll call her Jane now because I hate using just "her" and "she")
But when all you give heed to is her appearance and the place around, we're judging by covers here. And while that does leave the reader curios, judging a book by it's cover is never a good thing, aye?
Have her say or think something, even a flashback.

So yeah. Echoing everyone before me. >_>

Gambatte with this!

Thanks everyone
In my next chapters I will add your instructions and make it better.

Thanks again,

-- M.B.Author

Prepare yourself-- this is a rather harsh critique
Tears in her eyes, she walked down the bustling city street.
I could find this opening line in a thousand other generic stories. Have a more original opening.
It was an inky black night. Rain clouds hovered around the crescent moon. They promised rain, but not a single drop descended to the earth.
rainclouds that promise rain? Redundant if you ask me

It wasn't cold, but humidity hung everywhere. Gnats and other pesky bugs were thriving. But, once in a blue moon a cool breeze blew from the east.
the 'buts' here seem at random and make no sense with their placement. Also, avoid cliches... but that's personal taste I suppose

It caused a chill down everyone's spine. Though in the center of Market Square, it was unusually quiet. Only low hums of voices and shuffling feet on dirt roads were heard.
earlier you said this was a 'bustling city street'.
Contradicting yourself in your own story is not a good quality


But she didn't notice these things. Her eyes, full of tears, were blindly looking ahead of her. Her feet didn't stumble along the rocky,dirty, hard road. She kept the same steady pace the whole walk. Her arms rested on her sides, unmoving. Her hands were in tight fists. In an unemotional line, her mouth showed no sign of happiness, anger, sadness, or any thing else. Just blank.
Tear-filled eyes hardly represent lack of emotion. Like your setting, you need to get your character straight.

She did not cause one bit of attention. As people walked by, they would purposely bump into her. But this did not affect her.
This is such a contradiction it makes me upset.
-lingers in an upset manner for a moment before continuing-

She hardly even noticed the tons of people walking from every direction. Instead, she stared at the ground. People glanced at her. As they walked by they thought that she was just an other orphan.
ok, people are clearly noticing her, despite yuor best imagery-efforts.

GET YOUR STORY STRAIGHT


Only her rusty red hair, mixed with black, caught some, yet little attention. In this town, no one knew this strange girl. No one knew where she came from or why she was here. What would they care? She was just a stranger. A small strange girl. No one did care though. Who would?

^^ annoying repetition

i like your detai. intriguing beginning!
corrections:
-you have a sentence describing rain clouds, and then you say that the clouds promise rain. don't say rain the first time you mention the clouds. =]
-purposely=purposefully

Disclaimer: this is only a critique--you take from it what is useful and ignore what is not. It's my opinion, and while I'm an experienced critiquer, reader, and writer, I'm not a professional (yet *crosses fingers*) and I'm not God, so my opinion is not always right. I hope you find something useful in this critique!

M.B.Author wrote:Tears in her eyes, she walked down the bustling city street. It was an inky black night. Rain clouds hovered around the crescent moon. They promised rain, but not a single drop descended to the earth. Starting a story with a weather report is very cliche, I'm afraid. Try to focus on something more special than that at the beginning.It wasn't cold, but humidity hung everywhere Humidity, I think, is generally worse in warm weather ...[/b[. Gnats and other pesky bugs were thriving. But, once in a blue moon [b]Another cliche ... try to think of new ways to say things to spice up your writing a cool breeze blew from the east. It caused a chill down everyone's spine. Though 'Though' indicates that this sentence is relevant to the last, but it doesn't seem to be in the center of Market Square, it was unusually quiet.I'd use a comma here instead, as the abrupt changes don't suit the scene IMO Only low hums of voices and shuffling feet on dirt roads were heard.

But she didn't notice these things. Her eyes, full of tears, were blindly looking ahead of her. Her feet didn't stumble along the rocky,dirty, hard road. She kept the same steady pace the whole walk. Her arms rested on her sides, unmoving. Her hands were in tight fists. In an unemotional line, her mouth showed no sign of happiness, anger, sadness, or any thing else.If it's unemotional, of course it isn't those things! Try not to repeat things over and over, unless you're doing it for an effect, like shock Just blank.

She did not cause one bit of attention. This sounds really awkward to me. It's ok to use contractions in this day and age As people walked by, they would purposely bump into her. But this did not affect her. She hardly even noticed the tons of people 'Tons' is a little too informal walking from every direction. Instead, she stared at the ground. People glanced at her. You just said she got no attention As they walked by they thought that she was just an other orphan. Only her rusty red hair, mixed with black, caught some, yet little attention. In this town, no one knew this strange girl. No one knew where she came from or why she was here. What would they care? She was just a stranger. A small strange girl. No one did care though. Who would?Again, repeating a bunch of stuff ...

Well I'm afraid that this is really far too short to be a chapter, and it didn't hook me at all. I hate that I know practically zero about the presumed MC (apart from that she plows through crowds like a zombie). I like to know a name early on, so I can identify with the character sooner. I think you'd benefit from sitting down and really thinking about this person. She seems upset to me: would she really be undisturbed by peple walking into her? Wwouldn't it really get her down? Remember she's human (probably), she'll behave like other people. Try to get into her head, rather than just telling us she's walking and ignoring people. Read a lot of books and notice how they either plunge right into the action, or give us hints about mysteries ... this doesn't do this things, and it's SO important to hook your reader on chapter one. It's hard, but it's fun. Good luck.