everything is not ok

3 posts
User avatar
best-kept-secret
Gender
Points 0
Reviews 0
everything that existed.
everything that i loved.
everything that had meaning.
lost with just one mistake.

everything that was dead.
everything that you hated.
everything that you despised.
brutally brought alive.

everything that had no hope.
everything that made you cry.
every dark room you ever sat in.
now surrounding your life.

every time the sun sets.
every step that i take.
every word that i speak.
the more our hearts break.

everything that I'm sorry for.
everything that i did wrong.
everything that turned against you.
i wish i could have fixed.

everything that screwed up your lousy life.
I'M SORRY FOR THAT.

EVERY NIGHTMARE THAT YOU DREAM.
EVERY GHOSTS PRESENCE YOU FEEL.
EVERY WISH THAT NEVER CAME TRUE.
I'M SORRY FOR THAT TOO!

every 'sorry' that I've said.
every accusation i have taken.
every LIE that was told about me
FORGET IT!!!!

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE HURT THO RIGHT?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 915
best-kept-secret:


My opinion is that this ineffective prose would be best-kept if you kept it to yourself.

Toss this; lose the self-obsession.


Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 187
"My opinion is that this ineffective prose would be best-kept if you kept it to yourself" - although I agree it was not an amazing piece of work, this is overly harsh. It is poetry and the best advice I can give is that capital letters should not be used to emphasise words, you should pick different ones and consider the order.

Also, please do not use text-message slang/abbreviations and each sentence should start with a capital letter. You use too many periods, most of them should be commas and several serve no purpose.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna



Life is a banana peel and I am the fool who dared to tread on it.
— looseleaf