You're Not There

You're Not There

It's like looking for you
through our secret window,
But you're not there.

I put my hand on the pane,
my eyes strain for an impossible glimpse,
but my world is shattered
when I realize that you're not there.

A million brilliant sparkles glare red
as my hand oozes blood and registers pain.
I stare at it and remember when
I held your hand in mine
and I kissed it, trying to heal your past.
I remember looking up and seeing your eyes,
gazing at me, wondering, maybe knowing what I thought.

I only wish you knew what I'm thinking now,
my dry eyes still refuse to cry for you
saved only for death, dying, and reuniting.
Maybe I'll never cry again,
Because you're not here.


It has personal meaning. Critique welcomed though.
~Yoha

It's like looking for you
through our secret window,
But you're not there.

It's nice and abrupt but the lines don't run onto each other. The first two lines "it's like looking for you, through a secret window" sets up a description and then it sort of dies. It's good for abruptness, it gets across a message but doesn't really flow.

A million brilliant sparkles glare red
as my hand oozes blood and registers pain.
I stare at it and remember when
I held your hand in mine
and I kissed it, trying to heal your past.
I remember looking up and seeing your eyes,
gazing at me, wondering, maybe knowing what I thought.

Some of the lines are really long compared to others, and it creates a disjointed feeling to the poem. The descriptions are okay but none of it really stands out.

I only wish you knew what I'm thinking now,
my dry eyes still refuse to cry for you
saved only for death, dying, and reuniting.
Maybe I'll never cry again,
Because you're not here.

The ending is really good, it finishes really powerfully.

This was really good, obviously personal, but others can relate to it.

I loved this:

I stare at it and remember when
I held your hand in mine
and I kissed it, trying to heal your past.
I remember looking up and seeing your eyes,
gazing at me, wondering, maybe knowing what I thought.

To improve:
Try structuring it differently. The odd amount of lines and syllables didn't really allow it to flow as well as it possibly could.

Great work,
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxx

Sorry to drag this up, but I wanted to check out some of your other stuff.

The poem was good. There was feeling in there, and it was very real. To improve, maybe make it a little more visual. But overall I really liked it.

Nice.


The title made me think of Davy Jones and Tia Dalma, but I guess that's irrelevant.

My only quibble is this:

A million brilliant sparkles glare red
as my hand oozes blood and registers pain.

Why's the hand been hurt? Say why, it's confuzzling otherwise. That aside, it's nice.

I very much enjoyed your poem. The way that things were said made it seem that yourworld was that window. to improve some visual and descriptive parts can be incorporated into the second verse but do not over do it! The reason the hand is bleeding is 'my world is shattered
when I realize that you're not there' right? good luck!

Yes, you are correct pain. And thatks guys for the crits!